布兰妮自传《我内心的女人》-下（慢速+文稿）

Justin Timberlake and abortion

贾老板与堕胎

She wasn't being entirely dishonest, she maintains now. Hernights out were "never as wild as the press made it out to be" andshe "never had any interest in hard drugs". When other musicians weregetting wasted, she stuck to the ADHD medication Adderall.

她现在宣称，她之前的言论也并非全是谎话。她出去玩“从来没有媒体报道的那么狂野”，她“也从来没有对硬毒品有任何兴趣”。当其他搞音乐的沉溺于毒品时，她一直用的是对抗多动症药物Adderall。

"[It] made me high, yes, but what I found far moreappealing was that it gave me a few hours of feeling less depressed."

“是的，它让我兴奋，但更吸引我的是它让我感觉不那么抑郁了几个小时。”

Eventually, however, Spears' innocent image set her up for adownfall.

然而最终，布兰妮的天真人设还是坍塌并让她重重地摔了下去。

In one of the book's most harrowing sequences, she talksabout having a medical abortion during her relationship with Justin Timberlake.The pills she had been prescribed left her in agony but the couple were tooscared to visit a hospital in case the news leaked. For hours, Spears wascurled up, "sobbing and screaming" in pain on the bathroom floor.

在书中最令人痛心的一段中，她谈到了在与贾老板交往期间曾进行药物流产。医生给她开的药片让她痛如刀绞，但却因害怕消息泄露而不敢去医院。布兰妮蜷缩着，在浴室地板上痛苦地“抽泣和尖叫”了好几个小时。

"Still, they didn't take me to hospital," shesays. Instead Timberlake, "thought music would help, so he got his guitarand lay there with me, strumming it."

“即便这样他们仍然没有带我去医院，”她说。而贾老板“认为音乐会有帮助，所以他拿了他的吉他，和我躺在一起，为我弹奏。”

 Despite the traumashe went back to work, soldiering on even after Timberlake dumped her by texton the set of a music video.

尽管遭受如此创伤，她依然坚持演出。甚至贾老板在录MV的片场发短信甩了她之后，她仍然坚持着。

After their separation, she was vilified in the press, withTimberlake strongly hinting she had cheated on him (she says it was the otherway round, with "one of the girls from All Saints").

他们分手后，她被媒体恶意中伤，贾老板强烈暗示她劈腿（但据她说事实相反，是贾老板和“AllSaints”乐队的一位成员有染）。

Timberlake has yet to respond to his depiction in the book.

贾老板还没有对他在书中的描述做出回应。

The couple's break-up only increased the appetite for gossipabout Spears' personal life. The tabloids hounded her. She recalls aphotographer from People magazine demanding she empty her handbag, so theycould check whether she was carrying drugs or cigarettes.

两人的分手进一步点燃了媒体对布兰妮个人生活的八卦兴趣。小报对她穷追不舍。她回忆说《人物》杂志的一名摄影师要求她清空包包，让他们检查她是否携带毒品或香烟。

Eventually, the pressure became too much. In 2007, reelingfrom the death of her aunt Sandra and suffering from post-partum depression,Spears marched into a hair salon, picked up some clippers and cut off her hair.

最终这种压力压垮了布兰妮。2007年，在姨妈桑德拉去世的打击下，又遭受产后抑郁症的折磨，布兰妮走进一家发廊，拿起一把剃刀，剃了头发。

"Shaving my head was a way of saying to the world:[Expletive] you," she writes.

“剃光头就是我对世界说：(咒骂语)你，”她写道。

"I'd been the good girl for years. I'd smiled politelywhile TV show hosts leered at my breasts, while American parents said I wasdestroying their children by wearing a crop top. And I was tired of it."

“多年来我一直是个好女孩。当电视主持人垂涎我的胸部时，我礼貌地微笑。而美国的父母们说我穿露脐装是在毁掉他们的孩子。我厌倦了。”

We all know what happened next. Instead of being seen as anact of strength or rebellion, Spears' buzz-cut was used as evidence ofinstability.

接下来发生的事我们都看到了。布兰妮的光头并未被视为一种力量或反叛的行为，而是被视为她情绪不稳定的证据。

Within a year, she had been placed under the conservatorship.

不到一年，她就被置于监护之下。

'Let me go'

“放我走”

Spears is a straightforward writer. She doesn't embellish ordecorate her prose. That matter-of-fact style amplifies the horror of thoseyears.

小甜甜是个直率的作家。她没有刻意修饰文字。这种实事求是的风格放大了她那些年的恐怖。

She talks about being pinned down on hospital stretchers andforced to take medication against her will. At home, she isn't allowed to takea bath in private. Boyfriends are vetted and informed of her sexual historybefore they can go on a date.

她谈到自己被绑在医院的担架上，被迫服用药物。在家里，她甚至不能在不受监控下洗澡。在任何新的约会之前，男朋友会接受审查，并被告知她的性史。

At first, she tries to appease her parents and the doctors."If I play along, surely they'll see how good I am and they will let mego," she says.

起初，她试图以顺从来求得父母和医生的宽容。她说：“如果我听话，他们肯定会看到我有多乖，就会让我走”。

When she considers rebelling, access to her two young sonsis used as a bargaining chip.

当她想要反抗时，与两个年幼的儿子的见面被用作讨价还价的筹码。

"My freedom in exchange for naps with my children...was a trade I was willing to make," she admits.

她坦承：“用我的自由来换取与孩子们相处……我愿意做这种交易。”。

But even while she was supposedly incapable of looking afterherself, Spears was sent out on tour, hired as a judge on X Factor and bookedfor a four-year Las Vegas residency.

但即使当小甜甜被认为无法自理，她被安排巡演，被选为《美国达人》的评委，并订下四年的拉斯维加斯驻场表演。

The singer, who used to collect receipts in a glass bowl inorder to keep track of her taxes, carefully documents the millions everyoneelse made from those engagements, while she was given a strict allowance of$2,000 (£1,635) per week.

这位过去把收据收在玻璃碗里作为自己纳税记录的歌手，却仔细记录了别人从她的种种演出中赚取的百万美元，而她却每周只有2000美元的零花钱。

Losing all sense of self, she almost gave up.

她失去了所有的自我意识，几乎放弃了。

"The fire inside me burned out," she recalls."The light went out of my eyes."

她回忆道：“我体内的激情都烧光了。”，“我的眼睛已经黯然无神。”

The turning point comes when a kindly nurse shows herfootage of fans discussing the Free Britney movement.

转折点是一位和蔼的护士，给她看了她的粉丝们发起的“解放小甜甜”运动的视频。

With renewed courage, she hires a new lawyer and places a911 call reporting herself as a victim of conservatorship abuse.

她重新鼓起勇气，聘请了一位新律师，并拨打了911报警，称自己是监护权滥用的受害者。

She's been free for almost two years, but the after-effectswill take years to unpick.

她已重获自由了近两年，但被监控的后遗症还需要很长时间才能消除。

Anger courses through Spears' writing, particularly whendiscussing her father.

小甜甜的新书中愤怒贯穿始终，尤其是在提及她父亲时。

She describes Jamie Spears as an alcoholic and a failed businessman;a "reckless" and "cold" figure who pushed his children toohard and was abusive to their mother. (The BBC has contacted Mr Spears forcomment but has yet to receive a response.)

在她的描述中她父亲是个酒鬼及失败的生意人，“鲁莽”而“冷酷”。他对孩子们施加极大的压力，并虐待他们的母亲。（BBC已联系她父亲需求评语，但尚未得到回应。）

It's impossible to read The Woman In Me and not feel sad andoutraged on Spears' behalf.

小甜甜的新书让人无法不为她感到悲伤和愤怒。

One tiny detail of her new life, in particular, emphasiseshow grey her world had become. "Now," she writes, "I get to eatchocolate again".

尤其是她在描述新生活中的一个小细节，让人不禁感叹她的世界曾经是多么灰暗。“现在，”她写道，“我又能吃巧克力了”。

Spears' story is told with the same approachable warmth thatmade her a star. And, outside the defining events of the last 15 years, shespins a good yarn - whether describing her pregnancy cravings (food and sex,apparently); or reliving her terror at dancing with a snake at the 2001 MTVAwards.

小甜甜的文字带着她令她吸粉无数的那种接地气和温暖。而且即便过去十五年是如此的不幸，她依然讲述了一个很感人的故事——无论是描述她在怀孕期间的渴望（食物和性）；或者是回顾她在2001年MTV颁奖典礼上与蛇跳舞时的恐惧。

Her family aside, there are no real villains or scandals tobe uncovered. But nor are there any great revelations about Spears' music orinner life.

撇开她的家人不谈，这本书并没有揭露什么真正的恶棍或丑闻。但同时对她的音乐和内心生活也并无重大的揭示。

What we are left with, not for the first time, is acautionary tale about fame and the corrupting influence of money. And, justmaybe, a glimmer of hope for a woman whose adult life has been dictated byothers.

我们看到的，是一个并不新鲜的，关于名声和金钱腐败影响的警示故事。除此外，或许还有一丝微弱的希望，对于一个曾经生活完全被他人支配的女人的一线希望。

"It's time for me not to be someone who other peoplewant," she writes. "It's time to actually find myself."

她写道：“是时候让不再为他人定义，真正找回自我了。”