033. I helped my best friend cheat

Back in college, I had two best friends: Jake and Alice. Now Jake had been my best friend since middle school and we shared and did everything together. I knew him better than anyone, even more than his own family and could even predict his responses to the exact words. I was like a sister to him and even to this day he was the closest friend I ever had. Alice was my roommate in college. We were also very close, and after I introduced her to Jake, the three of us would hang out every day, almost from the moment we woke up to the moment we went to sleep. Over the years, I began to suspect that Jake and Alice liked each other, although at the time, they were both in their own separate relationships. 

Secretly, I supported the two of them and would often leave the two alone together, just to see if something would "spark" between them, especially after they both ended up breaking up with their significant others. After we graduated from college, Jake and Alice FINALLY admitted their feelings for each other. They quickly fell in love and even moved in together! I was over the moon. I was so happy that my two best friends had found each other. Our entire friend group celebrated. FINALLY! And they told me I would be the maid of honor at their wedding. One day, a year after they had gotten together, Jake asked me to take Alice out of the house so he could prepare a birthday surprise for her. I happily agreed: "sure, how cute!" I asked Alice to help me with some shopping and kept her out of the house for a few hours at his request. 

A week later, he asked me to do the same thing. Then a few days after that, again. I asked him what his elaborate birthday surprise was that it could take so long, but he told me it was a "surprise". So I didn't question it, even if I thought it was a little odd. He was my best friend. So I trusted him; I kept taking Alice out; distracting her, keeping her busy. One day when we came back to the house early, Jake was jumpy and stuffed something into the closet. Weird, that's unlike Jake. But, I figured we must have interrupted him early with preparing his surprise - so my bad, I probably should have told him we were coming home early. Later, while Alice and Jake were busy in the kitchen, I decided it had been literal weeks. So I decided to take a peek in the closet to see what he had been planning... Remember when I said I knew Jake better than anyone, even his own family? I also knew what his ex, Tammy, was like. What she liked and how she talked. And I knew that she had this one denim jacket that she'd loved and had worn all throughout our high school. So, imagine my surprise, when I peeked in the closet and saw Tammy's denim jacket there, crumpled on the floor, where he'd thrown it. I stepped back, almost tripping over myself, shut the door and... just went home. I was shocked, confused, and kept making excuses to prevent myself from thinking of the worst. I couldn't breathe. I told myself that I'd made a mistake, that Alice must own a denim jacket exactly like Tammy's. But, I knew that she didn't. When Alice's birthday finally came, Jake took her out to a restaurant and a movie. 

A simple date. When I confronted him privately about "the big surprise" he'd been preparing, he looked me in the eye and told me "he had messed up" and wasn't able to finish it in time. It was so effortless and so confident that again... I trusted him. I made excuses for him. "Jake wouldn't do that." "Not honest, gentle Jake. He wouldn't lie to me or cheat on Alice." "I'm the one at fault." I didn't have any reason to doubt my best friend. So I didn't say anything. I didn't have enough evidence, and I didn't want to ruin our friendship and their relationship over nothing. More than that, I didn't want to believe my best friend, the role model I had always looked up to, the "brother" who had always been there for me would look me in the eye, lie, and use me to cheat on his girlfriend. This went on for weeks and weeks, while my unease grew and grew. I kept telling myself those same excuses, even though I knew in my gut something was wrong. Then, Alice began complaining to me that Jake was staying out late most nights for 'work'. That he'd been acting distant because he was tired from 'work'. But I told her not to worry about it, hung up the phone, and cried. I couldn't believe I was lying to her. I told her everything was alright when I knew it wasn't. 

My boyfriend asked me why I was crying, I told him I didn't know. And I didn't. I didn't know if I was crying over the guilt of not saying anything to Alice or at the loss of my dearest friend - the destruction of his image in my mind. I didn't know him anymore. It wasn't until my boyfriend saw - with his own eyes - Jake out with Tammy months later that I finally snapped and told Alice everything I thought I knew. I told her about the non-existent "birthday surprise", the denim jacket, the sighting of those two together. And you know what happened? After my 8 years of friendship with Alice, and my 13 years of friendship with Jake? She cut me off. She told me that I was making up lies, and that she'd known I always "loved" Jake and I wanted to break them up so I could have him for myself. Then she blocked me on everything. He did too. I was so hurt, so confused, and so betrayed. That night, I cried myself to sleep. I'd lost my two closest friends in the world just like that. Just for doing what I thought was the right thing. It was like losing a limb, and for what? If I didn't know my best friend was capable of cheating or that my other best friend was capable of cutting me off, what else didn't I know about people? I was the common denominator here, so, was I the problem? The next morning, Alice knocked on my door, sobbing her eyes out. Although I could have been angry at her for lashing out at me, the sight of her broken like that just made me cry for her more. Unbeknownst to me, Alice confronted Jake that night. And he admitted, yes, he had been cheating on her with his ex. And he didn't say sorry. He didn't beg to keep her. He just confirmed that it happened, like he was reporting a fact. That same night, he packed up his things, and just left; breaking the hearts of the two people that cared about him the most. Alice, she's doing better now. We've helped her find a new place to live and invite her over to dinner whenever she's feeling lonely. She's even started dating someone new. 

Every so often, we see Jake out in the town with Tammy and he looks at me like he doesn't recognize me. Even though Alice is getting better, I ask myself: what if I'd said something sooner? What if I'd confronted him with what I knew when I could have? Would he have been remorseful? Could they have worked through it if only the cheating hadn't gone on for so long? I'll never know. And I know deep in my heart that if he was willing to do all that, he doesn't deserve Alice as his girlfriend or me as his friend. It's better this way. That's what I tell myself, anyway. But every time I walk past the park where Jake and I slid down the hill on blocks of ice, or help Alice when she's drunk, crying about how she'll never trust anyone again, and feel the aching loss of days gone by, I ask myself: What if?