16. Indulge in mobile games

Hello, I’m Lawrence Cohen. Welcome to my Ximalaya audio course, which will make you more relaxed in parenting. One thing that makes it hard for parents to relax is when children are obsessed with games or videos on the phone or computer.

For example, the father of an 8-year-old boy is worried that his son indulges too much in mobile games. The boy always thinks about them and refuses to go outside for physical exercise. He even spends less time in studying. The father tried making a deal with him about the amount of time he could spend on games, but the boy could not keep that deal and there were many conflicts. Finally the father forbid the boy from playing at all, but then discovered he often went to his friend’s home and played mobile games there. Now the father isn’t sure what to do.

This is a very big issue. The problem is so new that we adults don’t understand it very well. We didn’t have constant access to these types of games when we were young. I don’t have a simple answer to how much gaming is too much, or what types of games are best for children. Each family has to decide that for themselves. I can give you five steps you can follow to deal with this issue most effectively. 

Step 1: This step is the hardest, but it is also the most important. You have to look closely at your own phone and computer use. If you use them too much, you have to cut back. I use my phone and computer way too much. Do you? Spend a week keeping track of exactly how much time you spend on electronic devices, and what you do during that time. You may be surprised by what you discover. Can you set aside time each day when no one in the family uses them? That might be dinnertime, or the hour before bedtime. Can you set aside a longer time each week that is electronics-free for everyone? A whole day, or at least half a day? It’s very hard to do. Can you set aside a week every year for the family to be completely off of these devices, to break the habit? It is obvious that parents can’t successfully lecture their children about mobile games if parents are not willing to unplug themselves.

Step 2. The second step is to increase your empathy for your child. You have already begun to experience empathy if you looked fearlessly at your own phone and computer use, and made a commitment to cut down. Now extend that empathy, and understand why your child has a hard time turning off the game or video when the time is up. It’s not your child’s fault. It is not easy for most people, adults or children, to turn it off.

Why is it so hard for children to turn off these machines? Because the companies that make these games and videos work very hard, and spend millions of RMB, to make it hard. The companies have figured out ways to make users—especially children—driven to move on to the next level, or watch just one more video.

An important element of empathy is listening. Usually we lecture our children about all the reasons that excessive mobile gaming or excessive video watching is unhealthy, or we scold them for neglecting their school work and other constructive activities. There is no listening when we lecture. Therefore, before you offer your strong opinions, ask children to explain to you what they love about their favorite games and videos. Ask them what benefit they derive from playing and watching. Listen carefully. You may change your mind—at least a little—about thinking these activities are harmful or wasteful. At the least, you will learn more about your child, and that is always a valuable building block of connection.

Step 3 is to recognize that children actually need more than empathy, they need your help turning off the devices. Don’t just shout demands at them from far away, or scold them for failing. Walk over to the child who has trouble turning off the game, and admire his ability and enthusiasm. Then express your understanding of how fun it is for him, and have him show you his expertise. You can do all that in about one minute—it isn’t a lengthy thing, but it does make a strong connection.

After that, say to your child, “It’s hard to turn it off,isn’t it? I’ll help you. It’s time to turn it off now.” Then gently and slowly turn it off for him if he can’t turn it off himself. There may well be a tantrum. That’s normal, and it is OK, it isn’t bad behavior. It is simply due to the fact that the game was important to your child and now you have taken it away.

Just as children need help turning off the machines, they need help honoring their agreements. Your child is sincere when he agrees to play the games or watch videos only a certain amount of time each day. He intends to keep that promise. But when the time comes, the game or video is irresistible. You need to gently help children keep these agreements, not just be angry and disappointed when they cannot. Remember that children cannot legally enter a contract. That is because they lack the judgment and the life experience. We can’t make children hurry up and become capable of such agreements. Their difficulty is not a failing, it is a biological fact of brain development.

Experiments are a good alternative to agreements. Agreements are likely to fail, creating more anger and frustration. But experiments never fail; they just provide interesting results. In terms of mobile games and videos, you can set up an experiment where for one week the child can do as much as he wants, and at the end you see the results in terms of impact on studying, exercise, mood, and family harmony. For the second week, the experiment is limited use, and you judge the results again. Your child must be a partner in devising and evaluating these experiments, which is very different from simply making demands on your child. Especially when children are so likely to resist those demands. Your child can argue with you, but he can’t argue so much with the clear results of an experiment.

Step 4 is connection: Don’t just lecture your child to study or exercise instead of playing mobile games. Exercise together—you probably could benefit from exercise too! Sit quietly with your child during some of his study time, without nagging or correcting, to show you are interested in him, not just in his grades. Only a personal connection can compete with the pull of mobile games and videos.

Play is a great way to build this connection. One good type of play to break the grip of games and videos is to act out the stories  together. You can engage in the dialogue or actions based on the games, or you can make it more elaborate and build sets and put together costumes. That’s a great way to help children get unhooked from the machines without anger or resentment. Encourage your child to draw pictures of the characters and make up new scenarios. This type of play makes use of the child’s keen interest, instead of fighting against it. Even more important, this type of play draws the child back into the physical world, out of the virtual world of gaming and computers. Children need to use their whole bodies, not just twitch their thumbs.

Because phones and computers exert an irresistible pull on children, you can play games that include the element of an irresistible pull. For example, in a funny exaggerated way you can hold your phone in front of you and say, “Oh no, my son, help me, my phone is trying to make me play one more game. I need to stop but I can’t stop, it’s pulling my fingers onto the screen!” Your goal of course is not to make fun of the child, but to get him laughing. Through the laughter he can see the reality of the way games and videos pull us, and that can give him more strength to resist.

In order to implement these four steps, it helps to recognize that there is a limit to how much we can control our children’s lives. In the example that started this episode, the child began to play video games at his friend’s house, because the games were forbidden at home. This shows why forbidding usually fails. You can’t keep your children locked up in their rooms every minute. You have to allow them some independence. Otherwise your child will live in a bubble and not be able to exist in the real world. You have to find the balance that works for you. Perhaps you allow children to play these games at friends’ houses, but you talk to the other family. You let them know that your child has a hard time enjoying other activities, and if possible could they try to encourage the boys to play other games.

Even though you can’t completely control your children, you can have a strong influence on them based on the four steps we have discussed: Don’t forbid it completely, but guide your child to use moderation. Be a role model by using your own phone in moderation as well. Have some empathy for your child’s overwhelming desire to play mobile games and watch videos. They are very appealing. Don’t just shout and lecture, but instead walk over and gently help your children turn the machines off, because they may need your help to take that step. Replace the problem activity with increased connection time with you. Play together, whether it is a quiet game, a wild roughhousing game, or best of all—act out the stories from their favorite games or videos.

We have talked about tackling this difficult problem of mobile games and videos by using empathy, connection, experiments, and play. I want to emphasize again the first and most important step: Put away your phone to set a good example. Take a deep look at your own usage of electronics and media. Do you exercise less, spend less time with friends, and sacrifice other parts of your life because of your obsession? Make some of your own experiments, and find alternative activities that bring you joy. 

That’s all for today. Please leave a message to me if you have any questions. I hope this episode has given you some new tools and insights to help the child who is obsessed with mobile games or videos. I look forward to being with you next time.