第18章01. Mr Rocheste

18 Mr Rochester's explanation
　　Sometime in the afternoon I recovered a little，but I felt faint as I stood up，and realized I had not eaten anything all day．So I opened my bedroom door and almost fell over Mr Rochester，who was sitting in a chair just outside．
　　'I've been waiting for you all this time，Jane，'he said．'And I haven't heard you scream or shout or cry．Aren't you angry with me？I never meant to hurt you．Will you ever forgive me？'
　　He sounded so sincere that I forgave him at once in my heart．
　　'Scold me，Jane！Tell me how wicked I am！'he said．
　　'Sir，I can't．I feel tired and weak．I want some water．'
　　He took me in his arms and carried me downstairs to the library，where he put me in front of the fire，and gave me a glass of wine．I began to feel better．He bent to kiss me，but I turned my face determinedly away．
　　'What！'he cried．'You refuse to kiss me！Because I'm Bertha Mason's husband？Is that it？
　　'Yes，sir．'
　　'I know you very well，Jane．I know how firm you are when you've decided something．You're planning to destroy my hope of happiness．You intend to be a stranger to me from now on．And if I'm friendly towards you in future，you'll remind yourself，“That man nearly made me his mistress—I must be ice-cold to him，”and ice-cold is what you'll be．'
　　'It's true，sir，'I said，trying to stop my voice from trembling，'that everything around me has changed，so I must change too．Adele must have a new governess．'
　　'Oh，Adele will go to boarding school．I've already decided that．And you and I will both leave this house，this narrow stone hell，this house of living death．We can never be happy here，under the same roof as that woman．Oh，I hate her！'
　　'You shouldn't hate her，sir，'I said．'It's not her fault she's mad，poor thing．'
　　'Jane，my darling，it's not because she's mad that I hate her．If you were mad，I wouldn't hate you．I'd look after you lovingly But why talk of madness？We are all ready to travel，everything is packed．Tomorrow we'll leave．I have a place to go to，where nobody will find us or talk about us—'
　　'And take Adele with you，sir，she'll be a companion for you，'I interrupted．I knew I had to tell him soon．
　　'Adele？What do you mean，Jane？She's going to school．I don't want her，I want you with me．Do you understand？'
　　I did，but I slowly shook my head．He was becoming angry，and was staring fiercely at me．He looked as if he was about to lose control．I was not at all afraid，because I knew I still had the power to calm him．So I took his hand and stroked it，saying，
　　'Sit down，sir，I'll talk or listen to you as long as you like．'I had been struggling with tears for some time and now I let them flow freely．It was a great relief．

18 罗切斯特先生的解释
　　下午不知什么时候，我感觉好些了，但站起来时仍感到头晕，我这才意识到我已一整天没吃一点儿东西了。于是我打开卧室的房门，几乎扑倒在就坐在门外椅子上的罗切斯特先生身上。
　　“简，我一直在等着你。”他说，“我没听到你叫喊或是哭泣。你不生我的气吗？我本无意伤害你。你能原谅我吗？”
　　他说得那么真诚，我立刻就在心里原谅了他。
　　“简，骂我吧！告诉我我有多么坏！”他说。
　　“先生，我不能。我感到很累、很虚。我想喝点水。”
　　他双手将我抱起，将我抱到楼下的书房，把我放在炉火前，递上了一杯酒，我开始感到好些了。他俯身要吻我，但我断然把脸扭开了。
　　“怎么！”他喊道，“你拒绝吻我！因为我是伯莎•梅森的丈夫？是不是？”
　　“是的，先生。”
　　“简，我非常了解你。我知道如果你决心已下，你是不会动摇的。你打算毁掉我幸福的希望，你想从今往后和我成为陌路人。如果今后我对你友好，你会提醒自己：'这个人差点儿让我成了他的情妇——我必须对他冷若冰霜。'你的确会变得冷若冰霜的。”
　　“是这样，先生，”我说，努力控制住自己的声音不让它发抖。“我周围的一切的确都发生了变化，所以我也必须改变。阿黛拉必须有位新老师。”
　　“啊，阿黛拉去上寄宿学校，我已经决定了。你和我将离开这幢房子，这狭小的石头地狱，这活死人的宅邸。在这里和那个女人在同一屋檐下，我们永远不会幸福。噢，我恨她！”
　　“先生，你不该恨她。”我说，“她疯了，可怜兮兮的，这并不是她的错。”
　　“简，亲爱的，我不是因为她疯而恨她。如果你疯了，我不会恨你，我会满怀爱心地照顾你。可是，为什么要说什么疯不疯的？我们已做好出发的准备，所有行李都整理好了，我们明天离开。我有一个地方可去，那儿没人找得到我们，也没人议论我们……”
　　“先生，带上阿黛拉吧，她会陪伴你。”我打断他。我知道我必须马上告诉他了。
　　“阿黛拉？简，你是什么意思？她要上学。我不需要她，我想和你在一起。你明白吗？”
　　我明白，但我慢慢摇了摇头。他变得生气了，两眼狠狠地盯着我，他看上去好像快控制不住自己了。我一点儿不害怕，因为我知道我还有力量让他平静下来。于是我握住他的手，轻轻抚摸着，说：
　　“先生，坐下，只要你愿意，我可以一直跟你说话，听你讲话。”我一直努力抑制着眼泪，现在我随它流淌，心里非常轻松了。