第1章08. The red room

Now that I was alone I thought bitterly of the people I lived with．John Reed，his sisters，his mother，the servants，they all accused me，scolded me，hated me．Why could I never please them？Eliza was selfish，but was respected．Georgiana had a bad temper，but she was popular with everybody because she was beautiful John was rude，cruel and violent，but nobody punished him．I tried to make no mistakes，but they called me，naughty every moment of the day．Now that I had turned against John to protect myself，everybody blamed me．
　　And so I spent that whole long afternoon in the red room asking myself why I had to suffer and why life was so unfair．Perhaps I would run away，or starve myself to death．
Gradually it became dark outside．The rain was still beating on the windows，and I could hear the wind in the trees．Now I was no longer angry，and I began to think the Reeds might be right．Perhaps I was wicked．Did I deserve to die，and be buried in the churchyard like my uncle Reed？I could not remember him，but knew he was my mother's brother，who had taken me to his house when my parents both died．On his death bed he had made his wife，aunt Reed，promise to look after me like her own children．I supposed she now regretted her promise．
我孤单单的，心里痛苦地思量着和我一起生活的这些人。约翰•里德，他的妹妹们，他的母亲，仆人——他们所有的人都指责我、训斥我、恨我。为什么我总不能让他们高兴呢？伊丽莎自私，却得到尊重。乔治娜脾气坏却人人喜欢，因为她长得漂亮。约翰粗鲁、残忍、凶暴，却没人惩罚他。我尽量不犯错误，可他们每时每刻都说我捣乱。现在我为了保护自己反抗了约翰，更成了众矢之的。
　　整整一个漫长的下午，我都待在红房子里问自己，为什么我非得受苦，为什么生活如此不公平。也许我应该跑掉或干脆饿死。
　　天渐渐黑了，雨点仍然拍打着窗户，还可以听到风在树枝间呼啸。我已经不生气了，甚至开始觉得也许里德一家是对的。也许我真的挺坏，我是不是应该死，然后像里德舅舅一样被埋在教堂的院子里？我已记不起他了，但我知道他是我妈妈的哥哥。我双亲过世后，他收留了我。临死前，他要妻子里德太太保证像照顾自己的孩子一样照顾我。我想她现在后悔自己的许诺了。