第18章06. Mr Rocheste

　　That night I only slept a little， dreaming of the red room at Gateshead．The moonlight shone into my bedroom，as it did then，and I saw a vision on the ceiling，a white figure looking down on me．It seemed to whisper to my spirit，'Daughter，leave now before you are tempted to stay．'
　　'Mother，I will，'I answered．And when I woke up，although it was still dark outside，I wrapped up some spare clothes in a parcel，and put a little money in a purse．As I crept downstairs，I could hear Mr Rochester in his room，walking up and down and sighing．I could find heaven in this room if I wanted．I just had to enter and say，'I will love you and live with you through life until death！'My hand moved towards the handle．But I stopped myself，and went miserably downstairs and out of the house．
　　Setting out on the road，I could not help thinking of Mr Rochester's despair when he found himself abandoned．I hated myself for wounding him，and for perhaps driving him to a life of wickedness，or even death．I wanted desperately to be with him，to comfort him，but somehow I made myself keep walking，and when a coach passed，I arranged to travel on it as far as my money would pay for．Inside the coach I cried the bitterest tears of my life．

那一夜我睡得很少。我梦到了盖茨赫德的红房子。月光照进我的卧室——当时也确实有月光，我看到天花板上有一个白色影子正向下看着我。它好像对我的灵魂悄声说：“女儿，现在就离开，免得你又受诱惑留下来。”
　　“妈妈，我会的。”我答道。我醒来时，虽然外面天还黑着，还是将几件换洗衣服放进包裹，然后在钱包里装了点儿钱。我蹑手蹑脚下楼时，听到罗切斯特先生在他房间里，一边来回踱步，一边叹息不已。如果我愿意，我就可以在那间屋里找到天堂。我只消进去说：“我将爱你，和你一起生活到生命的终结。”我的手向门把移去，但我阻止了自己，痛苦地走下楼梯，走出了房子。
　　上路后，我忍不住要想罗切斯特先生发现自己被抛弃后该是多么绝望。我恨自己伤害了他，或许又让他去过邪恶的生活甚至死去。我渴望和他在一起，安慰他，但不知怎么我还是逼着自己向前走。马车路过时，我打算让自己走到旅费所能负担的最远的地方。马车内，我流下了一生中最伤心的泪。