11（英）What to do if your child does not continue an extra curricular activity

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Hello Ximalaya subscribers. My name is Mary Nelsen. And today we are gonnabe talking about what to do if your child does not want to continue an extracurricular activity, or if you find that they don't even want to try a new one.

So before we get started, I want to mention and really kind of encourageyou as parents that what you do, everything that you do is in the name of love.And often times our children don't see what we do for them as opportunities.Their goals might not be the same as your goals. So although you may want yourchild to be successful in an activity or a sport or a talent, it's really important to really tune into your child and follow their leadand their passion. And to remember that through the encouragement and lots ofthe positive discipline skills, you can helpyour child reach the goal that they can help choose, and and also to includeyou in part of creating that goal.

So the first question I want to ask is, when your child says they don'twant to do a specific sport or activity, are you discouraging them by saying,”well, it's too late. We already signed up for theseason. And you said you wanted to do this. So you need to follow through andfinish”, or you talk them out of it and say, “oh, you don't really hate soccer,you love soccer.” And your child is trying to tell you either through theirwords or through their actions that they just don't want to do it anymore. Soit doesn't have to be a sport or an art club or a drama club that your child isdoing that is your idea, but to maybe ask them questions to find out what theirinterests are and what their passion is. And so your job as a parent might beto introduce them to several different activities and sports or talents, andreally focus on where your child's passion is. And you'll know, because yourchild will already be dressed without you having to remind them, they'll beasking you when their next practice is they'll really be engaged and committed.You'll see the passion. You won't have to force it because let's be honest, weas parents are struggling with lots of other power struggles, whether it be thebedtime hassles or the school hassles or sibling hassles, getting them tocontribute in the home with chores, a little bit of attitude along the way. Sothe one area that we don't want to invite those struggles with our children isin something that they should be enjoying, something that they should belearning from and accelerating at. So that's reallyimportant to remember. If your child does want to start a new season, it'simportant to encourage them by saying “this is a season with a team. And oncewe sign up, it's important to your other teammates, your coach and to ourbudget that you follow through on that full season.” And this might give theman opportunity to really explore how often they're gonna have to go, how manygames they might have, or how many practices they might have in a season. Andif they would be willing to give you a verbal agreement and possibly brainstormfor ideas to make that season successful, whether it be having some involvementin creating the schedule or finding an activity that doesn't involve too manypractices, you might find your child is resistant or reluctant and going and it's because there's there's too many practices or too many lessons in aweek, and we don't wanna burn your child out. So when they really, really loveit and are passion about what they do, three times a week or four times a weekwill not be an issue.

Another point to makefor parents is that oftentimes I have found that parents want to have, youknow, live through their child by curiously and have them love whatever theyloved as a child, or wish that their parents would have supported them in. Soif you, as a parent, loved tennis and playing tennis as a teenager, your childmight not necessarily have the same passion or love for tennis. So it's reallyimportant to introduce them to several activities so that you can really findout where their passion is.

Another question toask yourself when the child is resistant about going is to really find outwhat's going on under the surface. Is your child afraid he or she won't be goodenough or that she'll disappoint you? Is there a personality clash between yourchild and the coach? Is she possibly being bullied by teammates? So it'simportant for a child's reason and to really listen to what that reason is. AndI think that's one of the the most difficult challenges for parents is to sitand listen to your child and when they are explaining to you why they don'tlike the sport or activity or why they don't want to go to ask questions andsay: “you know, what is it that you don't like?” And instead of going straightto an answer, ask them, well, what ideas do you have for that particularchallenge? You might find that you have too many activities and sports within aweek. And children really need that down time. They need down time to read abook and to ride a bike and and to just relax and connect possibly with friendsor of course with their family. And you if your track child quits the activitythat they signed up for, one of the things that you might want to do instead ofdiscouraging them, is to encourage them by asking what else they can do duringthat time, possibly volunteering or contributing to their community in apositive way. We want your child to be able to feel that sense of belonging andsignificance, and often times that comes from a particular activity, especiallywhen they love it, and they're engaged and when it's forced, either by theparent or um, even sometimes the school, it will invite a lot of discouragementwithin that child. And you'll find a lot of resistance, which equals a lot ofattitude can eventually lower their self esteem and their confidence. Soremember, if you can, in the budget, introduce your children to as manyactivities as possible, and you will see the passion, you will see their dedication,you will see and hear them talking about it and really shining in thatparticular activity, the perseverance will shine.

So it also might be apossibility that you need to find less time-consuming activities. So what Ihave found is that many parents here in the US are having their childreninvolved in competitive sports, which will often require three to fourpractices, and sometimes the entire weekend would be filled with games andtournaments. So that child is not having enough down time. We know as adultsthat when we GO GO GO, we tend to lose fuel and our children need more downtime. That's also part of their growth. And even if the downtime is just to becompletely bored with nothing to do, that's when their child will practicetheir creativity and build up their resilience because they're so bored, that'sgood for them. That brings a little bit of disappointment which will help themlong term. And if it's if your child absolutely refuses to go and finish theseason, what you can do after you brain stormed all the ideas and possibilitiesfor them, not quitting. But if the final answer, the final decision is for themto quit, then possibly brainstorming with them on what they would be willing tocontribute back to you financially. Are they willing to give a portion of theirallowance back to the money that you invested? This will help them learn thevalue in quitting a season. And if it's worth it to them financially andemotionally to quit mid season and another thing that I have found withcompetitive sports and with my boys playing baseball is that a lot of coachescan be really discouraging. And that's never their intention. Their intentionis always to help motivate the player. So you can have one sport, for example.My son's in baseball have always loved baseball, but one season of a coach thatdoesn't motivate them, that doesn't feel them help them to feel encouragedcould almost invite, and I've seen it a child to not love that sport any more:And so it's not that they don't love the sport, it's they don't love atmospherein the environment that they're learning and practicing that sport. So if yourchild quits, don't take that as a done deal. Check in with them again next seasonand ask them if they would like to sign up or try again. And you can alsovalidate their feelings on how discouraging it might be. And you know what kindof uh, replies or responses they could have, what they could do differently, orwhat they could do to encourage a positive environment and just really gettingthem involved. Because again, you want them to feel connected. You want them tofeel heard and like you really understand what they are thinking and what theyare feeling. And then the decision that is being made is what they will do. That's their action.

And so again,parents, I really commend all of you for the schedules and the sacrifices thatwe make for our children financially, physically, emotionally, we are soinvested and we want our children to be successful. And we want to rememberthat it cannot be at the cost of the relationship with them. And when they feelencouraged, they're gonna do better. And when they feel supported, they're gonnaknow that they can come to you, that you're gonna listen and you're not gonnajudge them or criticize them, and invite them to feel ashamed or guilty abouttheir decision. But just to really encourage them in brainstorm for differentideas, different thoughts, different passions, and to really listen.

As always, I lovesharing positive discipline tools with you and really encouraging you asparents to go out there and practice and to be gentle with yourself when itdoesn't go perfect. There's no such thing as a perfect parent. And there's nosuch thing as a perfect child. And these challenges that you're facing are allopportunities to teach. These are all teachable moments. And I know that thatis what is encouraging to me as a parent is when I feel really discouraged and,you know, struggling in a challenge, I say “okay, again, this is one of thoseteachable moments, and they're not easy, but it's worth it to build therelationship and to support your child and to really make sure that the messageof love gets through. So the heart, the just to highlight some of the toolsthat we talked about today, besides asking the questions and try to identifyyour particular situation and where your child might be, but is to reallyvalidate them when they are sharing their feelings and their thoughts. And todo that is really encouraging for them. You also wanna listen. And just whenyou think that you want to respond or try to fix or or come up with a solution,stay quiet a little bit longer and really listen: Is there anything else? Isthere anything else I should know? Is there anything that we could do? How canI help? And to focus on solutions, brainstorm with them, get them involved.What ideas do they have? And again, this will just empower your children andstrengthen your relationship.

I look forward to speaking with you again in the next episode of what todo when your child lacks confidence, and I think it's going to tie in a lotwith what we just discussed and their extra curricular activities and theopportunities, and to really focus on their passions and what makes them shine.Okay, until next time, it's always my pleasure. And I look forward to speakingto all of you again soon. Take care bye bye.