04（英）I won't take you out anymore

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本课程是中英双语授课，您可以点击“专辑--节目”选择中文或英文课程进行收听，英文课程由简·尼尔森本人讲述，对应中文内容是由中国的正面管教导师甄颖完成。谢谢您的订阅，希望您能有所收获。

【音频英文稿】

Ni hao! Himalaya listener, this is Doctor JaneNelsen. In lesson 3, you learned how important it is to understand that thereis a belief behind every behavior. In this lesson, you will learn how childrencreate their beliefs about themselves, their beliefs about others, and theirbeliefs about what they think they need to do in the future to find belongingand significance or to compensate when they don't believe they have enoughbelonging and significance. Many of their beliefs are formed based on how youparent your children, for example, if you use parenting tools that areencouraging, their beliefs will be encouraging.

Ifyou use parenting tools that are discouraging, their beliefs will bediscouraging. All punishment is discouraging. All positive discipline tools areencouraging. In our positive discipline classes and workshops, we doexperiential activities where parents role play children so they can get intotheir world to experience what their children are thinking, what they arefeeling and what they are deciding in response to the parenting tools theirparents use. In a few minutes, I will ask you to role play a child to understandhow this works. But first I want to explain why I will ask what you werethinking, what you were feeling and what you were deciding while being in therole of a child.

AlfredAdler taught that thoughts have no meaning, except the meaning we give them. Thismeans that when we have an experience, we have some thoughts about it. Thosethoughts create a feeling based on our thoughts and feelings. We decide what weare going to do. The decision about what to do is based on what we think weneed to do to find belonging and significance or to compensate for not feelingbelonging and significance. The way children compensate when they don't feelbelonging and significance is called misbehavior.

Thatis why it is so important to use parenting tools that are encouraging and thathelp children feel belonging and significance. So they don't choose misbehavioras a mistaken way to find belonging and significance. In positive discipline weoften ask, where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to help childrendo better. First, we have to make them feel worse. It is a crazy idea becauseit doesn't make sense. Brain science has taught us that children don't dobetter when they feel worse, even when they seemed to do better when punished,the cost is too great to their sense of self-worth and creativity.

Thisis why a popular positive discipline quote is children do better when they feelbetter, encouraging parenting tools and by children to feel good and to decideto do good most of the time. I think he will understand what I just explainedby participating in one of my favorite experiential activities. It is called askingversus telling or curiosity questions motivational. Many parents complain thattheir children don't listen. After participating in this activity, you mayunderstand why. Before you participate in this activity, it will be helpful ifyou find the characteristics or qualities and life skills list that youcreated, and the list of challenges that you created.

Youwill be asked to refer to these as part of the activity. So now pretend you'rea child. You can choose the age you want to be, between four or ten years ofage. I will make several statements and want you to notice what you arethinking, what you are feeling and what you are deciding to do as you listen tothese statements. Go brush your teeth, don't forget your coat. Do your schoolwork. Stop fighting with your friend, put your dishes in the dishwasher, hurryup and get dressed, or you'll be late for school.

Stopwhining and complaining. Clean up your mess. In the role of a child, when youheard these statements, what were you thinking, feeling and deciding to do?Were you feeling respected or disrespected? Were you feeling discouraged orencouraged? What were you deciding to do? If you could look at the characteristicsor qualities and life skills list of things that you hope your child willdevelop? Were you developing any of these as a result of these statements orare you feeling like with driedor misbehaving  in some way?

Youmay even be thinking of doing some of the things that are on the challengeslist you created. Now I’m going to make some different statements. Again,pretend you're a child and notice what you are thinking, feeling and decidingto do as you listen. Notice if what you are thinking and feeling and decidingis different from when you listen to the other statements. What do you need todo? So your teeth will feel squeaky clean. What are you taking? So you won't becold outside.

Whatis your plan for doing your homework? How can you and your friends solve thisproblem? What was our agreement about what to do with our dishes when we arefinished eating? What do you need to do about getting dressed  so you won't be late? How can we communicatemore respectfully? What is your responsibility when you create a mess. In therole of a child,  when you heard thesestatements, what were you thinking, feeling and deciding to do? Were youfeeling respected or disrespected?

Wereyou feeling discouraged or encouraged? What were you deciding to do when youlook at the characteristics and qualities and life skills list of the thingsyou hope your child will learn? Were you learning any of these as a result ofthese statements? My guess is that you will find many that you were learning. Iwant to explain the physiology of what happens when children hear demands andwhat happens when they hear respectful questions. When we hear demands? If weare paying attention, we will notice that we feel disrespected.

Ourbodies get a little stiff, and the message that goes to our brains is resist.On the other hand, when someone respectfully f a question, we feel respected, our bodies relax.And the message that goes to our brains is search for an answer. This resultsin a desire to feel like cooperating and to be more responsible. It isimportant to note that children are not consciously aware of what they arethinking, feeling and deciding. In fact, if you ask them, they would probablysay, I don't know.

Thisis why it is helpful for parents to be aware of the thinking, feelings, anddecisions that are being created at a subconscious level. Because thesethoughts, feelings, and decisions are creating your child's blueprint forliving. It is also important to know that there are many times when simplyasking questions is not effective. This is why we need many different positivediscipline parenting tools. The questions I just asked are called motivationalcuriosity questions, because sometimes just hearing the question is enough toinvite a child to feel respected and capable and to motivate them to thinkabout what needs to be done and to feel like cooperating.

Sometimesit is more effective to use conversational curiosity questions that invitechildren to respond in thoughtful ways and to focus on solutions. I will sharesome examples of curiosity questions conversational. Pretend you're a child andnotice what you would be thinking; feeling and deciding when you hear thesequestions and are given time to answer.What happened, what do you think causedit to happen? How do you feel about it? What ideas do you have to solve thisproblem? Do you need my help? You'll notice that the feeling behind what yousay and your tone of voice is as important as what you say.

Curiosityquestion should not be stated like scripts. When you understand the Adlerian principlesbehind these questions and you add your heart and your wisdom, you will beinspired with the appropriate questions that will create a connection beforecorrection. This will be respectful and encouraging and will invite yourchildren to feel belonging and significance. They will feel loved andresponsible and their behavior will change.  By now, I’m sure you have noticed thatpositive discipline is for you as well as for your children.

Andthat children change their behavior when you learn skills to change yourbehavior. In future lessons, Mary will be sharing several challenging behaviorsthat many parents complain about. And will provide many positive discipline parentingtools that will be encouraging for children to change their behavior when youchange your behavior. 

Byebye.