第21章05. Mr Rivers's

When I discovered that Miss Oliver's father greatly admired the Rivers family，and would have no objection to her marrying a vicar，I decided to try to persuade St John to marry her．I thought he could do more good with Miss Oliver's money in England than as a missionary under the baking sun in the East．
　　My chance came some weeks later，when he visited me one November evening in my little cottage．He noticed a sketch I had been doing of Miss Oliver，and could not take his eyes off it．
　　'I could paint you an exact copy，'I said gently，'if you admit that you would like it．'
　　'She's so beautiful！'he murmured，still looking at it．'I would certainly like to have it．'
　　'She likes you，I'm sure，'I said，greatly daring，'and her father respects you．You ought to marry her．'
　　'It's very pleasant to hear this，'he said，not at all shocked by my honesty．'I shall allow myself fifteen minutes to think about her．'And he actually put his watch on the table，and sat back in his chair，closing his eyes．'Married to the lovely Rosamund Oliver！Let me just imagine it！My heart is full of delight！'And there was silence for a quarter of an hour until he picked up his watch，and put the sketch back on the table．
　　'Temptation has a bitter taste，'he said，shaking his head．'I can't marry her．You see，although I love her so deeply，I know that Rosamund would not make a good wife for a missionary．
　　'But you needn't be a missionary！'I cried．
　　'Indeed I must！It's the great work God has chosen me to do！I shall carry with me into the darkest corners of the world knowledge，peace，freedom，religion，the hope of heaven！That is what I live for，and what I shall die for！'
　　'What about Miss Oliver？'I asked after a moment．'She may be very disappointed if you don't marry her．'
　　'Miss Oliver will forget me in a month，and will probably marry someone who'll make her far happier than I ever could！'
　　'You speak calmly，but I know you're suffering．'
　　'You are original，'he said，looking surprised．He had clearly not imagined that men and women could discuss such deep feelings together．'But believe me，I have overcome this weakness of mine，and become as hard as a rock．My only ambition now is to serve God．'As he picked up his hat before leaving，something on a piece of paper on the table caught his eye．He glanced at me，then tore off a tiny piece very quickly，and with a rapid' Goodbye！'rushed out of the cottage．I could not imagine what he had found to interest him so much．
我发现奥利弗小姐的父亲非常尊重李维斯一家，决不会反对女儿嫁给一个牧师，便决定说服奥利弗和她结婚。我觉得，与在东方的骄阳下做什么传教士相比，他有了奥利弗小姐的财产，可以在英格兰做更多善事。
　　几个星期后，我找到了机会。11月的一个晚上，他到小屋来看我。他注意到我为奥利弗小姐画的一幅素描，无法把目光从上面移开。
　　“如果你承认你喜欢，我可以为你画一幅更细的。”我轻声说。
　　“她太美了！”他喃喃地说，目光仍然盯着画。“我当然愿意要一张。”
　　“我敢肯定她喜欢你。”我大胆地说。“他父亲也尊重你，你应该娶她。”
　　“很高兴听你这么说。”他说，一点儿也不为我的坦率感到惊讶。“我给我自己十五分钟来想她。”他真的将表放在桌上，然后靠到椅子上，闭上了眼睛。“和可爱的罗莎蒙特•奥利弗小姐结婚！让我想像一下吧！我心中充满了快乐！”一刻钟里寂静无声，然后他拿起手表，把素描放回桌上。
　　“诱惑是苦涩的。”他摇着头说。“我不能和她结婚。你知道，尽管我深深地爱着她，但我知道罗莎蒙特不会成为一个传教士的好妻子。”
　　“可你不一定非做传教士啊！”我叫道。
　　“我当然必须做！这是上帝选择我去做的伟大工作！我要给世界上最黑暗的角落带去知识、和平、自由、宗教和天堂的希望。我为此而生，也将为此而死！”
　　“那奥利弗小姐怎么办？”我过了一会儿问。“你不娶她，她可能会非常失望。”
　　“奥利弗小姐一个月后就会把我忘掉，可能会嫁给一个比我更能使她幸福的人！”
　　“你说起来轻松，但我知道你很痛苦。”
　　“你真有创见！”他惊奇地说。显然他想像不出男女之间还可以一起讨论这样深层的情感问题。“不过，相信我，我已经克服了自己的这个弱点，变得如顽石般坚强。我现在唯一的志向就是为上帝服务。”他拿起帽子正要离去，桌上纸上的什么东西吸引了他的注意力。他看了我一眼，然后迅速撕下一个小角。他匆匆说声“再见！”便冲出了小屋。我搞不清他发现了什么让他这么感兴趣的东西。