20（英）Lying and the root cause for a child to lie

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Hello, Ximalaya’s subscribers. This is Mary Nelsen.And today we're going to be talking about lying and the root cause for a childto lie. I know as a mother of three boys, I have personally experienced my ownchildren that lie. And I know as an adult, I lie as a child and I’ve even liedas an adult. And so why do we lie? Why do we stretch the truth? Or why do wenot tell the complete truth? I think the number one reason is to protect ourself from any kind of blame or humiliation. And for children, I think they liebecause they want to protect themselves from being punished. And also whenchildren are really young, they like to story tell, is what I called it andstretched the truth because they might be looking for attention or extraapproval. So there might be several reasons for why children lie.

AndI’m going to talk about several different suggestions you can take as a parentto help your child and understanding why they lie and understanding yourselfand the situation and what to do when your child does lie.

Sothe first suggestion I would like to make is to stop asking the setup questionsthat will invite your child to lie. A setup question is one that you alreadyknow the answer to. So when you ask your child, did you clean their room andyou know that they didn't clean their room. You're setting your child up to liebecause they don't want to get in trouble. They don't wanna experience theconsequences of not following through on whatever agreement they came up with,or the time they agreed to. And they don't want to hear a lecture or they don'twant to hear you scold them or punish them. So they might have their firstresponse be to lie. And we really want our children to be honest. So don't askquestions you already know the answer to. It's a set up.

Anothersuggestion would be to say, I notice that what you said might not have been thewhole truth, or it sounded more like a fabrication. And that sounds like areally good story. You have such a good imagination. Tell me more about that.So if you know your child's lying, ask yourself, is it really important toaccuse them of lying or to call them a liar, or is it just your role as aparent to understand that this might be their way of seeking your attention andfabricating their story, opening up their little imaginations, and then youcould say how much of that was you story telling. I really appreciated thatstory. And then you might say in a later conversation, if it's aboutstorytelling or really are stretching the truth, helping your child to identifywhat is using their imagination and storytelling, and what may be alsotranslated or interpreted as a lie, and it's important for them to know thedifference.

Anothersuggestion is to be honest with yourself and say, that doesn't sound like thetruth to me. Most of us don't tell the truth when we're feeling trapped orscared or threatened. And in some way, we want to protect ourselves, or that'sour defense.

So our immediate defense is to lie and we want our children to knowthat it's safe to tell us the truth that they can always tell us the truth, andthat they won't be shamed or blamed, and that you're going to help them focuson the chance to learn from their mistakes or the choices that they made. Andto have that trust and that safe position to support them and guide them isgoing to encourage your children to come to you.

I want you to think about some of the different adults in your lifeor friends that you have, and the ones that you can be open and honest with andreally share the truth with them. Because you know that they're not going tojudge you, and you know that they're not going to criticize you. And thisencourages you to be yourself, to be honest and to be authentic. And my friendsalso know that I’m not going to lecture them. I'm gonna support them. I'm goingto encourage them. And that's gonna help them, to be honest with me and maybehonest with themselves. In future situations, children and all human beingsneed to know that it's okay to be imperfect, and you're not going to be shamedor scolded when you make mistakes.

Soanother suggestion is to deal with the problem. So suppose your child tells youshe hasn't eaten, and you know that she has, instead of saying, well, why areyou still hungry?

If you've already eaten, why would you have been asking for moresnacks? Maybe that means you didn't finish all your food. Or maybe you're notbeing honest about eating. Maybe you didn't eat if you're still hungry. Soinstead of scolding them and inviting them to feel defensive and having toexplain either that they didn't eat enough or that they ate too much ofwhatever it may be, work with him in dealing with the solution for how tohandle their hunger. How do we solve the problem?

Because children may have a reason for not eating all of their foodor for wanting to skip whatever meal you prepared for them. And it's okay toreally explore why it is without again having them feel guilty or having themwanting to lie. The end paragraph, i'm gonna go ahead and start when childrenknow that they can come to you with the whole truth, and that you're going tosupport them without blaming them or shaming them, but instead simply learningfrom their choices or their mistakes and helping them to focus on solutions andall of the different areas that they did learn. How do they grow?

We're all evolving as human beings. And we need to know that as wego through life, that we can turn to our parents, that we can count on ourparents to support us and guide us and know that many choices and experiencesthat we have are actual teachable, teachable moments, opportunities to learn.

Butit's okay to encourage them, just to be honest with you and to tell you thetruth that they're not gonna be in trouble. That's I think the biggest thing isthat we want your children to know that they're not gonna be in trouble whenthey tell you the truth. I often tell my children, as long as you're honestwith me, that will be the first step for you, and for me to solve a problem, Iwill never shame you or criticize you. We will only focus on solutions. And Iwill remind you that you're a human being. And we'll work through it. We're inthis together. You have my support.

Andanother suggestion is that when your child is lying or storytelling and you seethat it doesn't have a real relevance to the actual fact or fiction of it all.I sometimes will just ignore it because I find this often with toddlers and Ithink what they're doing is looking for the reaction that you give them. And I’mreally careful to not use the word lie. I don't want them to have me accusethem of lying or to feel defensive about lying. So I see. Are you story-telling?Are you telling the truth?

So I see storytelling. Are youtelling the truth? I don't know. This doesn't sound like the truth. So ratherthan saying, are you lying, I'll even refrain it by saying, are you telling thetruth? And that feels less threatening to them in less critical. And it's alsoimportant to respect your child's privacy when they don't want to share with.You don't need to, they don't need to be forced to lie. You really just buildthat relationship with them, build that trust with them, and let them havetheir privacy. And when they know that they can count on you and they can cometo you with the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and you're gonna bethere to support them and not judge them and not criticize them, but instead toreally validate that they're human. And they made mistakes and how it must makethem feel. And you're gonna ask them questions about what they can dodifferently next time. And you're gonna focus on solutions and they're gonnaknow that you're on your side.

Guess what? Your children willstart being more honest with you. This is, I think, the case for all humanbeings. Remember, I'm a therapist and my clients are completely truthful,because they know that there's no judgment. There's no criticism. There'snothing but support and nothing but guidance on how to help them feel better,do better, and to learn from their mistakes. Imagine if your children had thatsame kind of support. Wouldn't that be amazing? So also remember to a modelbeing truthful yourself, I find that many parents will often tell little whitelies and their children will say, but you lied.

An example of this would be whenmy son was just two years old. There was a ride at an amusement park calledlego land. And he wasn't tall enough to go on it. Well, he was tall enough forseveral months, but then they changed the role. In all of a sudden, afterwaiting in a long line, he wasn't tall enough. And so we left the line reallydiscouraged. And we found out that it wasn't a matter of how tall was, but howold he was. And so when we went back the  third time, a second time, they said, well,how old are you? Because he was tall enough, but you had to be h four.

And so when they ask them, youknow, how old are you? He had been prompted to say he was four. Okay, can youeliminate all of the legal and story? I'm going to just go ahead and close itabout lying. Ok. So we want to build that relationship in that trust with ourchildren. And of course we're gonna do that by offering positive disciplinetools. So when you are challenged or threatened by your child lying, remember,IT's all about the connection. And we don't want your children to know thatthey're gonna be punished if they're truthful, if they're honest, if they knowthat you're focusing on solutions and that they can learn from their mistakesbecause they're human being and they're not gonna be criticized or put down orlectured.

Then that's going to invite yourchildren. To be more honest with you. I really enjoy every lesson in everyopportunity that I have to teach you positive supplement to us. I really wantto appreciate every one of you for tuning in for how to be a better parent.There is no such thing as a perfect parent. And all we can do is just reallyfind acceptance and be gentle with ourselves and know that these tools thatwe're learning are about practice in progress and not perfection.

So enjoy using these tools withyour child. That may lie. And I really look forward to speaking to you againsoon. And the next lesson we're gonna talk about making friends, and what doyou do when your child has trouble interacting with people in public? How doyou what kind of positive spin tools to use for that? So until then enjoy therest of your day. IT's such a pleasure speaking wITh you. And I look forward tonext time, take care bye bye.