14（英）：What to do When Your Child is Angry ?

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本课程是中英双语授课，您可以点击“专辑--节目”选择中文或英文课程进行收听，英文课程由玛丽·尼尔森本人讲述，对应中文内容是由中国的正面管教导师甄颖完成。谢谢您的订阅，希望您能有所收获。

【音频英文稿】

Hello, Himalaya’s subscribers. This is Dr. Jane Nelson. 

And today I’m going to talk about anger. what to do when your child has an angry fit? Well, first of all, I want you to tell you that it is normal for children to have angry temper tantrums every once in a while. This is part of developing and normal children are individuating, they're finding out who am I suffer from my mother or my father and it's sort of looks like power struggles. But that is exactly what it is. In some ways, they're finding out what kind of power does I have in this world? Who am I? How can I use my power?  

And the way to avoid power struggles is first of all, I'm gonna tell you what not to do. Do not give in and give your child whatever he or she wants. This is what teaches children to use their temper tantrums just as a way of manipulating you to get their own way. Also, though, do not scold or threaten or humiliate. This just helps a child feel that he or she does not belong and he's not significant. 

So what do you do? The main principle that the tools are based on is how important it is to treat children with dignity and respect, even when they're having a temper tantrum. And so the tools that go along with this is, first of all, you've heard it before and you'll hear it again, validate their feelings. It is so important that we allow children to have their feelings and work through them so that they can feel resilient and confident that they can survive the ups and downs of life. 

An example of this might be, I can see that you are so angry. Now the child might be having so much of a temper tantrum that they hardly even hear you. But the feeling will be there. And then you can walk away again. They might not hear you, but you can say, Come and find me when you're ready or I have faith in you, come find me when you're ready. And another tool that works best after the child has calmed down is hug. To say, I really need a hug. 

But I want to tell you one example of when one father used this right in the middle of a temper tantrum. Because he ask for advice about what to do when his child, his four year old was having a temper tantrum. And it was advised that he just ask his child for a hug to say, I need a hug. So, the very next week he came back and reported that, his child was in the middle of a temper tantrum. And he said, I need a hug. And the little boy what? And the father said I need a hug. A little boy now. And the father said, yes, I need a hug now. And the little boys. Oh, all right. And then he stops and gives his father a hug. And after very steeply hugging for a few seconds, they both kind of melt in each other's arms. And then the father said, thanks, I really needed that. And the little boy said so did I. 

And the thing is here is that we just really need to understand that children need connection before correction even when they don't really need it. But also, you'll notice that the father said, I need a hug. Not you need a hug. Because if you say you need a hug, the child might say, no, I don't. But we do believe that children have this innate desire to want to contribute to others. And when you say I need your help or I need your hug, that could really be appealing. But it doesn't work. No, nothing works all the time. Every time. 

So another tool we really like is the anger will choice. And this means that in advance, you have created a wheel of choice with your child. Not for your child, but with your child, where they sit down and draw a big circle and put pie shapes in the circle and let them think of things that might help them calm down. 

Well, when they're angry, and it might be to draw a picture of how angry they feel or two a pound on clay, or to dare say, draw a picture. And that it was they might want to use puppets to express their anger. Or they might just want to share how they feel with someone with you. 

And they might want to put it on the family meeting agenda. I have seen children go over and they're just very angry and they angrily right on the family meeting. Their challenge. And then they walk away satisfied. Because they know it will be dealt with. So, One of the things that I want to ask you is how many of you have ever had friends or a teacher tell you how well behaved your child is and what a delightful person they are to have around? And you wonder, who are you talking about? 

My child. And this is such a good sign of good parenting because when your child is well behaved outside of the home. It really indicates to me that they have the opportunity to feel safe, to test in with you. And they because the children didn't feel safe, that they could test, that they always had to behave well or else they would be scolded or punished. That is not healthy. 

They need to experience tools from you that help them learn with dignity and respect. So be aware again of what you are modeling for your child. And it doesn't make sense to model anger and have your own temper tantrums in response to your child's temper tantrums. 

In the next lesson, you will be learning what to do when your child is crying easily.