17. Should I stop my son from biting his fingers

Hello, I’m Lawrence Cohen. Welcome to my Ximalaya audio course, which will make you more relaxed in parenting. Many children have troublesome habits that can be quite challenging to break. We will take a close look at two such habits, biting fingernails and holding tightly to a special cloth or toy.

We’ll start with a child who is overly attached to an object of comfort. A mother asks, “My elder kid, almost three years old, has a special hobby --- she hugs and licks coral velvet cloth. She holds it sleeping, sits beside it, even licks it while eating meals. She looks for it and licks it first thing back home, and especially when ignored by adults while crying. I tried everything: persuading, threatening and cajoling. She occasionally stops, but continues later. She often says, "Leave me alone on the bed, you go to eat." If I pack it up, she might cry and scream for a month. What can I do?”

This is a challenging situation. First, let me explain the reason that some children get so attached to objects such as this velvet cloth. In child development, these are called transitional objects because they are a transition between having you as the source of all comfort, and having an internal sense of safety and security. Do you have a sense inside of you of your mother’s love, or your grandmother’s love? Does this love give you a sense of comfort in hard times? That is an example of how a parent’s care is taken in by the child and becomes an inner experience of security. The child then carries the parent’s love within them. That security allows the child to cope with life independently. The transitional object is like a stepping-stone in the middle of a stream that is too wide to cross in one step.

The sequence from mother-love, to transitional object, to an internal sense of security, is a natural and healthy process. Usually the need for the transitional object fades away gradually by age four or five. Sometimes, however, the attachment to the object becomes too intense. When this happens, the child has trouble with the final step, which is creating an internal representation of comfort and safety.

The little girl in this question hugs and licks the velvet because it meets her very basic need for contact. However, the child has become fixated on that object to the point where it is her only source of comfort. The security remains located in the object, instead of being a step towards internalizing that sense of security within herself,. That’s why at times the object seems more important to her than playing or even eating.

As this mom discovered, the problem can never be solved by persuasion, threats, or taking the object away.  Then the child is left with no comfort at all, and no way to finish the process of creating an internal sense of security. In fact, these methods usually make the need for the object even stronger. Child become flooded with overwhelming feelings of loss when they can’t have it. They don’t just “get over” this loss. It can create a lasting sense of insecurity.

Mom reports that the girl is especially attached to her velvet when her cries are ignored by adults. That makes sense when we think of the object as a transition to inner security. When children cry, they need comfort. If they don’t get that comfort from adults, they have to find a way to create that comfort for themselves. In this case, the velvet serves as that source of comfort, because it reminds the girl of cozy close times with her mother. Adults may ignore her when she is sad, but the velvet is always there. You need to be the one who is “always there.”

So what do you do? First, don’t ignore her when she needs your affection and attention. Load her up—fill her cup—with lots of extra cuddles, hugs, and play times. Hold her when she cries. Let her play baby, where she gets to rock in your arms and pretend to be a baby. Surprisingly, this helps children grow up and be more mature.

To use play to help with this habit, wait for a time when the child is relaxed and happy, but is holding on to the object. Gently take the edge of it and pretend to pull it away. Don’t pull hard enough to grab it away, just hard enough so she knows you are pulling on it. Give her a big smile to let her know this is a game, you are not really grabbing away her source of comfort.  

Usually there are a lot of giggles in this game, as you pull gently and the child pulls the object back to herself a bit more forcefully. Pretend to be surprised that it pulled out of your hand, and repeat the game. Keep it lighthearted and not focused on actually getting her to give up the cloth.

Sometimes this game can open up a deeper level of emotion, and the child’s laughter will suddenly turns to tears. This is actually a positive thing, because it gives you the chance to offer the comfort she had been getting before from the cloth. That is when you shift to emotional understanding. Just keep your hand lightly on the velvet, and gently say, “I know this coral velvet gives you a lot of comfort. I’m glad you have it. I want you to be able to always know inside that you are safe. Soon you will have that deep sense of safety and love on the inside, whether you are holding this cloth or not.” You offer your loving attention and listen to her tears.

This is very different from the crying a child does when you hide away the precious object. The tears she sheds when you are holding the velvet gently while she clutches it are different—these tears release the tension she has about wishing for more comfort. She needs to finish the job of shifting from the object’s representation of your love, to carrying it inside of her. Lots of play and emotional understanding help with this completion.

Let’s turn now to a different type of habit, biting fingers and fingernails. A worried mom wrote to me: “My 3-year-old boy has been biting his fingers for more than half a year. At first, I didn’t say anything in order not to make him focus on it. But he still did it so much that both of his thumbs and forefingers were torn and bleeding. I tried a hand-clapping game with him while singing “why are you so naughty?” This game worked a little. But later I saw from a video in the kindergarten that he stood to the side biting his fingers, while the other children danced. He used to love dancing very much! The teacher urged him several times to join the group, but in vain. I can’t understand his behavior. What can I do now to stop him from biting his fingers?”

Finger and nail biting is quite a different type of habit from clutching a transitional object. It is a nervous habit, a child’sway to manage anxiety.  Other examples are pulling or twirling one’s hair, chewing on a shirt, fidgeting, or washing one’s hands over and over. Some children with these kinds of habits don’t appear nervous or anxious. That’s because the habit is successfully keeping those feelings away—for the time being. The action is never entirely successful at keeping the feelings away, however,and that’s why it becomes a habit.

Some children with nervous habits do appear anxious,like the boy in this question who avoids the dancing and stands alone to the side. By biting his nails he may be trying—unconsciously—to avoid bursting into tears because he feels separate from the group. The finger biting keeps the big feelings of loneliness and fear away—to some degree.

As we saw with the clutched piece of cloth, it doesn’t work to use coercion or demands to stop finger biting and other nervous habits. This mother was right not to call too much attention to it. It’s important not to shame a child for nervous habits, because they already feel bad inside. But the habit didn’t fade away, and now the mother needs to address the anxiety that lies underneath the behavior. Under the surface of habits like finger biting is usually a sense of insecurity, anxiety, or fear. We would like our children to eliminate these feelings, but we can’t do that by pressuring them to stop the habit. We might force the habit to stop, but we haven’t stopped the deeper feelings. A new habit or other emotional problem is likely to emerge in its place.

The boy’s mother tried a hand-clapping game, which is a lovely idea for helping him associate his hands with something pleasurable. But she sang a song about him being naughty for biting his fingers, and this is a problem. It is not a naughty behavior. Even though she forbid it and he did it anyway, it is still not a naughty behavior. Even if he agreed never to do it again, and then went back to the habit, it is still not naughty. That’s because nervous habits are an emotional issue, not a moral issue. They aren’t doing anything wrong, they are simply compelled from within to engage in this habit.

No threat, reward, or shaming is big enough to overcome this behavior, because emotions reside deep inside of us. Don’t say, “What’s wrong with you, don’t you know how bad your fingers look, don’t you see how unhealthy it is, look at what you did to your fingers!” These words fill a child with shame, and that does not help anyone change a habit. If it did, no one would have any bad habits!

So what do we do? Like the child who is overly attached to a cloth or toy, we offer extra love and support, more play times with us, more empathy and understanding, less pressure, and no scolding. That attitude will increase the child’s inner sense of security so the child does not have to live under the weight of anxiety. This is not a fast or simple solution. Don’t rush it.

There is a technique I suggest, which is not exactly a game, but it has elements of play in it. You say to your child, “I have a friend who has a son who bites his fingers. She isn’t sure what to do to help him. I know you have thought about this a lot. Do you have any ideas for him?” This lets your child be the expert, a type of role-reversal, and often children will come up with interesting ideas that will benefit themselves. Other times they say the exact words advising an imaginary friend that you used with your child. By sharing the advice as the expert, your child takes those ideas in more deeply and can use them more effectively.

When a habit starts suddenly, as with this boy who bites his fingers, we need to ask ourselves—and ask the child—if anything happened that was stressful or traumatic. Since this boy’s finger biting is combined with pulling back from favorite activities at the kindergarten, it maybe that something happened at school that disturbed or alarmed him.

For habits involving either comfort or nervousness, we need to increase our emotional understanding of the child, and put aside our worries and frustrations that the habit is hard to break. If you have any habits like this, like I do, you know that shame and pressure don’t help. Love is the answer. Love helps children build a solid foundation of security and confidence.

That’s all for today. Please leave a message for me if you have any questions. I hope this episode has given you some new tools and insights into finger biting, clutching special objects and other habits. I look forward to being with you next time.