14. My child always asks to buy things

14. What do I do when my child always asks to buy things?

Hello, I’m Lawrence Cohen.Welcome to my Ximalaya audio course, which will make you more relaxed in parenting.

What can you do when your child always asks to buy things?

The mother of a five year old told me she was frustrated that every time her son goes out with her, he asks to buy something. If she doesn’t agree, he will be very unhappy. If she does buy him something, she worries that she will spoil him. Her frustration is especially strong because she doesn’t see other children make this type of demand.

First of all, I have to disagree with this mother, when she says that other children are not demanding, like her child. I think she doesn’t notice how common it is, because other children’s demands don’t give her the same emotional reaction as her child’s demands. If she would ask other parents, she would learn that many children demand to buy something every time they go out, and are very upset when the answer is no. So her son is not unusual, and the mother’s dilemma is also not unusual. Every time she asks herself：Do I dare to risk upsetting my child? Or is there a bigger risk of spoiling my child? No wonder she has a hard time deciding what to do?

Let’s start with the question of spoiling. A treat for a child now and then does not create a spoiled child, as long as it is bought out of love. As I said in episode 1, on tantrums, you can’t spoil a child by meeting a basic need, like food or love. But it is a problem when you can't stand for your child to cry. It is a problem when you give in to children only because you are desperate for them not to cry or be upset. "Here, here, I'll buy you anything, just don't cry." Spoiling can happen when you go against your own deep values of what you believe is right, just in order to have your children stop an emotion that you can’t bear.

Now let’s look at the risk of upsetting your child by saying no. It’s natural for anyone of any age to be upset when they want something and can’t have it. As adults, we usually don’t have temper tantrums about this unfulfilled desire. But many children do, and it’s normal. Can you trust that it is okay for a child to cry because they want something and they can’t have it? That is a very good reason to cry. Children never need to be punished or scolded for crying or having a tantrum. All they need is to beheld, while you speak to them gently, offering them empathy as they recover their emotional balance.

So you probably wonder, do you say yes or no? I can’t answer that for you, but I can give you some guidelines that will help you decide.

First, develop a policy that works for your family. It may be that you buy something special once a week, or only on special occasions. It may be that the child gets a certain amount of money each week, and can decide how to spend that money. It may be that you will buy things that you believe in, such as books, but not things you don’t believe are healthy for children, such as sweet treats. It may be that you always say yes, as long as the purchase is inexpensive. These are all just examples, your policies must come from your own deepest values.

Second, stick to your policy. Don’t break the policy just because your child cries or becomes angry, or because you are in a negative mood. Another factor to consider is whether you will eventually give in and say yes after a lot of whining or negotiating. This lets children have emotional power over you—all they need to do is threaten to cry to get what they demand. If that is the case, you may as well say yes right away, and avoid all that unpleasant interaction. Over time, you should periodically reflect on your policy, and update it if it doesn’t seem to be working well.

Third, even with a clear policy, you still have to use your fresh thinking in each instance. Look within and reflect on your choice. Are you saying yes just because it is easier? If so, stick to your no. Are you saying no out of a habit of saying no, or because you are in a bad mood? If so, consider saying yes.

Playful Parenting is based on close connections, so it is important to build connection whether you say yes or no. If you say yes, don’t say, "Here, fine, take it. You wore me down and you are always so obnoxious, go ahead." That's not going to build connections even though the child gets what he wants.

If you say no, you can still build connection. Don't say, "No, of course you can't have it.What do you want that for? Stop asking for things. What’s wrong with you?" That breaks connection. To build connection even when you say no,try saying, "You really want it, I understand. It looks so wonderful. I can see why you want that. I'm so sorry that I have to say no this time. You really want it." And then listen to whatever your child feels after you say no. That's the way no can build connections as well as yes.

Play and empathy are two great ways to build connection, especially if you decide to say no. Here is a game idea: Before your children have a chance to ask you to buy something for them, you jump in first and say, "I want this, I want that!" You point to ridiculous things you would never buy, and you demand your child to get it for you. "I want that, I want two of those!" Your child will be the one who says, “Don’t be silly Mommy,” or "No, you can't have that. It won't fit in our house." Or maybe your child will say, "Yes, yes, you can have everything," because they're acting out the role of the “perfect” fantasy mommy for a few minutes. Either way, this game is a fun way to release the tension for both of you about all this wanting and demanding.

Another way to use play to solve this problem is to say yes to your child’s demand in fantasy, while saying no in reality. Here’s how it works: In a silly voice you say, “You want that toy and that toy and that toy! Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we lived in a palace and we could buy every toy in every store and fill up every room in our palace? How many rooms should we have in our palace?” Most children will happily join in to the fantasy game and forget their original demand. Instead of a treat or toy, they have connected with you playfully, and that is much better.

In addition to the play, don’t forget to offer your child as much empathy as you can. With your love and support they can handle it better when you say no.

To look a little closer at empathy, let’s assume that you have a good reason not to buy what the child wants. I am going to divide what happens next into four scenes.

The first scene is where you say no. To do this with empathy, you use a gentle voice, filled with understanding that your child really wishes you would say yes. Parents often punish or scold children for asking for things. That’s not necessary. Saying no to the treat or toy is enough, you don’t have to scold or punish the child as well.

In scene two, after you say no, the child increases the wanting. “Please, please, please.” Most parents find this annoying. “I already said no, stop asking!” But you can be empathetic with the wanting. “You wish I had said yes. You really want it.”Empathy doesn’t mean buying it. Buying it and accepting that the child wants it are two completely different things.

Scene three is when the fireworks start. Your child has an angry tantrum or collapses into a puddle of tears, right in the middle of the store. Empathy means that you continue your loving support and listening even when they are expressing such extreme emotions. You stay nearby, letting them know that you are not going to change your mind, but also you are not going to leave them alone with overwhelming feelings. I have seen many parents threaten to leave their child in the store alone during a tantrum. How scary that is for a child! I think the parents are embarrassed about other people seeing their child screaming on the floor. But your embarrassment is not as important as the warmth and love your children need from you at these moments. This is an advanced form of emotional understanding that you can give your children.

In the last scene, scene four, your child is no longer screaming or crying, but she refuses to return the toy or treat to the shelf. She holds it tightly in her hand. Most parents grab it, or resort to a serious threat. But that just teaches children to grab and to threaten in order to get their way. That’s not what you want from them. I like to use a gentler approach. Even though it is gentle, it is very powerful, and it helps children develop an inner ability to handle frustrations. You simply place your hand gently on the toy, without grabbing it. Using a calm and loving voice you say, “It’s hard to want something and not be able to take it home. I’ll help you put it back.” Then you wait patiently, not rushing the child to return it, but not letting go of the toy. Some children will slowly return the object to the shelf. Others will burst into tears, and at that point you switch to comforting and offering loving empathy for the sadness. If they just hold onto it tightly, stay calm and loving. Soon they will see that you are not going to punish them or yell, but you also aren’t going to leave the store with the object. That’s the point where they learn to handle frustration.

If you are in a rush, you won’t be able to offer all of this empathy, and that’s okay. Do as much as you can. Try it the next time this conflict happens in the store.

Thank you for listening. I hope you learned some helpful insights and techniques for helping the child who always wants to buy things. I look forward to being with you next time.