chpt 10 WHAT’S NEXT? - 1

THE TODDLER YEARS
As we will quickly notice, just as we are starting to get used to one stage, the baby changes again and we are left catching up. So as our baby approaches the toddler years (from 1 to 3 years), here are a few things to know about toddlers to make this transition a little easier.


Toddlers develop a strong sense of order. Toddlers start to get quite particular about the way things happen. They like things to be done in the same way every day with the same rhythm. The same order getting dressed; the same routine at bedtime. Perhaps even the same spoon every time they eat. They are not trying to make our life difficult. This is important to them. They like to know where things belong and thrive on having a place for everything and everything in its place. Once we know this, instead of battling them, we can work to give them a sense of order and consistency. Research shows that children who grow up in homes with rituals and routines will be the most adaptable in the long run (that goes against the idea some hold that variety will make them more adaptable).


Toddlers do not share easily. Toddlers are busy with mastery. While babies share things easily, most toddlers are so focused on the task at hand that they don’t like to give anything up until they are finished with it. Knowing this, we can help them by showing them how to take turns. If they are having a hard time waiting for their turn, we can tell them, “It will be available soon.” And, when it is their turn, once they have repeated and repeated until they are finished, another child can have a turn.


Toddlers say “no.” As a young toddler, our once easy and accommodating baby will start to show strong preferences. This is an important stage of their development. As they practice being physically independent from us—maybe they start to say a few words or begin to walk or feed themselves—they are asserting themselves as their own person and beginning to use the word “I.” Once we know this, we will understand why they are saying “no” and not take it personally. And we will try to find ways to work with them to cultivate cooperation together in a respectful way.
Toddlers need freedom. Toddlers need limits. If there are too many rules, a toddler will fight us at every step. And without any rules, they feel lost; they need some boundaries for security, to feel that someone loves them and will keep them safe. Knowing this, we can decide what limits are important to us and set them with kindness and clarity, maintaining connection with our toddler. Instead of using time-outs or bribes, we will be clear with our expectations: “I won’t let you keep hitting me. I’m going over here to calm down, and I’ll be right back when I’m ready to talk.”


Toddlers can master more steps in a sequence and need increasing challenges. If we don’t challenge them, they will challenge us. So we can continue to observe our toddler to see what they are working to master and offer more challenging activities. As they gain mastery, we can also add more steps to add more difficulty, for example, getting an apron first before washing an apple or finding more vases so they can keep arranging flowers.


Toddlers need our help to process a lot of emotions (and yes, they need tantrums too). Toddlers don’t hold in their feelings. They need to get them out, otherwise we’ll find them bubbling up again and again during the day. Our first response is not, “Don’t be silly,” but instead, “Oh. Tell me about it,” or “Really? Come show me how angry you feel on this pillow,” or “Do you wish you could stay at the park and we are leaving now?” Once they’ve calmed down, then we are ready to leave the park or we can help them to make amends if they’ve hurt someone or made a mess. They feel safe to let out everything with us and know that we love them at their worst.


Toddlers want to try to do things for themselves. Our toddler’s cry of “Me do it” is equally exciting (our toddler wants to learn more) and frustrating (things seem to take four times longer than they should when we are in a hurry). We can set up even more parts of our home so they can manage more and more themselves, for example, so they can help set the table, prepare their own snack, clear the table, and maybe even wash the dishes (the last is a favorite at around 2½ years old). We take time to give them as little help as possible and as much as necessary when they are learning to dress and feed themselves, and all throughout the day. And they are so delighted to manage more and more for themselves over time.


Toddlers are enormously capable. They pick things up easily (the absorbent mind continues). They will make more and more connections in the world around them. They take in everything seemingly without effort. They will start to express themselves and start to move with more and more refinement and coordination.


Toddlers go slowly. They need time to master skills. They need time to process what we say (we can count quietly to ten in our heads to give them time before repeating ourselves). And we need to—as much as possible—slow down to their pace. Rather than rushing them every morning to leave the house, we mostly go slowly and reserve rushing for days when we can’t miss the train or we have an important appointment and time has slipped away.


Last, yet most important, toddlers are brilliant. They live in the present moment and are not worried about the past or future. They say exactly what they mean (not trying to be nice or polite), so there’s no guessing what they are trying to tell us. They can already do so much for themselves and want to be part of our daily life. They want to help us cook, sweep the floor (really!), and wash the windows with a spray bottle again and again. They hug us and love us like no other.