25（英）Why does my child argue with me?

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【音频英文稿】

你好，Himilaya listeners.

This is Dr. JaneNelsen with more Positive Discipline tools to share with you. Today I will bediscussing a topic that I think every parent can relate to: Why does my childargue with me? It seems that for every sentence I say, my child has 10sentences to oppose me. Why doesn't my child just obey?

You may not liketo hear this, but obedience is not the best thing to teach your child intoday's world. Obedience is good for soldiers and menial jobs, but for jobsthat require more creativity, and for successful relationships (such as inmarriage) children need different skills.

Remember thelist of Characteristics and Life Skills list that we created in one of ourearliest lessons. Please go back and review that list again as a reminder ofthe characteristics and life skills you want for your children.

Even though obedience is not on that list,and is not the best thing for children to learn, it is important that theylearn self-discipline and cooperation and other skills to develop theCharacteristics and Life skills that will help them become successful in theirwork careers and in the relationships in the future, and more pleasant to bearound today.

I think another reminder also needed atthis point. Even Positive Discipline tools help you and your children be morepleasant, your children will never be perfect--and neither will you. Rememberthat mistakes help us learn and grow.

Now Iwill discuss why your children may not "just obey"? Are you making demands of you children instead of taking time fortraining and engaging them in focusing on solutions? As you learned when weshared the Positive Discipline tool of Curiosity questions, we learned that childrenare usually rebellious when they hear commands. They are usually much morecooperative when asked, "What is your plan for doing your homework?”instead of "Do your homework now."

And, do you try to "correct" yourchild's behavior without making a connection first.  Remember the Positive Discipline tool of"Connection before Correction." Connection might be to simplyvalidate your child's feelings before making a request. In other words, youmight say, "I know that playing video games is more fun than doinghomework, and it is time to do your homework." This could be followed by alimited choice: "Do you want to stop playing video games in two minutes orfour minutes?" Another example of Connection before Correction might be tosay, "I love you and the answer is "No". And, of course,scheduling regular special time is a great way to create a connection even whena correction isn't needed. Special Time creates a foundation of connection.

Thenthere is my favorite Positive Discipline tool: Family Meetings. Nothing works better to help children learn to give and to receivecompliments and to focus on solutions. When children are involved in findingsolutions to challenges (such as when to do homework), they have ownership inthe decisions and are much more willing to "cooperate."

Now let’s talk about theissue of listening. Listening is the primaryingredient of communication, not lecturing, and it is the least developedskill. When parents and teachers ask, "Why won't children listen tome?" we ask, "Do you model what listening is all about? In otherwords, do you listen first?"

Many parents complain that their children don’t listen;yet few parents really listen to their children. Many parents tend to do thefollowing:

They React and Correct: Don’t talk to me that way. Why can’t you be more positive, grateful, or respectful? You shouldn’t feel that way. Why can’t you be different—more like your brother or sister?

Some parents Fix or Rescue: Maybe if you would do this ____, then____.  (For example: Maybe if you would be friendlier, then you would have more friends.) Rescuing might sound like: I’ll talk to your teacher (or your friend’s mother). Don’t feel bad.

So much has beenwritten and said about listening that you would think most parents would knowhow to do it, but they don't. Simply put, listening is difficult because issueskeep getting in the way and parents REACT. Some parents take everything theyhear personally; they want to defend their positions, explain, correct,retaliate, or tell a better story--even to their children. Parents often keepthinking that talking is the best way to teach-even when they don't like itwhen others talk too much to them without listening.

Let me share some Tools forBetter Listening. Many of them include Positive Discipline tools you havealready heard, but you may not have thought about how they are related to listening.

Again, Validate feelings: I can see this is very upsetting for you. Sounds like you are really sad, mad, feeling hurt.

Again, Ask Curiosity Questions:  What happened? Want to talk about it?

Invite Deeper Sharing: Anything else? Is there more? Anything else? Anything  else? Asking, "Anything else?" several times often invites children to dig even deeper into feelings that were not even aware of.

Listen with your Lips Closed:  Hmmmm. 

Have Faith in Your Child: Know that, in most cases, your child simply needs a supportive, listening ear as part of the process of venting before coming up with his or her solution. Through this process your child learns resiliency (“I can deal with the ups and downs of life.") and capability ("I can survive getting upset and figure out solutions.").

Even More SophisticatedListening

There are many levels of listening. Whenparents complain that toddlers don’t listen, that isn’t exactly true. First ofall, parents really mean, “This child doesn’t obey,” or, “This child knowsbetter.” They are right about the former (toddlers and preschoolers seldomobey) but wrong about the latter (children under the age of six do not “knowbetter” at the level parents expect.) They may “know” the family rules at aprimitive level, but not at a sophisticated level that requires the kind ofmorality and judgment and responsibility that does not develop until closer tothe age of eight. Thus, too many children are being scolded, and even punished,for not having a level of development to be capable of the demands that areexpected of them.

Learning is a Developmental Process

How long does it take for a child to learn to talk, and how dothey learn? This question is very easy for parents to answer. They know thattheir children will not learn to talk for at least a year, and that the waythey learn is hearing their parents talk with them—the more the better. Then,on that happy day when their child finally says her first word, parents don’tstart punishing them for not speaking in sentences—or speaking at a college level.Yet these same parents punish their preschoolers for “not listening,” for “notsharing,” for “writing on walls” with crayons parents left around where theirexploring, experimenting children can find them. It is very important tounderstand child development, brain development, and age appropriate behavior.

Listening Even Deeper

At an even deeper level, many parents don’t listen between thelines to the belief behind the behavior. (Perhaps your child is feeling“dethroned” by the birth of a new baby). Do you listen to hear if your childis feeling powerless or discouraged? Do you listen from an understanding ofdevelopmentally age-appropriateness or brain development (as discussed above).

Example is the best teacher. Learn to be a better listener andsomeday, when all their developmental growing catches up, so will yourchildren.

Remember that thingsoften get worse before they get better so that you won't become discouraged.Children are used to getting certain responses from adults. When we change ourresponses, they will probably exaggerate their behavior (get worse) in theireffort to get us to respond like we usually do. I call this the kick the sodamachine effect. When we put money in the soda machine and a soda doesn't comeout, we kick and pound to try and get it to do what it is supposed to do.

Although misbehavior might get worse when PositiveDiscipline skills are first used, because children are testing to see if wewill continue to be respectful, or if we will go back to our old ways. Misbehaviorbecomes less intense when Positive Discipline is used consistently.

When we use kindness AND firmness with dignity andrespect, children soon learn that their misbehavior does not get the punitiveresults they are used to, and they are motivated to change their behavior, withtheir self-esteem in tact. Once we realize this, going through the times whenbehavior gets worse for a short period is not as bad as the constant hassles ofpower struggles when we use our old controlling approaches.

Now for the final tool for this session.

Have compassionfor yourself when you make mistakes—and learn from them. I have been learningfrom mistakes for over 30 years since I first wrote Positive Discipline.Even though I still make many mistakes, I love these Positive Disciplineprinciples and tools because they are wonderful guidelines to help me get backon track every time I get lost. 

Before I learnedto have compassion for myself, I was very hard on myself every time I didn’tpractice what I preach. I would cry on my husband’s shoulder, "How can I travelaround telling other parents and teachers how to be more effective withchildren when I don’t always do it myself?" He gently asked if I followedthe principles more often than I didn’t. I would say, "Of course." Hewould say, "Well then . . ." I would have to laugh and remember whatDreikurs said about having the courage to be imperfect. Having compassion foryourself means remembering these concepts and continuing to love yourself andlove life. With a loving attitude, things will always get better.

The Three Rs of Recovery frommistakes is one way to get back on course.

Recognize your mistake with a feeling of responsibility instead of blame.

Reconcile by apologizing.

Resolve the problem by working together on a respectful solution.

It is so gratifying to hear parents say, "Mychildren are still not perfect, and neither am I, but we sure do enjoy oneanother more." These principles do not guarantee perfection—just a wholelot more love and joy along the way.

We have now cometo the end of our Positive Discipline Tools lessons. We hope you will listenagain and again. We can promise that you will hear more each time you listen, andyou will understand more. Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs in theworld, and you need all the support you can get.