08（英）What to do when your child delays doing his or her homework

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Hello, Himalayasubscribers. This is Mary Nelson.And today we're going to be talking about what to do when your child delays doing his or her homework. You find that they're procrastinating or refusing to do it. And this often creates a power struggle. This is one of the most popular and common challenges of parents all over the world. I haven't met one parent that doesn't struggle with homework challenges with your children. And so before we get started on some of the different tools that you can use to invite cooperation and a motivation from your children, the first thing that you need to do is check in with yourself and observe for a week what your child is doing,what are the habits? What's the environment? How are they responding?

How are you responding to them either doingit or not doing it? Is it good enough? Are you adding a lot of feedback, which they might receive as criticism, which would be extremely discouraging and doesn't motivate them to want to do homework or to do it in front of you orwith you? So it's also important tosee the environment and the space that they're in. And if there's lots of distractions, is the TV on? Is the brother on a mobile or an iPhone?Is the dog or pet distracting them?

Are you on your mobile phone in the same common area when they're trying to concentrate and do their homework? Where arethe distractions? What are the distractions? And notice how they are respondingto them. After you have checked in and taken a little bit of inventory on the environment and the schedule and the attitude that's created either from you or from your child while doing homework or wanting them to do homework. Then we can start by using our first tool, which is connection. We always say connection before correction, because if the connection is not with your child, if the relationship is not there, then the tools will not work.

So I invite parents to check in and see where they're at with their child. What is the relationship? How much time are they spending with their child? Does their child hear the message of love and support getting through? Or does that child hear criticism and threats and a lot of fighting and resistance from their parents, maybe some judgment, some negative energy, and kids feed on that. We all do. We're all human beings. So what energy are you bringing to the relationship? Are they feeling like it's never good enough? Like they um, can't please you uh, so notice what you are doing to create that environment and what you are adding to the relationship. Is it helpful? Or is it often times hurtful?

I also know that when parents are using tools or techniques to motivate their child in a discouraging way. It's because they truly believe it's helpful and they think that may be criticizing them, are labelling them as lazy, or threatening that they'll never make it through high school or college with these kinds of steady habits. Why do they have tobe so unmotivated? Why can't they be more like Johnny in school? Or why can't they be more like their brother, who has exceptional steady habits?

These comparisons and criticisms will definitely not motivate your child to do better. So we're gonna teach encouraging tools that will help your child to have the love for learning and the motivation and cooperation to follow through with homework when you have checked in with the connection and where your relationship is with them, then you can start by using another tool of curiosity questions. The curiosity questions that I’m going to give examples of are our conversational curiosity questions. And so you might start by saying, what are your biggest challenges? What are the most difficult aspects of doing homework?

And then really listen to what your childhas to say, maybe even take notes without responding. And even once they share,you could then ask another question. How does that make you feel? Then they feel validated. They feel heard, and when they know that you're not going to lecture them or try to fix the problem or defended or blame, then they feel encouraged and heard. You could also ask what are some other challenges? What are some other difficulties? And they might say, well, it's too much homework or it takes too long,or I just don't like math.

If it's too much homework, you could say,are there any ideas or solutions to solve that challenge? If they say no, mom,dad, this is just the way it is. It's this teacher. She just likes to give a lot of homework, and it's just part of being in her class. Well, then you validate his feelings. I know how hard that is and how discouraging that must be.And then you can add encouragement by saying, I also know how capable you are.And when you set your mind to something, I know that you can complete a task,or maybe when we set up a different environment space schedule that will help you feel more encouraged or motivated to do your homework.

So then you could ask the question of how do you feel about the environment that you're learning in that you're studyingin? Does it feel chaotic? Does it feel distracting? Does it feel what you feel isolated? And once you get those answers, then you could say, well, what ideas do you have to create a better, more supportive environment in space for learning? I have created the space in our kitchen. We have a big counter top are a where the boys will sit quietly and do their homework. There's no screens on. I'm not on my screens. I am either paying bills or washing dishes. But I am quietly available if they need me.

And if they even just feel discouraged, all does validate their feelings. And see, I know this is hard. I know you don't wanna do it, and we have another thirty minutes. Let's knock it out. And thenwe can have fun after. And that can also be part of the agreements of what you're gonna do after they finish homework. We're going to get into agreementsin just a few minutes.

Another curiosity question that you could say is, what about me as a parent? How do you feel about how I’ve supported you to do your homework? Do you find it helpful? Do you find it discouraging or unhelpful and really listen without being defensive to what they say, then you could share. And this is part of creating that connection, that you are learning new positive disciplinetools and you want to empower them instead of having power struggles and fighting with them and feeling like you're nagging them and lecturing them and blaming them andthreatening them.

So after you've asked some of those curiosity questions, you could then follow up and with another curiosity question, say, well, when would be the best time of day? And you can evaluate your schedule and the sports and the extra curricular activities that you have and the chores that are required from them in the home or eating dinner, playtime, shower time that time and say during that time, when would be a good time for you to do your homework? Just asking that question helps them feel validated and heard and empowered in the decision making process.

When children have the power to use those decision making tools, then you're gonna give them the power to use it in a constructive way versus an unusefuland unhelpful way and a really discouraging way. So after you have created the time, you could then ask thequestion of what environment, what space, where would you like to do your homework? Where would you feel comfortable and not distracted? And it can be set up in a space that feels like in like a library, think about when you were studying in school and university and how motivated you fell and how supported you felt just by being in a space where everybody was also doingtheir work.

So hopefully you can create a time that the family can do their work together. So parents can pay bills or do dishes or maybe read a book. But regardless the child feels that you're there for them if you need them. And there and you're also working on on learning as well or doing something productive versus being on your mobile phone. After you have created the environment, this is where the agreements are gonna start happening. You say, okay, we've come up with a time, we've come up with a place.

And now I want to let you know that I will be available during that time, but not after. So it's up to you to utilize that time and my time. And then if they don't utilize that time, or they wait to the last minute, you can still be kind and firm, which is a tool. And you could acknowledge them by saying; I know you really need my help. And I have moved on to the other part of my schedule.I will be available tomorrow between three and four. If you'd like to use myhelp then, if they're upset with you or have big feelings, you just validate those feelings. I know you're frustrated. I know you're mad, and let them have the ability to feel thosefeelings, to have disappointment, to build up that resiliency, and to learn from the natural consequences of their actions, the cause and effect.

And when you are are kind and firm and you follow through with the agreements that you come up with in advance, they will respect you. They will respect your time, they will respect to their time. And they will know that what you say you mean and that you're going to follow through. This is not easy for parents. Trust me. And if you wanna build credibility, this is the best way to do it. Say what you mean, mean what you say and follow through. One of the expressions that I’ve heard my mom say thatI just love about follow through is the tongue in the shoe.

It's louder than the tongue in the mouth. So if they have big feelings,that's okay. They're building up their disappointment muscles. To review the tools that we talked about today, you wanna start with creating the connection or checking in with the connection that you have with your child, making sure that the message of love gets through and that they know that your relationship with them is more importantthan their grades. Once your child really feels that, then the environment and all the results after are gonna be more helpful and more encouraging.

Then you want to ask curiosity questions. And when you are hearing, you know, frustration are sad or bad emotions, then you just validate those feelings. You either relate with them, or just repeat back what they say or analyze what they say and make a guess. They feel really mad. They feel really angry.And then you want to create the routine,the schedule with your child. And this is part of the agreements that you're making.

And then also part of those agreements that you're making in advance is the environment, and then setting up thatenvironment, supporting that environment, following through with what you say you're gonna do to contribute to that environment. And I hope that you find these tools helpful. I will look forward to speaking with you again soon about what to do when your child moves around too much and doesn't listen carefully to his orher teacher. 

Until next time, take care.