27（英） What to do if your child makes trouble at school

【提示】

本课程是中英双语授课，您可以点击“专辑--节目”选择中文或英文课程进行收听，英文课程由玛丽·尼尔森本人讲述，对应中文内容是由中国的正面管教导师甄颖完成。谢谢您的订阅，希望您能有所收获。

【音频英文稿】

Hello, Ximalaya subscribers, myname is Mary Nelsen. And today we are going to be talking about what to do ifyour child makes trouble at school. I'd like to start by sharing that I seekids every week who struggle with managing their frustration and find it toughto get along with their peers.

They struggle to follow instructions，they can't see their own tasks，they can't finish the work that set for them. Their struggles meanthat they're frequently getting in trouble at school. In other words,everything from getting corrected, reprimanded, punished, losing privileges,suspended, even removed from school, asked to be involved in the mediation, andto reconsider their choices and so on. And as a child, you can imagine howdiscouraging this must feel for them, but also for you as a parent, if you canrelate to any of those outcomes, which can be really negative and stressful foryour family.

So when this happens repeatedly for children, it breaks the parents’hearts. We love our children and we want what's best for them. The parents thatI see with the kids who are always “in trouble” will frequently feel angry, they'reupset, distressed, they feel guilty, ashamed, extremely worried, and thenconfused about what to do. Unfortunately, this distress means these parentssometimes do things in the name of love and what they believe to be motivating-- which accidentally makes things worse -- not only for themselves, but fortheir children.

So before we can help change our child's behavior, we need to firstevaluate our own behavior and see how we may or may not be contributing tomodeling the good behavior, as well as what to do with those big emotions thatgoing to come up for us as parents when we feel discouraged, ashamed, annoyed,may be embarrassed, and of course sometimes powerless about what to do. So hereare some of the biggest and most common mistakes that parents make when ourchild says to us “I got in trouble at school today”.

And we're going to discuss how each of these mistakes are stillopportunities to learn and to create that trusting and connected relationshipthat you want and need to have with your child. So one of the first mistakesthat parents make is they often get angry with the teacher. So as parents, wehave a strong subconscious biological urge to protect our children. Thereptilian part of our brain goes into protective mode for our children. It'svery primal and completely normal to have this natural reaction. However, we'relearning that our reactive and often irrational thoughts are not going to helpus invite that respectful communication and the cooperation that we need tothen focus on solutions, solve the problem, fix the problem.

So we need to be accessing our rational brains andstaying calm. When another person criticizes， isangry or corrects our child，sometimes we had thatinstinctive anger response. This is especially true if we feel like someone isacting unfairly towards our kids. And however, some need to take the break ofthe change. We're looking for change in that cycle of defensiveness and createa new habit and practice of mutual respect and concern for everyone that'sinvolved.

So makes sense that when we feel angry, I know that we want to react. Andunfortunately, it's REALLY not helpful to speak aggressively to your child orto your teacher or anyone at the school. So as a parent, your role is to modelemotional management to your child -- this means stopping to take some deepbreath, and then ask yourself in your calm. If you are calm enough to discussthe details or have a common of tone, a voice to ask the questions withoutlecturing your child and where you could ask those questions and really listen.if you're not calm, if it's not the right time, then it would be wise for youto take some time for yourself until you can speak rationally and respectfullyand access that rational part of your brain, that prefrontal cortex.

And then that's when you can start problem solving with your child. But youhave to have that connection first. We've said in many of our lessons, Connectionbefore Correction, a lot of that connection start with you. I will talk alittle bit about why we as parents usually need to control our own behavior andthen focus on the compassion and having more understanding for our children andour teachers. We usually don't have the full story. Children frequentlyreported everything correctly or don't tell us the entire story.

Often they're not deliberately lying, they just don't know or see thecontext. When we approach the teacher, you will have that intention to heartheir side and to find that compassion for the difficulty in the situation andthe importance for them as their roles a teacher, most teachers are tryingextremely hard to support our children while doing incredibly difficult jobs.They are often the subject of repeated criticism from other parents, and wedon't wanna be another parent that's going to upset them that day.

And they're often dealing with high levels of stress and burnout. So whenwe come to them with good intention and encouraging behaviors and ideas, thenthey will see that we are also on their side， on our child's side and focusingon solutions to find a solution to the problem that's happening. So again,acting in aggressive ways towards the teacher is going to make the teacher moredefensive, frustrated and less cooperative. This is also true for yourchildren. So it's really important to make sure that we're calm and that we'recoming with intention and compassion.

So when your children understand that you're there to help cooperate withthem in creating this plan while focusing on solutions with the teacher, andeveryone will be involved. Then there will be a connection, an understandingthat you were all there to focus on the goal of problem solving, having aconversation with the teacher and your child will create this connection. Andthe relationship that you're going to have with your child and your teacher isimportant, because that's when the relationship will be seen and felt withpositivity, and therefore will invite that encouragement.

And the willing is her mere child to cooperate and to bring a better energyand attitude into the classroom. All these principles will invite thecooperation and the positive attitude that the teacher and your child needs tofeel encouraged to change those challenging behaviors, those challengingsituations into helpful and positive behaviors. Another important point is that， it's notterrible for your children to get in trouble occasionally. It's very developmentally appropriate. And oftentimes your children are going to learn throughtheir experiences. And a lot of those experiences are mistakes and they canlearn potentially a great deal from correcting it, depending on the situation,taking accountability and responsibility, and then remembering that all thechallenges that they face in their life. And you as a parent, are opportunitiesto teach and to learn.

It's how they learn by those experiences with your support, without shame,without lecturing with them, knowing that you're on their side, that everythingwe do in the need as parents is in the name of love, but making sure thatmessage is real clear to your children. Another mistake that we make asparents, as we get angry with our child, we do it because we may face our ownfear or embarrassment. Of course, we love our children in everything we do isin the name of love. However, if you ask your child, they usually say thatmessage of love definitely wasn't clear.

Sometimes as parents, we go the other way when the children do the wrongthing at school, we get mad with our kids and we want to make them pay, and wedo this with punishment or by shaming and lecturing them. Being angry isunderstandable -- that's a natural emotion, it's a feeling that you have. It'sreal. You don't need to deny that. It's frustrating when our kids act innegative ways at school. Sometimes it can feel like we've talked to our kidsrepeatedly about doing the right thing, not hitting other kids and puttingtheir hands up， when they need to finish their work, when they need to finish it ontime, keeping their head down，whatever the rules of theclassroom are, and they still mess up or get in trouble.

And so after that tenth occasion, it's tempting to get really angry andpull out this same great punishment that we think is going to motivate them. Sowe might take something away like “That's it, your ipad is mine，it's going inthe bin, it's on restriction”. But unfortunately, getting angry with yourchildren doesn't help either. When we punish our children and take awayprivileges we invite them to experience one or all of the 4Rs of punishment.The first R is Resentment. They're going to resent you and the situation, andthey're not going to be learning or they're gonna seek Eevenge. And oftentimesthey're gonna get even with you, even if it hurts them, or they might go to Rebellion.

This is why they just get sneaky and they won't get clever. Or the final Ris for them to Retreat -- this is why the child feels bad or develops that lowself-esteem. Here's why we need to stay calm with our children who have “got introuble”. We've sometimes forgotten that school can be extremely hard work. Dealingwith other kids is often annoying, hurtful and tiring. So having to listen andfollow instructions all day is exhausting and hard work for little ones. Forour children, school can definitely deplete their physical, mental, and emotionalstability, intolerance, sometimes teachers being human beings act unreasonable,irritable, impatient, and unfair.

Having to deal with that when you have a small brain can be prettydifficult.

It's extremely normal for children to break the rules, do the wrong thing,lose their temper, and get off task. Children are still learning how to managetheir frustration, get along with others, concentrate, finish tasks, and berespectful to others.

Getting angry with your child doesn't actually help them change - in fact,it can mean that they're less likely to be able to do so. One of my favoritequotes from my mom, Jane Nelsen is “Where did parents get the crazy ideathat in order to make children do better first you have to make them feelworse. Children can do better when they feel better.” Wecan all do better when we feel better.

So part of your job as a parent is to give information, but a bigger partof your job is to help your children learn form themselves, learn from theirmistakes without your lecturing and punishment and imposing consequences. Theyreally just need your guidance, your support for them to know that you're ontheir side and to help them learn. And this can be accomplished by listeningwith new ears. Listening is the most difficult communication skill a parent canhave and can learn. So practice listening with your mouth closed and askingquestions, because you're truly curious and you want to get in their world andwhat they're thinking and what they're feeling.

Another mistake that we make as parents as we might ignore this situationentirely， sometimes when children get in trouble. As parents, we just pretendthe whole thing hasn't happened. This isn't surprising either. Parents ingeneral, are often overwhelmed. This is too much to do. There's no time to doit or to deal with it and the range of challenges that are gonna come alongwith it.

And so for parents who have children who get in trouble frequently, this isespecially true. Sometimes it feels like the best thing to do is just let theschool deal with it. Not to ask too many questions or just wait until the childis in a different class, older or something changes.

And so here's why ignoring the situation can be a problem:

I believe this is often a mistake and here's what we can learn anddefinitely do differently as parents.

-Almost every time children get in trouble, it potentially (if we start “digging”)for those answers and information, it can provide us that vital informationabout what our child needs.

It's like a flag to say, here's what my child isn't so good at，and here'swhat they need help with because this is what they're struggling with. Thisinformation can be extremely helpful - and we don't always get the informationthat we need by lecturingor not listening carefully.

-Teachers don't have the time or the resources to help children learn tobehave in different ways on their own, unless they're, of course, practicingclass meetings in practicing positive discipline in their classroom. However, Iknow that is not as common as we would like it to be. So as parents andcaregivers we have a unique ability to do this in a different way that ourteachers can.

-So ignoring the situation might give the message (to the school or theteachers or even to our own children) that this difficult behavior isn’timportant. This means it may happen again.

Another mistake that we make as parents as we blame ourselves. Finally, somany of the parents I see blame themselves when their children get in trouble.They feel a sense of shame about their parenting and feel like they haven'tdone enough or their child's behavior is a reflection of them as a parent.

So once again, blame yourself isn't helpful. And the parenting struggle isreal and we need to be compassionate toward ourselves as parents rather thanblaming ourselves.

It's really painful forparents when their child, when their child gets in trouble repeatedly. I havemany parents that cry many tears in my office about this issue. Having yourchild in trouble, especially when it's repeated， causes genuine and deep hurt, andwe should take care of ourselves.

-So if we are kind toward ourselves as a parent，first, it willthen be easier to be kind to our children，and of coursethe teachers.

Perhaps reflect a moment: When you get this information that your child,got in trouble at school and ask yourself, what are some of the mistakes thatyou might make?

There's four, the first mistake: Getting angry at the teacher; The secondmistake: Getting angry at your child; The third mistake: Ignoring thesituation, or finally: Blaming yourself, another mistake.

If you can, try to avoid these mistakes.I invite you to instead try doingthe following:

-Stay calm and caring when talking with your child about the situation.

-Do some gentle digging and exploring of what happened by asking curiosityquestions --

This will help you get that better understanding of the situation and whatthe skills are that your child might need to work on.

-Communicate calmly and respectfully to the teacher.

-Be kind to yourself.

If we can do this, then getting in trouble, Problems don't lead to moretrouble. Instead, you have the opportunity to create an even deeper trust andmore respectful communication with your child. If you're getting eye rose orlots of resistance, then go back to the principles and focus on therelationship. Remember, these tools are so helpful.

They really do work, but they will not work if you do not have theconnection with your child if the relationship in the trust is not there. So Iwish you the absolute best:I know that the struggle is real, and parenting is areally difficult job, and it's the most important one. So listening and tryingand practicing what you're learning. That's the first step. And I justappreciate every one of you for taking the time to be a better parent. And yourchildren will appreciate it too. They might not appreciate it right away, butwhen they are adults, they will appreciate it, especially when they becomeparents themselves. Until next time it is always my pleasure sharing thesetools in my experiences until next time. Bye bye.