Say Yes To Christmas（带稿）

Prologue

Ira Glass

From WBEZ Chicago, it's a special Christmas edition of This American Life. We have a bunch of things for you today, including later in the program, "Christmas on Fire." But let's just kick things off right now with a song recorded at an event we did onstage a few weeks ago.

Act One: Christmas On A High Wire

Woman

(SINGING) On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping, 10 lords a leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a milking, seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Ira Glass

I have always hated that song.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I have always hated that song. I feel like that song is symbolic of everything that is bad about Christmas. I should say I have no bad feelings about Christmas. I am a noncombatant when it comes to Christmas.

I was onstage talking about this song because we had this idea that we thought might make a really fun thing to try for Christmas. And that is we organized a night of improv comedy. And I know maybe you're saying, OK, how does that go together? Why improv comedy and Christmas?

OK, well, this is going to take a little explaining. Stay with me. This British writer and performer named Daniel Kitson-- I saw him say this thing about Christmas that seems so true. He says that when you're a kid and you wake up Christmas morning, what makes Christmas feel so magical is this feeling of, like, "Oh, my god. It's going to be amazing. The world is so full of possibility. Anything can happen." The fact that Santa Claus even exists, this literally magical being who came to your home.

And Kitson says this thrilled feeling that anything can happen, that is the thing that is so hard to hold onto once we become adults. And in fact, he says that so many adults at Christmas, they try to recreate the same Christmas year after year with the same everything over and over and over. It's like they lock in. Christmas becomes the opposite of "anything can happen." That is why it never feels as magical to adults. But it is possible to get back to that feeling.

And, OK, back to the plan for today's show. One place that adults embrace that feeling that anything could happen and it's going to happen and then they make it happen is improv comedy, where, you know, they walk on stage with no idea what anybody is going to say. And then one person tries something. They say something. And then somebody else pitches in with a line of their own, and then somebody else pitches in. And before you know it, they've made like a whole scene, a whole world, really.

And so with that in mind, we got these incredible improv comedians, and we got a club to perform in, and we did a show. And we did the show in this particular style of improv, where the people on stage, they tell true stories about their lives. And then those stories, those true stories, become the basis of the improv scenes that they then invent. And those scenes lead them to other true stories that then lead them into other improv scenes and so on and so on and so on.

And I was there. I kicked things off with a story about that song, about the song "The 12 Days of Christmas," which is a song that I noticed, even though-- just to say it again-- Christmas is not my day.

Ira Glass

I am not somebody who celebrates Christmas at all. I'm a Jew. And I'm not that kind of Jew whose parents celebrated Christmas on Hanukkah. We were pure Hanukkah people, and we look down on the Christmas Hanukkah Jews.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And in fact, I grew up in a suburb of Baltimore that was so Jewish, I didn't understand that we were in the minority. And so Christmas, I do nothing. It means nothing to me. The day means nothing. And most years, I go to Vegas on Christmas.

But I do really love Christmas music. I've always loved Christmas music. And at some point in my 20s, I started to make a collection of Christmas CDs and records. And the worst song of all is the song "The 12 Days of Christmas." And whenever it comes on, I just think, like, why is this still in circulation? First of all, the words refer to a wife and a world that none of us can relate to or care about. "12 lords a leaping," like, what is-- what experience is that even referring to? And then swans are swimming, geese are laying. So are we in a warm climate, a cold climate? It just raises so many questions.

But also the form of the song is so intensely boring. And you guys know what I'm talking about, where you do the first one, and then you go back and you do all the ones before it, which you already did. You know I mean? So you do two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. Then three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. Then four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. Five golden rings, four calling birds. And so like-- and so you know what's going to happen. It's repetitious in the most boring way, and then it's always sung very slowly, which is annoying.

And I don't know why it survived hundred of years to still be around. And my only thought is "five golden rings." "Five golden rings" is the hook of the song. And you've sung the song, right? When you get to five golden rings, everybody breathes a sigh of relief. It's like, (SINGING) five golden rings. And you just feel like, yeah!

You know what I mean? It's like the drum solo. That's the hook of the song. And without five golden rings, this song would be nothing.

Okay, so at this point-- this is me back in the studio talking-- at this point, if I could just describe the stage. Sitting on stools in a row, there are six improv comedians. And we got some of the best people around for this kind of thing. Seriously, we felt so lucky they agreed to be in the show. Aidy Bryant and Sasheer Zamata, they're both on Saturday Night Live. Scott Adsit, he was on 30 Rock, and before that, he was in Second City. So was Tammy Sagher. Chris Gethard and Mike Birbiglia, they've both been on our radio program before, Mike many, many times. They both have deep improv backgrounds.

So six of them are sitting on the stage on these stools. And they listen to that first story that I told to kick things off. And Mike was the first one to stand up and speak.

Mike Birbiglia

Wow. Well, first of all I want to disagree with Ira about that song. I think in some sense, it's sort of the "15 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" of Christmas carols. It's anthemic. It's repetitive. I think where the disconnect happens is that it's just British things.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Woman

What kind of American things would you put in there? Like a bald eagle? A bald eagle in a-- in a what, oak tree?

Mike Birbiglia

Yeah. Bald eagle in an oak tree. Yeah, we just got to de-British the whole thing. I think that's the problem.

Mike Birbiglia

Lady Haversquire.

Lady Haversquire

Yes?

Mike Birbiglia

We've been courting now for going on 10 months. And--

Lady Haversquire

Yes?

Mike Birbiglia

--I've been playing in my mind with what to get you for Christmas.

Woman

Lord Mavermunch, I am sure that whatever you will bring me on Christmas will bring me much-- what?

Lord Mavermunch

May I give it you now?

Woman

Oh! Yes, but so soon before Christmas?

Lord Mavermunch

I'm excited. I think I did well.

Woman

All right.

Lord Mavermunch

Here you are-- five golden rings.

Woman

Oh. Oh my goodness.

Lord Mavermunch

But I've also brought you 23 birds.

Woman

Sorry?

Lord Mavermunch

23 individual birds and 50 human people.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Could you stay in a group, please?

[GROUP TALKING OVER EACH OTHER]

Woman

Guys, guys, guys.

Man

We are the Christmas presents.

Lord Mavermunch

Do you like it?

Lady Haversquire

I-- I love it. Um, Lord Mavermunch, um, if we could just go back for a moment to the five golden rings.

Lord Mavermunch

Ah, yes.

Lady Haversquire

Yes. Ah, so two questions. Question number one-- what is the difference between a gold ring and a golden ring? Because one seems to imply that it merely has the color, yet none of the value.

Lord Mavermunch

Well, you've caught me there. I'm afraid to say the pear tree cost rather more than I expected.

Lady Haversquire

Lord Mavermunch?

Lord Mavermunch

Lady Haversquire?

Lady Haversquire

Do you remember when you first came courting?

Lord Mavermunch

Oh, yes. My memory is intact.

Lady Haversquire

Was it? Because I distinctly remember telling you I don't like a turtle dove. I find roses played out. And quite frankly, lords a leaping I've seen enough. And yet that's all you seem to have brought.

Lord 1

Oh, come on!

Lord 2

Oh, hey, come on!

Lord 1

We're so good! Watch this! Hut, hut, hut!

Lord 2

[GRUNTING]

Lord 1

I'm going so high!

Lord Mavermunch

Look, just--

Lady Haversquire

Do you know what they call you in the county?

Lord Mavermunch

I don't.

Lady Haversquire

They call you Quantity over Quality.

Woman

Scene.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Ira Glass

I wonder if you guys actually have memories-- did any of you have to go caroling? Or did you sing in--

Woman

I am also super Jewish. I'm Israeli Jewish. So the level of--

Ira Glass

Oh, you totally out-Jew me.

Woman

Yeah. But I was in the Chicago Children's Choir. And it was a little kids choir. And the big thing that you do at Christmas is sing Christmas carols. So two things that I remember very well from Christmas choir was one was I got a solo that I got to do. Yeah. And I screwed up, and that was horrifying.

The other thing that just occurred to me now is-- so it was on the South Side of Chicago. So it was pretty racially diverse, meaning I usually was the minority, not just as a Jew but as a white person, in choir. And so we also did a lot of gospels, which is where I discovered that I can't clap. And it became something that I would practice at home.

Ira Glass

Could I just have clarification, just as a fact-checking matter? You would practice clapping.

Woman

Yeah.

Ira Glass

To what? Like what would be the sound--

Woman

Just radio. I would just turn on the radio, and I'd be like, [CLAPPING] I would just, like, try to clap on the beat. Because if you don't know how to clap and you're in a choir clapping, it's terrifying.

Man

Bernice, I was watching you sing in the chorus.

Bernice

Oh, wow. You saw me? Wow.

Man

I see everything. I'm Jesus.

Bernice

Oh, wow-- this is-- this is so cool for me. This is huge.

Jesus

Oh, listen, it's an honor to meet you.

Bernice

Oh, my god. Thank you. Thank you, Jesus.

Jesus

You know I hear that all day? But it still means a lot when you say it.

Bernice

Aw, Jesus, you're so nice.

Jesus

I got to tell you. You really should not be singing.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Bernice

[SINGING OFF-KEY] What do you mean? What do you mean by what you're saying?

Jesus

Well, I think--

Bernice

What do you mean?

Jesus

Bernice, I--

Bernice

Jesus, don't say that to me!

Jesus

Bernice, I think you're answering your own question there.

Holy Spirit

You know, I'm the Holy Spirit. And I just wanted to chime in. I think Bernice has a really nice voice. I--

Jesus

Dave, I told you not to come.

Holy Spirit

All right.

Bernice

Well, maybe it's because I'm singing, like, gorgeous God songs. Maybe you want more of like a pop hit or something?

Jesus

No, what I'm saying is that you are singing from your heart, but your heart is not good enough. It really puts other people off, and it's pushing people away from me. I need people. I need more people.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Executive

We cut to a television executive's office. I got to say, we got this show, and the judges, they're too soft. And I think you're the exact kind of hard edge we need, Jesus.

Jesus

Well, I appreciate the compliment. But I would be happy to do the job, but let me also warn you that when I bring judgment, that's the end of the world.

Executive

Listen, that's the kind of ratings bonanza I've been looking for, OK?

Jesus

I'm in.

Executive

CeeLo, Aguilera, they softball it, Adam Levine. They all feel bad. Nobody gives an honest opinion. I need somebody who's going to be harsh. I need somebody who's going to be brutal, who's going to say, "This is exactly how I see it."

Jesus

Don't talk to me about Adam Levine, man.

Executive

What do I gotta do to get you on my network? I know money means nothing to you. You're omnipotent. You know everything. You have access to everything. What do I gotta do to get you on my airwaves?

Jesus

I want you to live your life as I would live mine.

Executive

[GROAN]

Jesus

Scene!

Abraham

My Jewish brothers, welcome. I call this meeting.

Jacob

You called this minion.

Abraham

Thank you for--

Jacob

There's 10 of us. I got to say there's 10 of us.

Abraham

Thank you for the correction, Jacob. I call this minion to discuss our grievances with Christmas as a holiday. I know it's not our holiday. But I know that I have some concerns.

Jacob

Brother Abraham, I think you should adjust your level of Jew-y. It's a little high.

Abraham

Oh! Here it is. It's on my anklet here. There we are.

Jacob

Oh, well--

Comedian

Well, I don't like it!

Ira Glass

Okay, this is Ira in the studio. I'm just going to stop the tape for a second just to make perfectly clear what's happening on stage right now. OK, so the first comedian in the scene, Mike Birbiglia, he had some trouble with his Jewish accent, as you heard, and he was teased about it. And then another comedian, Aidy Bryant, entered the scene. And she has so much trouble coming up with a Jewish accent that at some point, that just becomes what the scene is about, is her discomfort at this awful accent, and the other performers kind of egging her on and also ribbing her about it very affectionately. OK, back to the scene.

Jacob

Well--

Aidy Bryant

Well, I don't like it! I don't like the holiday one bit.

Abraham

I want to welcome our brother from the Italian branch of Judaism.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Aidy Bryant

Hey, what's the big deal?

Abraham

Thank you, Antonio, for bringing the 24 pizzas. We hope everything's going well at the temple out in Bay Ridge.

Aidy Bryant

It truly is. Please continue. I'll stay quiet, I promise, for the rest of the meeting.

Jacob

Antonio, you guys have been getting sweat everywhere.

Aidy Bryant

Eh, my favorite thing about being Jewish is, of course, the sweet lasagna! And I want everyone to know that I'm trying my absolute hardest. I feel we must move on.

Man

Scene.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Aidy Bryant

I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all the cultures everywhere around the world.

Man

Fellas, fellas, fellas, get in here. Fellas, I'm working on--

Woman 1

Yeah, yeah, yeah, what's up? Yeah.

Man

I wanted to get the group back together for a Christmas song. And I was just thinking this one would be just "Five Golden Rings."