02. What to do when children hit?

（Following is the extract of the episode.）

Hello, I’m Lawrence Cohen, a psychologist from the USA and the creator of Playful Parenting. Welcome to Episode 2 of my Ximalaya audio course. The topic of today’s episode is: What to do when children hit?

Hitting is one of the most upsetting things our children can do. We feel they need to be confronted immediately, and we may even feel like bad parents. We worry about our children’s ability later in life to manage their emotions or resolve problems peacefully. What if the other mothers won’t let my child play with their children? What if my child turns out to be a bad boy who uses force and violence? If your young child hits, please don’t worry that he will end up as a terrible criminal or a violent person! It takes a long time for children to learn to manage their aggressive impulses and their strong emotions, and they need our support during that process.

Children hit for many different reasons. Here are the four most common reasons: The first is anger. Second is imitation. Third is hitting as a way to resolve conflicts or win an argument. And the fourth reason is as a form of interaction. We can’t react to each hit the same way; we have to understand what it means for the child. Parents need different techniques to deal with different situations.

The first and most common reason for hitting is anger, as we hear in this mother’s question. Aggression is the natural urge that accompanies anger, and young children have not yet learned how to suppress that urge. My recommendation for children who hit in anger is: We start by understanding and accepting the child’s feelings. You can often prevent hitting in anger by validating the child’s anger earlier, before the point of aggression: “I see your younger brother made you very angry. You are hopping mad!” By calmly reflecting their feeling back to them, like a mirror, we show them that they have been heard and understood, and they don’t need to escalate to violence.

The second reason children hit is to imitate adults or older children. They have been hit or they have seen other people getting hit. Children always model themselves on us. This is one of the most important reasons not to ever hit children. Some parents hit children as a punishment for hitting. They think this will teach the child what it feels like to be hit. No, it only teaches children that if you want someone to stop doing something, the right thing to do is hit them.

Some children hit to show us that they were hit by bullies in school. Whenever we see children acting aggressively, it is very important that we look closely to see if they were the victims of aggression first. Above all, if you don’t want your child to hit, don’t hit.

The third reason children use physical force is to solve a problem or win a dispute. Usually this is because a child has not developed the communication skills or social skills to resolve conflicts peacefully.

During play times with friends, you can prevent many conflicts by stepping in before difficulties begin. If the children have been playing happily for a little while, you can be sure a conflict is coming soon. So before it happens, give everyone a hug or a snack, ask them how the games are going and if everyone is having a good time. This can help children from getting too frustrated.

During the heat of a conflict, it always helps if you can remember a few key steps:

1. Try to catch a child before he is aggressive, instead of having to respond after it is too late. That means staying close by, letting him play freely but being there to catch his arm just in time and gently say, “Oh no, we aren’t going to hit. Let’s try using words instead.”  Or, “Let’s take a little break.”

If you miss this moment you can use Step 2: Remain calm instead of responding harshly with shame or punishment. You can be gentle but firm, and lift him out of the area to change the scene and break the tense situation.

Step 3 is to sit down with the child to help him regain emotional balance.

The final and most important step is to listen to your child. They need to be listened to in order to feel safe again and to restore emotional balance.

Games that improve communication are not used in the middle of a conflict, but when things are calm. You start out playing games where your child gets to take the lead and be the boss. He doesn’t get to be the boss in school or with his friends or most of the time at home, so sometimes during play, let him be in charge. This will fill his need to control things and he will learn through play to communicate his needs.

Next, you can play games where there are pretend conflicts. This allows your child to practice resolving conflicts in a safe zone. It also lets him release some of the tension he has built up around conflicts. You might pretend that you and your child are friends who cannot agree on a game, or who have a silly fight about sharing. You exaggerate some of the things you hear children say, in a way that gets your children laughing: “You always get to play with that toy, I want a turn! It’s not fair, I had it first. I have the best idea, we have to play my way!” You can even pretend to hit the toy because it wants to play with your child and not with you. This always gets children giggling, which releases their tension.

The fourth reason: they do it as a way to say hello. They crash into people or hug so hard it hurts. These children think they are being friendly and don’t understand that the other person doesn’t like such an intense greeting. These children need playful practice in saying hello with a high five, a hug, or in words. Be sure that the practice is fun, not too much like teaching a lesson. For example, you can say, “We’re going to practice all the different ways to say hello. let’s start with those high intensity ways to say hello: let’s crash into each other holding giant pillows. Now let’s say hello with high fives...with words of greeting, with a bow...by doing a silly dance.” Don’t worry that some of these ideas are better than others, the way this game works is that playing releases the tension and the child is then able to choose and use better ways to say hello.  

We have seen several different meanings that the same behavior can have in different children. That leads us to one of the fundamental principles of Playful Parenting: Don’t just look at a child’s behavior, but look deeply underneath the surface. The next time you see a child hitting, ask yourself these questions: Underneath the hitting, what is my child feeling, what does my child need? You may not know for sure, but look carefully, watch your child at play, listen to the feelings, and you will have a pretty good understanding of what is driving the behavior. No matter what the hitting means, don’t forget that when children are acting badly they need our love even more than when they are cute and sweet. Children only hurt others when they feel hurt inside.

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