21（英）What to do when your child has trouble interacting with people

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本课程是中英双语授课，您可以点击“专辑--节目”选择中文或英文课程进行收听，英文课程由玛丽·尼尔森本人讲述，对应中文内容是由中国的正面管教导师甄颖完成。谢谢您的订阅，希望您能有所收获。

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Hello, Ximalaya’s subscribers. My name is MaryNelsen. And today we are going to be talking about what to do when your childhas trouble interacting with people in public but acts like an emperor in thehome. Every parent knows that friendships are important. Friends enrich ourlives. They boost our self-esteem. And they provide us that moral support thatwe need when we're faced with life's challenges. Developmentally speaking;making a friend in school is every bit as important as them getting an A andlearning how to form successful peer relationships is a critical skill for kidsand one that they will be using and refining all of their lives.

Somekids have a harder time fitting in and building the foundation of childhoodinteraction, like sharing a toy or engaging in make believe; saying how yourchild feels emotional regulation might challenge them. While parents can't makefriends for their children, they can help them to develop and practice the keysocial skills that they need to make friends, and then to nurture thosefriendships. If you see your child struggling to make friends or gettingrejected by other kids, here are some of the steps and some of the differenttools that you can use to help them.

First,we want to build their social skills. And to do this, we will use our firstpositive discipline tool of taking time for training. Social skills don't comenaturally to all kids. And if you notice that your child is struggling tointeract with their peers, the first step you can do is to try some coaching athome. Practice taking turns and sharing during family play time and explainedthat friends expect the same good behavior. As you've heard me talk about theimportance of modeling as a parent, you should also be careful to demonstrategood social behavior yourself when talking to family members and to your ownfriends.

Ifyour child is having trouble interacting in public, try planning a play day inyour home. Children, especially children that tend to be more on theintroverted side or shy side, feel more comfortable in their own home. So ifyou host a play day at your house, you can provide the activity that requiresless conversation and more participation. This chart way your child won't feeloverwhelmed with a new environment. And they can also work on their social andemotional skills, like communication, compromise, compassion for the otherchild, and to really practice in an environment that feels comfortable.

Ifyou schedule a play day, I recommend that you plan ahead and put away toys thatdiscourage social interaction or provoke fighting. That means putting away toyweapons. It also means putting away toys designed for solitary play, or whichinspires self absorption, like video games. And if your child can't bear toshare something, then it's best to put it away, hide it until the play day isover.

Supervisedplay days are a great way for your children to build their social muscles. Whenparents spend more time before play days, reviewing the social cues with theirchildren, some activities for play dates require prep. And to do that, you'llwant to start with another positive discipline tool of asking curiosityquestions and also role playing. These are both very valuable tools and can behelpful in preparing them for their social situations. So start by having adiscussion with your child, talk with your child about what it means to be agood host. Ask your child, what will you do to make your guest feel comfortable,and then listen, maybe even brainstorm some of those ideas on paper. Have yourchild pick out a few games in advance, and then ask how you know when it's timeto move on to the next game. And then again, listen and write those answersdown. Then you can ask your child how she will know if her guests are having agood time. Are they smiling? Are they laughing? Or are they pouting and feelingangry, expressing anger?

Wewant our children to be able to pick up on these social cues. Let the play dayunfold as it may. Children learn from natural consequences of their actions,which is why it's so important to let them practice socializing in the warm andsupportive environment, like your home. And when you review how it went, focuson the good behaviors you want to reinforce, encouragement by saying what younoticed went well or certain personality traits that they demonstrated insteadof saying, good job, you are a good girl. You might say you shared very wellwith your friends. Or I notice how you compromised when you were deciding whichgame or activity to do next. It's important that you don't focus on negativeexamples or challenges until after you've been sure to create that connection.Once you have created that connection, you can then focus on the solutions andproblem solve. A great way to build the connection is to simply acknowledge orvalidate their child's feelings and offer a hug. Once your child is calm andyou feel connected, you can then suggest having a role play by you playing yourchild and your child playing the friend.

This is meant to be used with some sense of humor, an encouragement versusany shame or criticism. Once your child has that experience through the roleplay, you can then ask your child, what were they thinking? How did that makethem feel? And what did they do? Meaning  how did they want to respond? This can beextremely powerful for your child to have this experience versus telling ourlecturing about what they should do.

Another step is to be in emotion coach, everybody has negative emotions andselfish impulses. But to make friends, we need to keep these responses undercontrol. Studies have shown that western kids suggest that children developbetter emotional social self control when their parents talk to them abouttheir feelings in a sympathetic and problem solving way. Kids with negativeemotions are usually trivialized by example. The parent might say, you're justbeing silly, or they might have a punitive response and say, go to your roomuntil you cool off. And they want their child to pay for their behavior. And aswe're learning a positive discipline, this really is not teaching your childrenabout what to do. And this also is not helping them to feel better.

Wewant our children to know how to problem solve and to have self control and todeal with the challenges that can be invited when having play days or any kindof emotions involving friends. Studies of both western and Chinese childrenhave shown that kids are more likely to be rejected by their peers when theirparents practice authoritarian style parenting, an approach characterized bylow levels of warmth and high levels of control. Authoritarian parentsdiscourage thoughtful discussion and attempt to control behavior throughpunishment and criticism or control. And kids that are raised this way are lesslikely to develop and internalize sense of right and wrong. And the kidssubjected to punishment, criticism, shame tend to show more hostility andaggression. These kids are more inclined to be defiant and therefore provokemore heavy handed discipline from their parents. Their parents wanna make thempay, that's going to teach them. And we know that that's not helpful. That'snot gonna teach them long term.

Theextreme opposite side of authoritarian style parenting is the permissiveparent. The permissive parent tends to be very loving, yet provides few limitsand rules. These parents don't expect mature behavior from their children, andoften seem more like a friend than a parental figure. They tend to spoil theirchildren by giving them everything they want or doing things for them that theyknow that they can do themselves. But to make it easier, or to show how muchthey love them, they do everything for them. This is not helpful for children.In fact, it leads them to spoil their children and children then decide thatlove or friendship means me getting my way, giving me everything I want and afeeling of entitlement. And these children often believe that love meansgetting everything I want and giving everything to me, and that the world revolvesaround me is their way of getting through life. And that's not the kind offriend that we want in our life, somebody that feels entitled or spoiled, orthe child thinks that the world revolves around them. So in China, as I amlearning, this child is often referred to as the little emperor.

Soif we are gonna do authoritarian style parenting or permissive style parenting,we are going to teach authoritative parenting, also known as positivediscipline parenting. And this is demonstrated or characterized by bothkindness and firmness. This type of parent sets limits for their children andhelp them develop the belief that they're responsible for their actions, andtherefore that they're capable, they can do things for themselves.Authoritative parents relate to their kids with warmth, and they attempt toshape their behavior through rational discussions. An explanation of thereasons for any limits they set, and then they get their children involved bymaking those agreements. Instead of making those agreements for their children,they're doing it with their children.

Andwhen children are involved in problem solving and focusing on solutions, theyfeel empowered. They can feel capable, they feel responsible, they feelrespected, and they will implement that into their friendships. This will be away of communicating. And this will be their norm. This will be a natural stylefor them. And studies have also shown that authoritative style parents tend tohave kids who are less aggressive, more self reliant, more self controlled, andbetter liked by their peers. It's possible. But it also seems likely thatcertain aspects of authoritative parenting, like fostering a discussion orhaving a particular discussion about emotions in social complex, that this isencouraging to a child and therefore will boost their social skills and to helpyour kids make friends.

You'llwant to coach kids on how to cope with tricky social situations. We know thatthat's part of development, that's part of being a child. That's part offiguring out how to really navigate through the challenges of being in peercircles or situations. So let's get real specific and talk about some of thedifferent things that you can do. First, you want to have a discussion withyour child, and you can start by asking questions. One of the questions mightbe, if you see some children that are playing and you wanna join them, how doyou go about it? And then again, as his parents, we really need to listen. Iknow it's really tempting to tell them, but we really want to draw forth,invite them to search for the answer. This is much more effective and helpfulin their learning. You can then suggest that before making their approach,invite them to watch the other kids and to see what they're doing. And then askthe question, what can you do to fit in? For example, try joining the game bydoing something relevant or related.

Ifthe kids that are playing our role playing or are doing pretend play of runninga restaurant or being a restaurant owner, you can ask the child if they wouldgo to that group of kids and say, can I be a new customer? Or if they're in themiddle of a game, ask if they can play in the next round. Another question youcan ask is how the other kids might feel if your child is destructive oroverbearing or critical. And if they try to change the game, and then again,really listen to what their responses, if the other kids don't want you to joinin, what can you do? What could they do? Will they like it if you try to force itor insist on playing it your way, and then you could ask your child, would yoube willing to just sit back, back off or to find something else to do. Again,the principle behind these questions is really getting into the child's world,letting them come up with the answers. When they come up with the answers,they're more meaningful and they will be more likely to follow what their ideaswere, what their plan was.

Whenpossible, let kids try working things out on their own. I know this is really,really hard for parents. We wanna protect our children, and often times weinterfere and we are robbing them from the natural experiences of socialdevelopment and learning from their mistakes or from their behaviors and whatthe consequences of those actions would be. So we know that young toddlers needto be closely supervised, but his kids get older, parents need to back off.Parents who hover over their kids are robbing them of the chance to developthose very important, important emotional and social skills. And often timesthey're robbing them of those disappointment muscles. Those disappointment musclesare gonna help them long term. It's gonna help build the resilience. And it'sgonna help them learn from their mistakes. If they didn't like an outcome, askthem, what could you do differently next time? One exception to really lettingkids work it out is bullying. Bullying isn't a healthy part of childhood. Andtherefore, this is the one exception when adults need to get involved.

Anotherimportant skill is for you to show off your social  skills. Parents can help children developsocial emotional skills through encouragement and modeling. When you see yourchildren exhibiting friendly behaviors, such as sharing and taking turns , encouragethem by stating what you notice. This is encouraging to them. And this willhelp them repeat those positive behaviors. And by modeling positive andfriendly behaviors, you can guide your children to do the same. As we continueto talk more about positive discipline and the importance of belonging andsignificance, we need to remember that children who are excluded often justwanna be accepted by their peers.

Sothe best thing parents can do, particularly in the grade school years, is tohelp your kids find a social niche by encouraging them to make friends,developing special interest, and build an overall sense of confidence withencouragement and support. And remember that when your children make mistakes,focus on solutions, what can they do differently? What did they learn? Is thereanything they can do to repair it? Do they need to apologize? Do they need topractice more with you by having role plays and really getting into the child'sworld or and really getting into the other child's world.

Thiswill also teach them compassion and empathy and a better understanding for whatothers might be thinking and feeling. I hope that you find the tools for thischallenge to be helpful. Again, some curiosity questions, validating their feelings,role playing, modeling. All of these are very encouraging and will help yourchildren long term. And to remember that it's about practice and progress, notperfection. I look forward to speaking with you again soon about cooperationand how to encourage your child to enjoy sharing until next time. Enjoy therest of your day. And I look forward to speaking with you again soon. Take care,bye bye.