倾听他人内心的声音【非暴力沟通 04A】

I was seated directly across the aisle from a couple on a mini-train that carries passengers to their respective terminals at the Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport. For passengers in a hurry to catch a plane, the snail’s pace of the train may well be irritating. The man turned to his wife and said with intensity, “I have never seen a train go so slow in all my life.” She said nothing, appearing tense and uneasy as to what response he might be expecting from her. He then did what many of us do when we’re not getting the response we want: he repeated himself. In a markedly stronger voice, he exclaimed, “I have never seen a train go so slow in all my life!”

The wife, at a loss for response, looked even more distressed. In desperation, she turned to him and said, “They’re electronically timed.” I didn’t think this piece of information would satisfy him, and indeed it did not, for he repeated himself a third time －even more loudly, “ I HAVE NEVER SEEN A TRAIN GO SO SLOW IN ALL MY LIFE!” The wife’s patience was clearly exhausted as she snapped back angrily, “Well, what do you want me to do about it? Get out and push?” Now there were two people in pain!

What response was the man wanting? I believe he wanted to hear that his pain was understood. If his wife had known this, she might have responded, “It sounds like you’re scared we might miss our plane, and disgusted because you’d like a faster train running between these terminals.”

In the above exchange, the wife heard the husband’s frustration but was clueless as to what he was asking for. Equally problematic is the reverse situation－when people state their requests without first communicating the feelings and needs behind them. This is especially true when the request takes the form of question. “Why don’t you go and get a haircut?” can easily be heard by youngsters as a demand or an attack un less parents remember to first reveal their own feelings and needs: “We’re worried that your hair is getting so long it might keep you from seeing things, especially when you’re on your bike. How about a haircut?”

It is more common, however, for people to talk without being conscious of what they are asking for. “I’m not requesting anything,” they might remark. “I just felt like saying what I said.” My belief is that, whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something in return. It may simply be an empathic connection—a verbal or nonverbal acknowledgment, as with the man on the train, that our words have been understood. Or we may be requesting honesty: we wish to know the listener’s honest reaction to our words. Or we maybe requesting an action that we hope would fulfill our needs. The clearer we are on what we want back from the other person, the more likely it is that our needs will be met.

Keywords & phrases

1)       aisle   n. 过道，通道

2)      terminal   n. 终点站，候机楼

3)      snail  n. 蜗牛

4)      intensity  n. 强度，烈度，强烈感情／激动

5)      tense   adj. 拉紧的，紧张的；时态

6)      uneasy  adj. 心神不安的，不稳定的

7)      markedly  adv. 显著地，引入注目地

8)      exclaim   v. (由于激动、震惊等)突然呼喊，大声说

9)      at a loss   不知所措，困惑

10)   distressed   adj. 痛苦的，烦恼的

11)   desperation   n. 绝望，抓狂(You will try anything to change the bad situation)

12)   exhausted   adj. 耗尽的

13)   snap   v. 恶声恶气地说，声色俱厉地说

14)   disgust   v. 使反感，厌恶

15)   frustration   n. 挫折，挫败

16)   clueless   adj. 一无所知的，一窍不通的

17)   empathic   adj. 有同理心的(showing empathy)

18)   fulfill   v. 执行（命令等），达到（目的）