01. What should I do with a child who throws lots of tantrums?

Hello, I’m Lawrence Cohen. Welcome to my Ximalaya audio course, which will make you more relaxed in parenting. The topic of today’s episode is tantrums.

A mother concerned about her son’s tantrums said to me: “Every time my three year old son has a difficulty he throws things, screams, and cries. If I lecture him, he becomes more furious and hits people. I ask him what is wrong, but he refuses to talk about it. Time-out doesn't work either. Eventually I threatened him. I said, “If you continue to cry, we'll all leave and let you stay at home alone.” Then he stops crying. I feel helpless because I don't know if I should be harsh or soft. I'm afraid of spoiling him, but I'm also worried I may misunderstand his needs.”

I appreciate this question very much! It provides so many important things to talk about to provide a deeper understanding of Playful Parenting.

First, you are not alone. Many parents today have this problem. Many children have tantrums, and many parents are confused. They do not want to be so strict, harsh, and controlling. But they also don’t want to be over-permissive. They have discovered that talking and time-out don’t help very much, but they aren’t sure what to do instead.

The first step is to see that our goal is not to force a tantruming child to stop his feelings. The goal is to restore emotional balance and allow the child to return to a cooperative and relaxed state.

Some parenting experts advise parents to ignore tantruming children. I disagree. When we ignore a child who is having an intense feeling, the child gets the message that feelings are dangerous. In reality, feelings are a normal part of human life. If we isolate children when they are upset, they have only two choices. One is to escalate their behavior until they finally get your attention, and the other is to give up on anyone understanding how they feel. Children learn to calm themselves by having loving adults calm them. They can’t learn it alone.

So how do we soothe and calm a child having a temper tantrum? Well, my basic rule with children having tantrums is that I want to be as close to them as I can without agitating them more. For some children, that means a hug so that they can reconnect with us, and reconnect with their own inner self who is calm and agreeable. For other children it may mean that I stand nearby, but far enough away that the child can’t kick me or throw something at me. If a child is so emotionally overloaded that he kicks or throws things, then it is my responsibility to move out of the way, but still provide a calm presence so the child can relax. I try not to talk too much or demand eye contact or apologies from the child in this overwhelmed state. That just agitates them more.

Often parents tell me that they can offer empathy and understanding to their child if the child is upset, or even during a tantrum, but lose their empathy as soon as the child does something unacceptable, such as hitting someone or saying something nasty like “you are stupid.” I understand! It feels to us at these moments that we must intervene forcefully and control this behavior. However, the forceful response does not take into consideration that your child is emotionally overloaded and cannot control his behavior in that moment. He needs your help to regain that ability to control his behavior, not through threat or punishment, but through understanding. You can gently interrupt the problem behavior by holding your child and preventing him from hitting anyone, or by taking him with you into another room. You can say, “I know you must be very angry to speak like that. We’ll talk about it later. Right now let’s find a quiet place to calm down together.”

This mother did not want to be too harsh or too soft. The solution is to have a strong response that isn’t harsh. You don’t have to be harsh to be strong. You can say, “I am not going to let you throw that book.” and hold your child gently and firmly so she doesn’t throw the book, without raising your voice or scaring her with your anger. You are just saying a simple fact. You can say, “I’m sorry, the answer is still no, but I am happy to hold you while you cry about it for as long as you want.” That’s a strong response, because you are sticking with your limit.Harshness is not necessary. In fact, the limit is more effective with a warm attitude and a close connection, as long as you maintain the limit.

Many parents worry that this approach is too soft or will spoil the child. It does not. We can never spoil children by meeting their basic needs—feeding them when they are hungry or comforting them when they are overloaded by emotion. Spoiling comes when we agree to something that is against our values, just because we can’t stand for our child to be sad or angry. Spoiling happens when we say, “Okay, you can have cake for dinner, just please stop crying.” That is spoiling because we know it is wrong to have cake for dinner, but we can’t handle our child’s emotions. In Playful Parenting, we don’t reject children’s tears and other feelings, but we aren’t afraid of them either. We accept them.

Sometimes we are so frustrated by our children’s tantrums that we make severe threats, such as this mother who threatened to leave her child all alone if he doesn’t stop crying. But this is a lie--she would not really leave a three year old child home alone--and we don’t want to teach our children to lie. Even though it wasn’t true, I’m sure it was very scary for the child, and fear can make us be silent, but it can’t make us be emotionally strong.

For this mother, it may have seemed like the threat to abandon the child was successful, because the crying stopped. But just because the tears stop doesn’t mean the child’s emotions have been resolved. They have just been buried. When children bury their tears, they are more likely to be aggressive or depressed later—the energy of the blocked tears must be expressed in some way.

When children say extreme things during a tantrum like “I’m going to kill you,” it is important not to get too upset. They don’t mean it literally. They are using the strongest words they can find in order to convey the strong emotion they have inside. I usually say, “That’s a very strong way to say you are angry. I can see that you are VERY angry.” It doesn’t work to just tell children that they are not allowed to talk that way. They don’t know what to do with the feelings inside when we silence them. Instead, our job as parents is to listen to every feeling, even ones we don’t like.

Even though I call my approach Playful Parenting, it is not correct to play all the time. During a tantrum a child is unable to play. When we try to joke them or tease them out of the tantrum, many children react with more anger, because they feel we are not taking their feelings seriously. Even if the tantrum is over a very small matter, the feelings are quite real and quite serious to the child.

But there are times when play is very helpful for preventing tantrums. If a child usually has a tantrum when you say no at the store, then you can play pretend store, and let your child be the pretend Mommy or Daddy who says no to you. Or perhaps your child will always say yes because in fantasy the child can act out the role of the “perfect” parent. Those games release the tension the child has about refusals, and that tension is what overwhelms the child in a tantrum. You can play the same type of game to prevent tantrums about bedtime, sharing, or any situation, by playing out the situation in a silly way, always letting the child choose who to pretend to be and who you should pretend to be. Another favorite game of mine is to take several stuffed animals or dolls and give each of them a character with a very strong emotion, one angry in a wild and exaggerated silly way, one fearful, and so on. Children love this type of play.

When children’s feelings are met with acceptance instead of rejection, when they can be treated with empathy even during a tantrum, then they will grow up to be emotionally mature and responsible. They will understand their own emotions and as adults, they will communicate their feelings respectfully and assertively, without rage or suppression. That kind of emotional balance is a key to success in life.  

Do you remember temper tantrums when you were young? How do you express your anger now, as an adult? Can you imagine someone letting you know that it is okay for you to have these strong feelings? Can you imagine someone saying to you, “I hear you, I’m here with you.”

Such reflection will help you steadier when your child throws a tantrum and you will gradually be able to understand him and show your empathy.

That’s all for today. Please leave message to me if you have any question. I’ll try my best to reply you. I hope this episode has given you some new tools and insights into tantrums, and I look forward to being with you next time.

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