chpt 8 PREPARATION OF THE ADULT - 2

PREPARING OURSELVES
We talked about preparing the environment in chapter 4—our homes and our baby’s space. But there is another very significant part of the environment that we also need to prepare: ourselves!


We need to prepare ourselves physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually for this work of guiding our children. The airplane warning to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others is such an apt analogy for parenting.


We have to care for ourselves in order to care for another human. Eating, resting, filling our emotional and spiritual tanks—this is what helps us to stay regulated and objective in dealing with our baby. Parenting, especially in the early days, can be very taxing and draining. Our babies are relying on us for so much, and if we do not make conscious efforts to meet our own needs, we might find ourselves so depleted that we go into survival mode. In this mode, we will be less able to respond positively to our babies. In this mode, our baby’s cry, which once was just a cue, might become a frustration.


We want our baby to have a fulfilled parent, rather than a resentful parent (putting everyone else’s needs first) or a selfish parent (ignoring the needs of others). We need to look after ourselves as well as our baby.


Intellectual preparation
We need to be knowledgable about our child’s development, their needs, and how to support them.


This book is a start. We can continue to build on the knowledge by being open to new research and continuing education (such as podcasts, seminars, and workshops) related to parenting, positive discipline, and other related tools that improve our knowledge of the child and equip us with tools for parenting.


Observations are also a good way to increase our knowledge of our child.


With this comes a caveat though: There are so many options now and it can become overwhelming, so we can be selective and limit our exposure to a few options that resonate with us.


We can also be open to learning opportunities outside of parenting or Montessori. For example, learning to play an instrument, trying a new sport, or reading something that has nothing to do with parenting but fills our soul. Anything we learn and open our heart to is something that we can model for, or share with, our child.


Physical preparation
Caring for a baby involves a lot of energy, both physical and mental. We need to be in good physical condition to be able to optimally care for our babies.


Good nutrition is so important. Every day we can hydrate often and nourish our body with healthy meals, fruits, and vegetables. As we make this conscious effort for our children, but we need to do the same for ourselves. We can set reminders on our phone to make sure we don’t miss a meal. Or we can prepare meals in advance or make sure to have simple ingredients on hand that we can easily throw together.


Exercise. It can be as simple as taking walks with our baby or setting aside time to stretch or work out. This can make all the difference for our well-being and mental health.


We have to care for ourselves in order to care for another human. Eating, resting, filling our emotional and spiritual tanks—this is what helps us to stay regulated and objective in dealing with our baby. Parenting, especially in the early days, can be very taxing and draining. Our babies are relying on us for so much, and if we do not make conscious efforts to meet our own needs, we might find ourselves so depleted that we go into survival mode. In this mode, we will be less able to respond positively to our babies. In this mode, our baby’s cry, which once was just a cue, might become a frustration.


We want our baby to have a fulfilled parent, rather than a resentful parent (putting everyone else’s needs first) or a selfish parent (ignoring the needs of others). We need to look after ourselves as well as our baby.


Intellectual preparation
We need to be knowledgable about our child’s development, their needs, and how to support them.


This book is a start. We can continue to build on the knowledge by being open to new research and continuing education (such as podcasts, seminars, and workshops) related to parenting, positive discipline, and other related tools that improve our knowledge of the child and equip us with tools for parenting.


Observations are also a good way to increase our knowledge of our child.


With this comes a caveat though: There are so many options now and it can become overwhelming, so we can be selective and limit our exposure to a few options that resonate with us.


We can also be open to learning opportunities outside of parenting or Montessori. For example, learning to play an instrument, trying a new sport, or reading something that has nothing to do with parenting but fills our soul. Anything we learn and open our heart to is something that we can model for, or share with, our child.


Physical preparation
Caring for a baby involves a lot of energy, both physical and mental. We need to be in good physical condition to be able to optimally care for our babies.


Good nutrition is so important. Every day we can hydrate often and nourish our body with healthy meals, fruits, and vegetables. As we make this conscious effort for our children, but we need to do the same for ourselves. We can set reminders on our phone to make sure we don’t miss a meal. Or we can prepare meals in advance or make sure to have simple ingredients on hand that we can easily throw together.


Exercise. It can be as simple as taking walks with our baby or setting aside time to stretch or work out. This can make all the difference for our well-being and mental health.


Rest. Get as much rest as we can. Lack of sleep can affect our immune systems and also our brains. We don’t need to feel bad about asking for help or getting a nanny or babysitter to give ourselves a break.


If we are the child’s primary caregiver, we may feel that we have to do everything ourselves or always be there. In the very beginning, it helps to be there as much as possible and form that strong attachment with our baby, but it is okay to take breaks and ask for help as needed. Once the child has formed that strong attachment and has begun trusting the environment, thanks to consistency of care and routines, breaks can be positive for both adult and baby.


Physical care of oneself is so important because it addresses our basic needs. When we are dehydrated, hungry, tired, or sick, it is almost impossible do our best as a parent. Most of the time our brain is in a survival state, so most of our reactions will be freeze, fight, or flee responses. We can monitor ourselves for the following kinds of reactions: feeling overwhelmed, wanting to abandon ship and run away, or anger toward the baby or to the whole situation. If we feel these things, we probably need some time to nurture ourselves physically.


The other advantage to caring for ourselves physically is that we are modeling it for our baby—remember, they absorb everything they see us do.


How do you relax? Find moments to enjoy. (See our list of suggestions on page 220.)


Emotional and spiritual preparation
A support system is so important when parenting. This journey is so much nicer when it is done while walking alongside another person, whether in the form of a partner or co-parent, grandparents, caregivers, or friends.


An extra set of hands is so helpful in the first few months—someone to help make meals, take care of other children, hold the baby, or give the parents a break. (See page 224 for more ways this person can support new parents.) This can be a family member or a friend or, if within our means, a postpartum doula or mother’s helper who brings with them some experience of the needs of mother and new baby and understands how to support the family physically and emotionally. Dr. Montessori and Adelle Costa Gnocchi saw a need for this person and envisioned the Assistant to Infancy—a trained Montessori guide—as one who can serve in this role. (Professional help may not be attainable for all families, though in some countries the government will send a mother’s helper to assist a new parent in the early weeks.)


Other parents with babies around the age of ours or a little older can also help. Talking to friends can remind us that we are not alone and that whatever we might be experiencing is normal or is a phase that will soon pass. Many parenting struggles are transitory, and we need someone who has gone through that stage to remind us of this.


We can take time to appreciate ourselves, count our blessings, and consciously acknowledge and document the things that are going well. One of the things that can lead to an emotional breakdown is not feeling appreciated for our efforts or not feeling loved. Babies are not using words, so after a day of poopy diapers, little sleep, and lots of crying, we can feel emotionally drained and unappreciated. We can be our own cheerleader and take time to pat ourselves on the back for every day. We can get a pedicure, go out with our friends, or find a simple way to take care of ourselves. It is hard work to be responsible for another human. We want that acknowledgment from others, but we can give ourselves the gift of acknowledging it first.


Taking pictures and documenting the stages is helpful. Review some of the pictures at the end of the day, and often; even seemingly insignificant moments can trigger a memory or a smile. Do remember to enjoy the moments though—we don’t need to catch every single one on camera. Also remember to be in some of the pictures, not always behind the camera. Right now we might not feel like being in a photo, but we will look back and cherish these moments.


For those who may be struggling to find the joy in the baby days, there is help available. Postpartum depression is a dark place to be and is experienced by around one in seven mothers (sometimes only after a second or third child). Seek support from a doctor or a health professional we trust.


Self-trust and forgiveness
When we have a baby, there are so many voices telling us what to do and what not to do. Many times they can be conflicting. We believe that parents are gifted with an instinct that they can trust and follow.


We can forgive ourselves when we come up short and know that every one of us has these moments. We learn and grow from our mistakes. And there will be many mistakes—that’s okay.


PREPARATION OF THE ADULT


OUR INTELLECTUAL PREPARATION helps us cultivate trust in our babies: We can trust that they know what they are doing and that they have all that they need. And that they will follow their unique paths and timelines given the best conditions, which we do our best to provide.


OUR PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL PREPARATION allows us to come to the child with a loving attitude. We can accept our baby unconditionally and love them in spite of any flaws, ours or theirs. Love is void of anger, pride, and ego.


OUR SPIRITUAL PREPARATION allows us to adopt a posture of humility. It is this humility that allows us to constantly work on preparing and improving ourselves for the baby. It allows us to see the baby’s potential, to not see them as empty vessels or even as reflections of us or any ideas or aspirations we have for them, but instead as the unique, special beings that they are.


Our own childhood and the way we were parented can affect our parenting. For some of us, we may idolize the way we were raised and often feel like we don’t measure up; for others, we may not like the way we were parented and want to do things differently, but we still often find ourselves repeating the patterns; or for some, the balance is just right. In preparing ourselves to be Montessori parents, it helps to take time to revisit what we liked or did not like about our own childhood. To make peace with it and let go as much as we can, knowing that we are starting our own journey.


Instead of feeling like we are falling short, we can acknowledge our efforts and commit to doing the best we can and let that be enough.


We have talked about observing our babies and the environment, but part of preparing ourselves is observing ourselves. Observing our needs, our feelings, our reactions or responses. Often this happens as reflection. Sitting back at the end of the day and thinking about our needs.


TO OBSERVE


Here are some questions we can use to observe and reflect on ourselves. Remember that this should be a growth tool and not a judgment of self.


Did I drink enough water?


Did I eat?


Did I take a break when I needed it?


How did I react to different events during the day?


How might I have reacted differently?


What drove or triggered my reaction?


Are my tanks full?


What did I do well?


What am I thankful for?