12（英）What to do if your child lacks confidence

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本课程是中英双语授课，您可以点击“专辑--节目”选择中文或英文课程进行收听，英文课程由玛丽·尼尔森本人讲述，对应中文内容是由中国的正面管教导师甄颖完成。谢谢您的订阅，希望您能有所收获。

【音频英文稿】

Hello, Ximalaya subscribers. This is Mary Nelsen. And today we're gonna be talking about what to do if your childlacks confidence. I know as a mother of 3 boys, that one of the top life skills and characteristics that I hope that they develop is to be confident and tohave a healthy self esteem. I know that as a woman, there is nothing more attractive than a confident human being, And it helps attract employers and colleagues and friends and relationships and of course, their overall happinessfor life. We want them to be happy and to enjoy life, and to do that with a healthy confidence and self esteem can make life much easier because they areare building the resilience to know that they can survive not only the ups inlife but also the downs. And we know that there are many downs in life. And to be confident and know that you're gonna push through and you have perseverance and a good attitude and an optimistic in mind. Then you're going to become confident and you're going to enjoy life more. And when you hit the struggles you can push through. So I’m going to talk about a few different steps that you can build your child's confidence. And within those steps, I will highlight some of the different positive discipline tools. Well, as you hear me say inalmost every single lesson, it's all about the connection.

So step number one is to really love your child. And I know that this seems obvious, but it'sprobably the most important thing you can give your child. So even if you do itimperfectly, who doesn't? Always do plenty of love, create that relationship,spend lots of special time with your child, listening to them, encouraging them,asking questions, validating their feelings, and really letting them know that you're on their side and they really hear the message of love that getsthrough.

Another thing thatyou can do to help create your child's confidence for them would be to encourage them with a little bit of praise. And I know that we have talked about in another episode encouragement versus praise, and we say at the end, a little bit of praise is okay -- it’s like candy, we don't want to overdo it, we don't want our child to get addicted. But I know even as an adult, I like a little bit of praise and so do your children. So when they are putting in the effort in trying new things and are either succeeding or struggling, really let them know that you are proud of their effort, you see how hard they're trying, and then you could highlight some of the different deeds or skills that they'repracticing as far as if they don't give up, or they're really patient, or at least they're keeping a good attitude. And for the encouragement, it is alsobeing able to help them when they don't do well, and to notice when they do.  Well and say: “how does that make you feel?You worked so hard, you never gave up. How does it feel now that you've reached your goal”.  This can be really helpful to a child, that can really help create their self esteem. Because what they realizeis that even if they don't necessarily succeed, they aren't being penalized or shamed or blamed or lectured about their failures. They are encouraged by saying “you made a mistake or it didn't work out the way you planned. And Ihave faith in you to work it out. I have faith in you that you're gonna survive this disappointment, that you're going to get through it, and you're gonna be better because of it.”

And so another step to add to that would be to model this. You model this encouragement to yourself, model positive self-talk, and to let your child hear, you never giving up and not talking to yourself with discouraging words or saying things that are negative, but keeping your head up and your good attitude, this can also be very helpful. Modelling is the best teacher for your children. So you practice and model confidence. They will learn it by curiously through you.

Another step is to teach resilience. No one succeeds at everything all the time. We all know that there's gonna be setbacks and failures, criticism and pain, and it's those hurdles and those hard lessons that are gonna be the biggest opportunities and the best experiences for them to really experience that struggle, to experience that disappointment and to know that they can survive. And that they're gonna try again. And that it's ok. That also highlights a little bit of when we talked about the growth mind set: when your children are wired to believe that failing is not necessarily failure, but just an opportunity try again, or try harder. They're not afraid to take chances or risks and to try new opportunities. That is the growth mindset, because they're not afraid to fail. And and that is teaching the resilience. And it also makesme think of the disappointment muscles. You hear us talk about “Parents should not do anything for their children that the children can do for themselves.” So for example, your child is going to start learning resilience as early as sometimes 18 months or even earlier.Like if something is dropped in the floor and they pick it up for you, or when they start to get dressed by themselves, or learn to tie their shoe and help tomake a peanut butter and jelly sandwich -- This is something that they cancreate on something they can contribute to. And when they have that ability and that opportunity to contribute, that helps them to build that self reliance.

Another thing thatyou can do would be to install independence and adventure. So self confident children are willing to try the new things, like we talked about in that growth mind set, they're not afraid of failure. So with younger children, you might want to be more supportive on the sidelines, but to put them in different situations where they can hear your encouragement, hear you cheering them on,knowing that there's that you're supporting them, but when they are in a particular team sport or playing an instrument, they are incharge that they have ownership of whatever that hobby or activity is, they hear you cheering from the sidelines. But they know that they have the independence and the encouragement from you. You might also want to provide them with opportunities to explore new adventures. And that could be anything from going to a different park or having them try something new at a mealtime.Obviously, we want to introduce them to as many hobbies as we can, possibly avacations or any kind of invitations to hang out with other friends and family.Because then they also get to create that independence and develop a little bit of their personalities outside of mom and dad. And this wil lhelp them when putting them in those new situations. This is gonna help them build their independence and their sense of adventure and overall their selfconfidence.

So as we talked about in our previous lesson about your child not possibly wanting to participate ina particular sport or activity and what to do about that. One of the othersteps for you to help your child build confidence is to encourage them to dosports or any other physical activity. We have learned through research that part of being happy and healthy is with being outside with creating endorphins,adrenalin, dopamine and serotonin and all of those feel good chemicals that areproduced in our brain when we are moving, when we are active. So if it's not going to be a sport, that's okay, we can get them involved in something else that might be active and that could be dancing or martial arts, biking, hiking,just get their bodies moving. This is gonna help them create that sense of confidence. And what would be an add on would be to have them set a goal withwhatever particular activity they decide to do. So if it's a hike, how far do they want to go? What is their distance? If it's dance, what is their dance goal? If it's piano, what is their piano goal? And how are they gonna get there? When you meet your goals, that creates confidence. And supporting themas parents is really helpful and encouraging. It's also important as a parent. Another tip, her step is to support their pursuit of a passion. So we all like different things. As parents, it's our job to help your child discover with those different interests or passions might be. So if it's not particularly interesting to you, this is where you get to take one for the team, as we say  for a fun little saying. But you take one forthe team as a parent, and even though you don't love it, you support your child because they love it, and you support their passion, which is going to help build their self confidence.

Another important step is to build the confidence in the relationship with your child's coach. So when your child feels like they can trust their coach and they’re supported by their coach and they feel encouraged by their coach, then that's gonna really help them to feel confident. And if you get in a situation get a coach that is not particularly encouraging, then we have to remember it's not our job as parents to run in and rescue or fix that particular challenge or situation, but to really guide and coach our children for how to handle it. And you can do that first with just listening and validating their feelings, asking some curiosity questions to get more inside their world, and then to possibly role play with them and to know that this isjust the beginning. And this isn't something that you even need to necessarily say to them. But we know as adults these challenges that they have, these setbacks that they have with another team or with a particular coach. This is opportunity for them to start practicing those communication skills and being problem solvers. How do they get through it without mom and dad? You know, rescuing them or fixing the situation. This overall is gonna really help to create the confidence and know that again, they can survive through the ups and downs of life. Whether it's in something extreme that you're going to have your child do to help build their confidence with a sportor activity or something as small as contribution in the home and participating in their daily activities, these are all opportunities for your children to create that confidence.

And I think really important to mention that there's never any shame or blame. I know that oftentimes I run into parents that think that it's going to motivate their child tolecture them. Or to say:” How come you can't learn? Or why do we have to keepgoing through this?” or “Why don't you just listen to me, it would have been somuch easier.” But part of that failure or struggle is what builds that selfreliance which is going to intern build that confidence. So you just encouragethem, encourage them mistakes and all for their efforts and the fact that they're out there trying. And you're gonna support them and guide them into finding something that they're passionate about.

So I really again enjoy speaking to every single one of you. I just love that his parents, we are wanting to help our children to be confident and learning the skills and the tools to help them learn that my hat is off to you. I really appreciate it. AndI know that you're changing your child's life and your life in your relationship with them. So keep it up. And until our next lesson, remember, there's no suchthing as a perfect parent. And this is about practice and progress, not perfection.

So our next lesson we're gonna be talking about what to do when your child plays with his or hercell phone all day. Oh, my goodness, this is a problem all over the world! Iknow that this is something we are really struggling within the US, and I've seen it and heard about it first hand all over china. So stay tuned until ournext lesson. Until then have a great day. And it is always my pleasure to share these tools and my experience. Take care, bye bye.