16（英）What to do when your child is timid

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Hello, Himalaya’s subscribers. My name is MaryNelson. And today we are going to be talking about what to do when your childis timid and is afraid or has fears and might avoid taking risks. As parents, weall want our children to be brave and have courage and to be strong and to trynew adventures and have new experiences. And we know that if a child isfearful, if they're afraid, then they're not gonna want to take those risks.And we know that that will limit them to having a lot of different and newexperiences within their life.

Sowhat do we do if our child is demonstrating some typical fears or some strangefears? And how do we help them overcome those fears? How do we help them facethose fears? Well, the first is to recognize that the fear that they are havingis an emotion or fear is from the emotions that they're feeling inside theirbody. And that's the rapid heart rate or their breathing might accelerate, theirmouth might get dry and they might even start shaking. Or it might be becausethey don't want to put themselves in a situation where they might beembarrassed or receive feedback or criticism. And we know that with thefeedback and criticism, it would in turn invite shame. And when children arefeeling ashamed, why would they put themselves in a situation that feels vulnerableto that shame.

So first, I think we needto recognize thedifferent examples of fears. Some of the fears that they might be experiencingcould be as common as darkness or monsters under the bed. That one's a verycommon one, or it could be something out of the ordinary, like a fear of antsor everyday sounds or something that they've imagined or created in theirminds, or it could be something as an example of flying, fear of flying or afear of being in front of people or a fear of dogs, whatever the fear is, it'simportant that your child is able to communicate that with you without feelingshamed and without being criticized or without feeling that you're gonna justdismiss what they say and not validate it. Oh, honey, you don't need to beafraid of the dark. There's nothing to be afraid of. Mom is right here. Mommyis right in the other room. Besides, when you close your eyes, it's going to bedark. That's not encouraging to a child when they hear their parents say that.And as parents, what we are really trying to do is help them not have the fear,but by dismissing it can sometimes discourage the child. And it definitelyisn't helpful to help it go away. An example of validating your child'sfeelings and their fear would be to simply say, you're really scared of thedark. I remember being scared of the dark when I was your age too. And one ofthe things that helped me was to have a night light or to sleep at the door open.Again, to focus on the solutions, but also to really validate them, that youwere there once that you were in their shoes, and that you're not trying tominimize it or talk them out of it.

Weoften talk about modeling and the importance of modeling. And this is where Iwould like to take the opportunity to discuss. What are you modeling for yourchild when it comes to fears? What are some of the scripts that you might besaying to them? And what are they seeing you do? Or how do you respond to newsituations or unfamiliar situations? I know that when we first had our son, myhusband was often saying careful, be careful. And I remember being at the parkone day with my mom and my son and my husband. And he says it. And my mom looksat me and says, well, what does that mean to a two year old? What does becareful mean? And I had to think about that. I said, I don't know. I know thathe hears it a lot. I hope he knows that. It's because we wanted to be careful.But do we have we ever explained what that means? And we have to know hisparents too, that our job is to protect our children. We are there to providesafety and to reduce any amount of fear. Because we know that if our child'sfear, then they don't feel afraid or scared. They don't feel protected. Andit's very primal for us as parents to protect our children and instead ofsaying, be careful, we could tell them small steps of what to do. Oh whenyou're climbing the side of the slide or up the ladder, make sure you hold onto both sides. A simple instruction of what to do could be very helpful forchild navigating and trying new experiences, rather than constantly saying, youknow, don't do this. Don't do that. We don't want you to fall. We don't want toget hurt. We don't want you to get whatever it may be. And we're planting allthese little seeds of fear in our children with our own worry.

Sostep inside, look within and see what kind of language or vocabulary you'reusing every day with your child. How often are you saying things that are givingthem the impression that they need to be scared? Also, what are you doing totry new and different experiences? Are any of them unfamiliar and scary? Andhow do you face those fears? How do you get through them? How do you overcomethem and share those experiences with your children and remind them that youwere scared. And this is what you did to get through it, or that you felt it.But you knew that the reward or the payoff was gonna be more valuable than thefear that was stopping you or making you second guess what you wanted to do.  The outcome was gonna be worth it. Many peopledon't believe me when I say that my mom does not give me a lot of advice. Shehas been very supportive of me and has always trusted my judgment and intuitionas a mother. And often the advice that she gives me is to follow my heart. Butthere was one time when we were at lego land, which is an amusement park forchildren. And my son was climbing on a cement wall. And if he would have fallenoff the wall, it would have only been about two feet. If you would fall enoughone way to two feet onto the ground. If he would have fallen off the other way,he would have fallen into shreds, brushes, bushes, and I found myself saying,be careful. And that's when my mom said, honey, I’m gonna give you some advice.And it's something that I learned when I was young and have used it with mychildren. And I have found it to be extremely helpful. And when your childrenare exploring or trying new and scary situations, even if it's just climbing ona tree, you’re on a small wall or something, even where they could potentiallyfall. She said, you know, Mary, it's easier to mend a broken bone than it is tomend broken courage. And I will never forget those words of wisdom. And it hashelped me tremendously with my three young, active boys who like to climb treesand fences and stairs on anything they can. And for me as a parent, of course,there's a little bit of that fear, but I guide them and know that they have thecourage to try that. And even if they slip and fall, that they're going to beokay. When your child is trying something that may feel a little bit scary toyou or to them acknowledge what they are doing and the bravery that they'redemonstrating, and the courage that it takes to try, even though it was scaryor another example would be to introduce themselves to a new friend. That can bea little scary, but encouraging them and saying, I have total faith in you. Iknow it's a scary, I know it's intimidating. And I know that you have theconfidence or you have the courage, or you have the skill to walk up there andintroduce yourself and then to say to them, what's the worst that can happen?Sometimes when we ask ourselves that simple question,  that can help ease our fear and help us tounderstand that we might be exaggerating or catastrophe a very extreme outcomethat wouldn't be as realistic.

Iwas recently speaking with one of my friends who now has her oldest daughter,who is fourteen. And she has found that she has a lot of fears that she'safraid to stay the night at her friends house. She still carries her blanketaround, you know, kind of discreetly, but takes it with her as often aspossible. Um, is worried that she might get kidnapped or that someone might gethurt or arrested. And we were able to discover my friends and I that a lot ofthe fears that she has now as a young teenager are fears that were planted bythe mom. And the mom was using those fearful threats as a way to motivate herchild to stay close to her. And this was mostly in public places. So she wouldsay, don't walk away from me. Because if you walk away from me, you might getkidnapped or don't walk away from me. Because then the police might take youaway because I’m not doing a good enough job as a parent or don't walk awayfrom me, or you might get lost. And then I’ll never find you. So this is justone example that where parents use these fearful comments as a way to keeptheir child close and safe. But long term, what we're learning through myfriend is that these statements have really affected her. And she's really afearful person now. And she's afraid that she might be abducted or kidnapped ortaken away or lost or hurt. So she has definitely not had the opportunity andsupport or the environment to go out and try new things or the courage to doso. She has felt much more comfortable and safe when she is with her mom andwith her immediate family. So that's just a little caution for parents toreally think about what you might be saying now to your young children to helpmotivate them and how it really might hurt them or have a negative effect longterm.

Evenwhen your child is willing to try a new and unfamiliar experience that can bescary, encourage them with small steps. So if your child is afraid of the wateror afraid of swimming, one of the things that you could do with would be reallyvalidate their feelings and encourage them by saying, well, what if we go atyour pace, but we take baby steps until it isn't scary anymore. So what if thefirst day or the first lesson we go, and we just sit with our feet in thewater? And then the second lesson you can sit, you know, on the step. And thenthe third lesson you can swim directly with the instructor or with your float,or however, that child will feel comfortable. The point of this example is thatyou don't wanna just throw them into the water to help them overcome theirfear. Because once they get wet and they have to, you know, sink or swim, thenthat will teach them to face their fears that actually will not have a positiveresult that could really magnify their fear even more. So because we know the importanceof connection and once the child's connected, that's when the change will mostlikely happen. So you can do that with your validating a feelings, taking smallsteps, modeling courage, modeling new and different experiences for you thatmight feel scary. Recognizing when your child is brave or is courageous andreally be detailed with what it is that they're doing that is representingthose acts of bravery so that they can recognize them, and that that can alsohelp build their self esteem and their confidence to try new and differentexperiences, and finally have faith that your child will most likely overcomethe fears that they're going through with a lot of encouragement in support.

Wedon't want to shame them. We don't wanna blame them. We don't want to embarrassand embarrass them as a way of motivation. I hope that you find these tools tobe helpful, and I look forward to speaking you again during our next lesson,where we're going to talk about negativity and what to do when your child isalways against you. It just feels like they're always against you. We have lotsof great tools for that. And I look forward to sharing with you then. Okay,until next time, take care, bye bye.