10（英）What to do when your child makes careless mistakes on their tests

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本课程是中英双语授课，您可以点击“专辑--节目”选择中文或英文课程进行收听，英文课程由玛丽·尼尔森本人讲述，对应中文内容是由中国的正面管教导师甄颖完成。谢谢您的订阅，希望您能有所收获。

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So again, we want to teach encouragement with our child. We want them to feel that encouragement. And we can do that through connection. And once we have that connection, we create the correction. It invites that correction. It then helps a way of learning and cooperation. So when your child makes mistake or has a bad test score, the first thing that you can do is just validate how that might feel for them. You could say you got a low score, that must feel really bad. Or you got to really low score and then ask the question, how does that make you feel? What do they say? Well, I don't care. You could make sure the message of love gets through when saying, I don't believe that. I believe that you do care. And I would like to know more about what are some of the different things that you could have done to have a different outcome. And as long as the child feels that you're on their side, that you're asking questions or validating their feelings, because you really want them to feel encouraged, not so that you can just practice a tool on them and have it work, but to have them really genuinely feel that connection. 

You might share a time when you got a low grade or made many mistakes on tests and how that felt for you. That also invites that connection. And when they feel like you can relate and you understand, then they're more likely to open up and share with you. It's also important to remember one of the most valuable tools of positive discipline. This is one that I was raised with and didn't appreciate until I was much, much older. And that is that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn. And it was something that was fluent in my language. It was fluent in my practice, because I knew when I made a mistake, what did I learn? That was the question I asked myself. I didn't focus on blame. I didn't focus on shame. I didn't come up with excuses. I didn't play the victim. I took about accountability and said, oh, I made the mistake of not studying hard enough. Or I made the mistake of taking too long, reading each question and not enough time to answer those questions. I made a mistake of not studying in a way that helped it stay in my long term memory, or at least long enough that I can remember it on the test. I have learned so many valuable mistakes when it comes to preparing for a test. And really kind of improving in on those mistakes that I made. And knowing that there are opportunities to learn.

So your children can learn this, lucky them at a young age, and you get to practice with them as parents and really model yourself and believe that mistakes are opportunities to learn. So validate their feelings or get into the world by acknowledging what it is they feel, and then to ask the questions of what they can do differently. And when they know that you're on their side, they are gonna come up with some really great solutions. 

And if they know that they're not gonna be punished or criticized or ashamed. Rather instead, they are going to feel encouraged and motivated and connected and respected. That's what you want your children to feel. And to know that there's no shame in making these mistakes that I heard once that once is a mistake, twice as a pattern. And if they create a pattern of continuously making mistakes on test, then you come up with new new habits, new patterns, but you brainstorm by asking more curiosity questions of what are the habits that they're creating to study? 

What are they doing to prepare  for these exams for these tests? And then to say, and how is that working for you? What could you do differently so that you have better outcomes, better results, and how do you think you'll feel once you've worked hard? Once you've studied harder, once you've really put in more time and effort, they're gonna say I'm probably gonna feel really good. And to use encouragement versus praise that once they start to get those better grades or there's better test results rather than saying I'm so proud of you, we both know that you are proud of them. 

But to say, wow, how does that feel? You worked really hard for that grade. And you're acknowledging and encouraging the deed. You're praising the deed, the effort versus the child, because we don't want them to think that they're a bad boy or girl when they make the mistakes. But to acknowledge the effort that they had in the learning and recovering from those mistakes. So I hope that you can use these opportunities not just in the classroom and with tests, but in your life and in the home. 

Because focusing on mistakes as wonderful opportunities to learn is a major principle of positive discipline and a very valuable tool for your children to learn. This is something that can be practiced inside the home as well as in school. So when your children make mistakes, you say, well, you made a mistake. What do we do to fix it? In our home, the F word is fault. So my children know not to say, oh, it was your fault or his fault or my fault. 

We don't want to know whose fault it was. We just want to know how you're going to fix it. So we focus on solutions. What can we do to make it better? And when your children learn this, they will be able to use as their entire lives. And I can't tell you enough what a valuable gift that is being raised with this principle and  this knowledge and this insight. And just a way of living has really helped me to not have any shame or low self esteem or  less confidence. Because I make mistakes. I only know that there are opportunities to learn. 

And when I speak with adults and children, the most common answer that I get when asked about their decisions or beliefs about mistakes, most people think they're bad. Most people are ashamed of the mistakes they make, or they think they need to avoid making mistakes. And so I love to be able to enthusiastically introduce them to this principle and say, no, this is actually opportunity. And that's part of being human. And that's part of growth. And stakes are painful. And sometimes those are the hardest ones to learn from, because we can't, you know, really find the gift of the value in that mistake. But what we know is  the older that we get, and the more we practice this tool, the more we can really look for the gift and the advantage of the mistake, because we know it's a lesson learned. 

I hope that you find these tools to be helpful in helping your child to be more focused and less careless in making mistakes. And then when they do, you just acknowledge it, you validate it, and you focus on solutions for how you can make it better. And remember that mistakes are opportunities to learn focusing on solutions versus blame. And I really look forward to the next lesson where we're going to talk about what to do when your child doesn't wanna continue taking extra curricular activities or the courses. And that will be in lesson 11. Until then, remember, there's no such thing as a perfect parent. 

You're learning a new language, be gentle with yourself, be gentle with your children, and know that it's about progress, not perfection.

Until next time. Thank you. Bye bye.