17（英）What to do when you feel like your child is always against you

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Hello, Ximalaya’s subscribers. This is Mary Nelson.I am happy to be here and talking about negativity and what to do when you feellike your child is always against you. As parents, we struggle, the challengesare real. And our children, I think their mission in life is to test theirlimits and to push our buttons. This is part of their development. This is partof their experience. This is part of our experience as parents and looking atwhat feels really negative or disrespectful as an opportunity to model for themand to teach them how to communicate in a way that doesn't feel hurtful ornegative.

Butinstead they can communicate in a way that is respectful and helpful andpositive, and they get more cooperation from you. And you will also get more cooperationfrom them. But the real learning is gonna happen when you feel the mostchallenged. So understanding your child, yourself and the situation is alwaysgoing to be important. And there's many reasons that children talk back andhave disrespectful behaviors or negative attitudes. And sometimes children arejust simply testing their power, especially during those preteen and teenageyears. And then on the other hand, it could also be that they feel that theyhave been treated this respectfully, perhaps by you, or maybe disrespectfullyby the siblings or their teacher.

Andso it's important to know that that's not our opportunity to fight back. That'swhen we get to step inside and realize that what we say and how we respond isactually going to be helpful short term, because you'll get a better reactionfrom them. But it's going to be even more helpful for them long term, becausethat's when they're gonna learn. You're gonna model this for them. And it's notgonna be easy.  When our children test usand push our buttons, especially when they're disrespectful. I know as a parentthat is the most difficult for me to keep my cool, to stay patient and toremember that. Ok, I want so badly to respond to what he said.

Andinstead I know that I either need to stop and take deep breath, count to ten,tell him I am too upset to talk right now. And as soon as I feel calm, I’llcome and find you or if you are calm enough, and in your prefrontal cortex, youcould recognize that when your child disrespects you or says something that ishurtful, that's your opportunity to know that they are hurt or that they mightbe responding to your tone. And what might have felt demanding or disrespectfulto them.

Andso I know that recently when I was in the morning hustle of trying to get outthe door and get all three kids to school on time, I found myself barkingorders, like, did you brush your teeth? Don't forget to grab your coat!  Did you grab your lunch? What about yourshoes? Why aren't your shoes on yet? We have to go, we have less than fiveminutes. You need to put your shoes on. And we need to hustle. And the moredemands that I gave him, the more panic he probably fell and more overwhelmed hefelt and he snapped back at me and he said, would you stop giving me all thesedemands?

Youjust need to stop. And I wanted so badly to say you want me to stop. If I stop,then I would need to stop. If you had planned you know, better or had followedthe routine or the schedule that you created, or if you'd had better timemanagement skills, or don't talk to me that way. I'm gonna be late because ofyou. And believe me, these are all messages in my head. These are all reactionsthat I wanted to say out of defense, because I felt like I was being attacked.

AndI think that's just part of being a human being is. When we feel attacked, wewant to attack back. But as parents, that's where we have to intercept ourfeelings and our immediate reaction, that primal reaction and that mid brainand brain stem of being primitive and wanting to fight back. And instead, weneed to step back, check within and say, you know, what was my tone? Or are youspeaking to me that way because I just spoke to you that way?  That will really get their attention. And whenI asked my son that question said, well, yeah, mom, you're saying all thesethings to do. And all it is making me feel more overwhelmed and I’m starting topanic.

Andthen I feel like you're getting mad at me because we're in such a hurry. Andyou're blaming me because we should have been out the door earlier. And Iwanted to, I didn't wanna hear it anymore. And I realized that he wasabsolutely right. And so because we needed both time, both of us needed time tocalm down. When I picked him up from school later that day, I wanted to, Irecognized him right away and said, I really wanna appreciate you for being sohonest and so mature with being able to express how you are feeling.

Andwhy you reacted the way you did. I thought that took a lot of maturity and alot of courage. And being able to take that responsibility is huge. I can seethat you're really growing up. And I realized my part is that I wasn't helping.I wasn't helping the situation by giving you all these orders, especially asfast as I was and as stressed out as I was, and my tone, I said, what can we donext time in another situation similar or as we all know, probably in the verynear future.

Andhe says, well, what if he just asked me, what can I do to help you? I said, Ilove it. That's exactly what I’ll do. And in the meantime, is there anythingyou can do to help yourself so that we don't have to all feel so rushed and sostressed? Well, as we get out the door, and then he took responsibility, said, I’llmake sure that I get downstairs by seven fifteen. I'll make sure that my lunchis packed the night before. I'll make sure I remember where my shoes are when Itake them off.

Andbecause I was able to connect with him by taking my part, you know, acknowledgingmy part in the negativity in the tone that I was giving. He was then learningfrom me and was more than willing to take responsibility for his part. So youcan see how just that modeling piece can be really, really helpful and a huge opportunityfor your children to learn. And believe me, it's not easy as parents, becausewe're human beings. We do get our buttons pushed. And we definitely want toreact.

Andthat's when we have to step, you know, back and take that minute and also toremember his parents that one of the course, my mom says that I just love is asparents, we expect our children to control their behavior all while we'relosing control of our own. So here I am expecting my son to be respectful to mewith a calm tone, calm, loving tone, helpful tone. But I wasn't speaking to himthat way. And so note to self as parents, what you give is what you are goingto get.

Andso what I would want you to imagine is that you're wearing this big mirroraround your chest like a big mirrored shield, and when you give a smile, youget a smile back. Usually when you way that someone you get away back. And whenyou're giving that positive energy, you're gonna get the positive energy back.So notice as a reflection, when you get sass back from your children or backtalk, then ask yourself, what kind of tone did I just give? One of the reallycommon challenges that come up for parents when they have negative children ordisrespectful children is, they want to use punishment as a way to either stoptheir behavior or else motivate their behavior to be different and what theywant as in the parents.

Allthat you're doing when you use punishment as a way to motivate your child isyou're going to invite them to feel rebellious or revenge or resentful, or theymight just even retreat where they're going to just possibly comply. But feelbad about themselves, give up who they are to please you. And we don't want toinvite that from our children. We want to have them feel encouraged. And we dothat with connection. So punishing your children is not going to motivate themto change. And if it does, it's only gonna be temporary.

Sothe example that I used with gracing was a way to connect with your child. Andthat's taking responsibility for your part and focusing on solutions for whatyou could do differently, so that these types of situations don't happen again,or at least less often. And it's not easy. And I want to encourage you andremind you that it's about progress, not perfection, but when you think aboutpunishment and taking away privileges from your child, that isn't teaching themlong term, that isn't teaching them to be responsible or respectful.

Theymight comply, but they're  not gonna feelrespected. And there are most likely not going to respect you and you're notteaching them the communication. If you're deciding a punishment and takingaway a privilege or criticizing them and putting them down for being sodisrespectful and ungrateful. And whatever names come up for you as a parentthat you might say as a child. And it might just be what you're feeling thatthey're doing. And it's just not gonna help them to change that behavior. Soinstead, think about long term, what you want them to learn.

Andyou do that by modeling. You model the communication; you model the taking ofdeep breath, taking the time out, taking the time of owning your part, yourresponsibility. And one thing I’ve learned with responses from my sons istiming and tone. We want to engage with our children in a time where they'reactually listening and engaged. So if you're trying to speak to your childwhether distracted and doing something else, whether it be homework or music,or watching a show or looking at a mobile device or screen and they can't seeyour eyes.

Theymost likely can't hear you. And many parents mistake this for their childignoring them. So one simple tool that you can use is to just get eye to eyewith your child before you even try to speak with them. And another reallyeffective request or a statement that I’ll make to my child is to say, when youhave a minute, I need to talk to you. And when they hear that, that grabs theirattention. And they say, what what's up mom or what do you want to talk about?

Andit's worked beautifully. So little fun tip that I views that I’ve had foundvery helpful. And now you've got their attention and you're looking eye to eye.And then you could say whatever is that you need to say so that you don't feelignored or disrespected. A lot of it just has to do with the timing. And thenof course, the tone, check in with yourself. If you're, you know, yelling fromacross the way, they're gonna yell back to respond. So when you’re face to faceor eye to eye, your tone doesn't have to be loud.

Andwhen you have their attention and you're feeling connected and that's honoringtheir time too in their space. So  thatopportunity to say when you get a moment, that's really respectful and they'llsay the same to you. Again, that's one of those modeling of a really respectfulcommunication and an opening of a dialogue that they can use with you in thefuture.

Anothercommon challenge that I’ve heard parents describe is when they hear their childsay something to them, and they recognize it's something that they've said totheir child, for example, I had said to my son what part of no do notunderstand.

AndI had said that to a countless amount of times. And I thought maybe because mytone wasn't loud or even if I was looking into his eyes, it felt like he wasrelentless in asking the same question over and over again, which was reallypushing my buttons. And I said it to him. And although it stopped him fromsaying anything else, like the argument was over, I didn't realize howdisrespectful it was to say that until last week, when I was asking him to dosomething.

Andit probably had to do something like, you know, finishing his broccoli ortaking his vitamins. I honestly can't even remember what it was. Somethingtrivial and he said, mom, what part of no do you not understand? And I literallyhad to take steps back. I felt like I got punched in stomach. Like what?! Howcan you say that to me? That is so rude. So rude! Talk about cutting off aconversation where you feel like you have nothing left to say. I felt it. Ifelt exactly what he had been feeling all the times that I had said it.

AndI was able to recognize it immediately and say to him, wow! I did not like howthat sounded. I did not like how that felt. Is that what it sounds like andfeels like to you when I say it? He said, exactly, mom, exactly it does. Itstops a conversation, but it's almost because you say conversations done, eventhough you're not saying it. But when you say what part of no don't youunderstand, that tells me the conversations done. So when you can recognize whatyou are contributing as far as some of the things that you will say, that canbe a huge, huge piece to the connection.

Andwhen children feel connected to you, they're gonna cooperate. And I also wannacheck in with you and find out how much special time are you spending with yourchild. Are you spending at least fifteen minutes a day? Are you connecting withthem? Are you spending time one on one with them where your attitude is totallyengaged? And what it is that they wanna talk about? What it is they want to do?You don't have your phones , you are not distracted and you have good energy.You're bringing that energy. That's the most important part of your day.

You'refilling up their little tank, their love tank, and children need that. And whenchildren feel better, they're gonna do better. When your child feels respected,they're gonna be respectful. And when they have a negative attitude, check inwith them, ask them questions. What's going on? I wanna know more about it. Isense this negativity, and I wanna know what's causing it. What are some ofyour thoughts? What are some of your feelings? Validate those feelings, getinside their world, let them know that what they say matters, and that theyfeel hurt by you and supported by you, even if you don't agree with it, it'snot worth the risk of your relationships, the cost of your relationship.

Andit's not gonna make them motivated to do better what it is that you want themto do. So really get into their world, brainstorm with them from where they'recoming from and help them come up with a plan. And that could be about anything,anything that you may not agree with or anything that they need to work on, oranything that's bringing them with a bad attitude. Focus on solutions. Let themknow that you're on their side. And that will motivate more change than you canbelieve. Thank you again for tuning in. It is always my pleasure to share myexperiences and positive discipline tools with you. They work and remember thatthey work after the connection.

Sowe say connection before correction. So the sum of the tools that we talkedabout today is just taking responsibility and recognizing your part and makingamends when you mess up, counting to ten, taking deep breaths, modeling forthem, lots of different opportunities to model and then focus on solutions wheneveryone is calm, take time to figure out what you'll do differently next time,come up with a plan, spend special time with your children. They need to feelconnected to you, even if they feel resistant at first, because it's not as apart of their daily schedule. Now, make it a part of their schedule.

Letthem know you miss them and you want to spend time with them. And that willalso invite that cooperation. Until next time, remember, this is not an easyjourney. There's no such thing as a perfect parent. I reach out and appreciateevery single one of you that is taking the time to learn these tools and tolearn how to be a better parent. Next week, we're gonna talk about anxiety.What do you do when your child clings to you all the time? I know lots ofchildren that are very clean, and we have tools to help you with that. Ifthat's one of the challenges that you're struggling with, until next time, havea great day. Bye bye.