24（英）How to deal with quarrels and fights between your children

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Hello, Himalaya’s subscribers.My name is Mary Nelsen, and today we're gonna be talking about conflict and howto deal with quarrels and fights between your children. Some of the differenttools that we're gonna discuss are the three "B"s of sibling rivalry. Beat it. Bearit, or Boot 'Em Out? We will also discuss some of the different valuable skillsthat they can learn through their fighting. And we're also gonna talk aboutconnection and being able to help your children through modeling and practice,develop the skills long term for how to self regulate and problem solve andfocus on solutions and be able to ask for what it is that they need in a toneof voice that is respectful and received by their sibling.

So let me just start by sayingthat this particular topic is one that I struggle with and challenges me themost as a parent. Nothing pushes my buttons more than when my boys, agestwelve, ten, and six fight. Today, I'm gonna talk about why kids fight withreminder of the belief behind that behavior, as well as how birth order plays apart and how your first born, maybe feeling dethroned after his new babybrother or sister was born. I will also describe the most common reasons whyparents get involved and highlight the benefits of your children fighting andthe skills and tools that they're going to learn.

And then toward the end of the lesson, I will share some of the negativeresults to the extreme parenting of either being too strict or authoritarian,or too kind also known as permissive style parenting. You will also then learnall the valuable life skills and characteristics that your children will havethe opportunity to practice and learn long term by being raised in a pity homewhere your kids will experience more connection, mutual respect, kindness, andfirmness at the same time. And when we practice this with our children, we tooare able to experience the joy in parenting that I know that we all fantasizedabout before we actually became parents.

And then reality of parenting is that it's a struggle and that struggle isreal. And that's why I am so excited to talk about this topic and celebrate themany opportunities that we have to practise PD and then to experience theoutcomes of having a positive discipline at home and all the valuable andeffective tools that you really are going to use that are gonna invite thatcooperation from your children. There are so many reasons behind the behaviorof when children fight, because, let's face it, kids fighting is inevitable andabsolutely normal. However, when it's happening more frequently, then it's timeto break out your positive discipline tools. And remember that their fightingis an opportunity to teach and to practice all the tools and skills. And theneventually they are going to learn how to be empathetic and compassionateproblem solvers.

Isn't that what we all want is for our children to turn into adults thatare empathetic and compassionate and are able to solve their own problems. Andso let's talk about some of the reasons why your children might fight and whatthey have learned. This is what they learn is when they fight, they can getattention from you. They have also learned that when they fight, it makes themfeel powerful. Or the reason they fight, it might be just to break up theboredom,annoying a sibling, maybe exciting to them more than anything else.

And it's also another way for them to connect. I know it doesn't make senseto us as adults, but when you think about bear cubs or puppies and how they allwrestle and kind of interact, that is too also a form of connection. And theymay want that physical contact. Another really popular reason why childrenfight is because one child will become favored by that parent and making theother sibling look, quote, bad. And I'm gonna talk more about that and theimportance of not training your children for these roles of either being avictim or bully.

So as long as there is more than one child in the house, the siblingrivalry is inevitable. The annoyance of many parents' existence. Believe me, Iknow sibling fighting often leaves moms and dads feeling exhausted andcompletely worn out by all the bickering and teasing，and wonder whydo their kids fight so much? If you're like me and you wanna find out how youcan promote a warm and close relationship between your offspring that willcarry forward into your children's adulthood than you are tuning in to theright place.

You may relate to some of the following reactions that I have heard fromparents about how they feel when their children fight. Tell me if you canrelate to ever feeling angry or furious, helpless, completely out of control. Iknow that's my go to is feeling out of control because I'm trying to eitherredirect or completely stay out of it. And I just feel like I can't help theemotions that are happening. But we get to practice that tool I'm going to talkmore about that later of how we stay in control of our own behavior.

But having your kids fight, it also can leave parents feeling helpless andpowerless, sad, disappointed, fearful, just strongly overwhelmed, or agitated.And I think that all of those emotions are gonna invite and trigger us and testour own feelings and responses. when our children are fighting, it pushes thatbutton so that we go into the reptilian brain. And I know personally that whenmy boys fight, this is the number one button pusher for me. And it feels likethe most challenging as well. And it's the most difficult for me to stay incontrol of my own behavior, which again as another positive sibling tool.

And so I need to constantly remind myself that when my boy spite andchallenge me emotionally, this is my opportunity as a parent to stay calm andto help them learn the problem solving skills, teach them how to, you know,find that compassion that's naturally within them，direct them and guide them on howto make amends, also taking accountability for their part without being avictim. Taking accountability, I think is a really important lifelongcharacteristic that we want our children to learn. I work with adults all thetime that never learned this the skill or this, uh, yeah, this valuable lifeskill in it. And it has really affected them negatively in their adult years.So having your children fight is opportunity for your children to learn this.So very exciting.

And also when the children, when our children are able to use the skillsthat I just mentioned, then they have the opportunity to use their own ability,their natural instinct of remorse. So when you're not playing a referee or ajudge and you're not getting involved and taking sides, your children don'tneed to go into the defense role or to the defence response. Instead they gointo the natural instinct response that they have a feeling that remorse. Andwhen we step in as parents and take sides, although we never mean to. We aretraining our children to establish the role of either the victim or the thebully.

 So when ourchildren don't need to defend themselves to their parents, your kids will beginto establish the trust with their sibling, better communication and problemsolving skills. And they get to learn all this with that practice. So yourchildren will also be able to identify how they're feeling and be able toexpress respectfully what it is that they need or want.

When our children are taught and encouraged the problem solvers rather thanvictims and blame as they will have such a great advantage. Long term for thoseemotional regulation skills, the compassion, making amends, taking thataccountability and responsibility, and overall a closer relationship to theirsibling and to you. They can establish that bond and trust that they they willbenefit for, I'm going to edit that they can establish the bond and trust thatthey will benefit from for the rest of their lives. Again, I need to point outthat these challenges that we face as parents, and I think we all aredefinitely in the same boat with how challenging it is when our children fight.

But to remember that these are the opportunities to teach your childrensome amazing and valuable life skills of long term. So a very popular andcommon concern of most parents is that when they get involved, when their kidsare having fights, and I know it's tempting in the reason we do this is becauseit's the fear that we have as parents that motivates us and creates thatmischief and often more challenges. Because when we are motivated by that fear,we often feel desperate, and we may end up threatening our children or takingaway privileges, one of my favorites, or taking away something that'scompletely unrelated, also very common, because if you do that, that's gonnateach them. Right?

Most parents are just so desperate to get their children to stop fightingthat they do whatever they can to stop it immediately. But again, redirectingyour focus, we wanna keep remembering long term. So it's not gonna be easy topractice the tools that we're gonna talk about today, but it is gonna be sobeneficial for you and so beneficial for them and just for your entire familyin the moment, even though you have to practice, but mostly long term, they'regonna master these skills. So I have to talk about how important modeling isfor your child.

And that this is another reminder that we cannot expect our children tocontrol their behavior. If we can't control our own. I grew up hearing thisquote for my mother, and I absolutely love it. And I didn't realize until Ibecame a parent, how hard and difficult that actually was and because we're humanbeings and we have emotion and it's just learning how to manage that emotion.This is so important. And now we have the opportunity as parents to model that.So my personal experience and I have found it to be extremely effective, is towalk away or just walk out of the room, take deep breath, remind myself thatthey're fighting, as annoying as it is, is opportunity for my boys to thenpractice the skills that I mentioned earlier and for me to practice stayingcalm so that I can respond when needed.Instead of reacting from my reptilianpart of my brain.

And that reptilian brain is when we're not saying things rationally, we'renot thinking straight. So many parents get involved because they worry thatthey feel or fear that their children will either get physically or emotionallyhurt, or that they might have self esteem damage, especially if the conflictsare chronic or that their children might become bullies, or the fear that theirchildren are never going to stop fighting. And my biggest fear is that mychildren were gonna have a relationship as adults.

So I thought that all of their fighting was only gonna lead to an a strangerelationship in the future. I also feared that they might be lacking empathy.So again, these are all very common worries and fears. And again, we get tofocus on the positives of what drives those fears in us and the reactions fromour children, but how we can use them as opportunities to teach. So some of thedifferent forms of sibling rivalry and there's lots and parents are oftenamazed at all the different forms and how they can be so creative and meanchildren to their siblings.

So here's just a few of the ways that children can provoke one another namecalling, blaming, lying, arguing， just simply looking at each other, paddling, hitting, ofcourse, is my number one button pusher. When I see my child get hit, I have todo everything in my power to stay calm. And it's not easy. So after hearingsome of these agonizingly familiar to you, I'm sure you can probably come upwith a few more, but you could imagine as a parent how that must trigger us allthose, you know forms of fighting that our children do.

And so for most parents, all the fighting seems so unnecessary. And itabsolutely gets on her nerves. And it can be extremely upsetting because youdon't want to see your children get hurt or be mean to one another. And manyparents have added pressure because they feel like they have to resolve theproblems like a wise old owl. So what children learn from fighting？Let's let'stalk about that for a minute. So in addition to children actually learningimportant life skills, when they're arguing with their siblings.They also aregoing to learn in the future how to deal with the power struggles，manage conflict, and resolve differences, be assertive and stand upfor their position, negotiate and compromise.

The benefits and opportunities of sibling rivalry are as follows. So now I'd like to talk about the benefits and theopportunities of sibling rivalry.Many parents oftenwonder, why do my kids fight? It makes absolutely no sense to adults. Actually,It's interesting to think about it.

The sibling fighting from your children's perspective to do this, we needto get into your child's world. So usually the oldest child feels dethroned whenthe new baby arrives, just as you might feel dethroned, if your spouse broughthome a new wife. The youngest child often feels inadequate when comparingherself to the capability of their older sibling.So understanding how yourchild might feel will help you be able to interact with them with compassion.So it's important as parents to allow your children to feel what they feel there,and then to be there to create that connection and support however they need.You too.

I wanted to be clear at it. I wanna be clear that compassion does not meansympathy or feeling sorry for them. It's not helpful to over protect yourchildren. Many parents do this in the name of love. Believe me. I know. Andthey believe that being protective over protective will save them from manynegative feelings and emotions that they will experience either their siblingor throughout their life. So remember that it's not our job to make ourchildren suffer, but it is our job to allow them to struggle.

The struggle is what develops those disappointment muscles that they needto be able to develop the confidence and the belief that they're capable fortheir future. Learning to navigate through those natural and normal strugglesof sibling rivalry will absolutely benefit them long term. It's gonna be harderon you than it is on them. Believe me. One of the biggest mistakes parents makein the name of love is getting involved. Getting in the middle for acting likea referee or a judge is not helpful. When parents get involved. You arelabeling and training your kids that when they fight, you'll be there, whichthen leads them to fighting more and to more vigorously more bully roles.

edit when parents get involved, you are labeling in trainingyour kids that when they fight, you'll be there, which then only leads to morefighting and more victim or bully roles that your child will live up to. I wantto talk about a very important mistake parents make. And I know again, It's inthe name of love. But the mistake that they're making is training their children to have this victim bully mentality. And this happens when you assumethat the oldest is at fault, the bully, and then you rescue the youngest. Thevictim, often the youngest, starts a conflict that you don't even see just toget the rescue or develop that victim mentality from you.

I know this role well, because I used to play it with my six oldersiblings. Remember I'm the baby of seven. And I quickly learned that when myparents didn't rescue me as the victim, only then did I learn through my ownexperiences of cause and effect how I would create these negative outcomes by provokingmy brothers.And then I would learn from those consequences of my actions.

Notice that I said self learned rather than through punitive consequencesimplemented from their parents. This is when the roles of the bully start whena child needs to defend themselves, because they're being blamed instead of beingdefensive. They could learn and say, what could I have done differently?Another question that your children are going to ask as they learn to problemsolve and navigate through these negative situations is what did I just learnabout that outcome? And is there anything else I could have done differently toget a better outcome?

And these questions are going to need some help from you in the beginning.But as they grow older, It's going to become a natural part of their thinking. It'sgoing to be a fluent part of their language. So a few more examples of somequestions that your children can learn to ask is, is there anything I can do tofix the outcome, or make amends by taking accountability for my part, and whatI can do to fix it, or what we can do to fix it? So again, maybe some promptingfrom you as parents. And this is where you get to use some of those curiosityquestions.

But it's not about blaming, It's about focusing on the learning and whatthey could do differently. How will it be different? And sometimes they mighthave to learn the same lessons more than once. And the important part as aparent is to let them learn it, not to make them learn it. And the more thatyour children have fights and disagreements, the more they get to practice andlearn. So we get to celebrate it. So now I'm gonna talk about another positivediscipline tool, the one I mentioned in the beginning of the lesson on thethree Bs to sibling rivalry.

It's beat it, bear it, or boot them out.The first B is beat it. And this is my personal favorite B and the one that allmy boys agreed to. This is when you, as the parent, decide to beat it, leavethat room, when they start fighting, have faith in them, that they can battleit out and then eventually work it out. This takes a lot of time in training,and I also think it's the best way for them to practice all the skills that wewant them to learn when I beat it. Not only does it help me to stay calm, butit allows them to figure it out and work through it.

When I don't get involved in their problems, they have a natural instinct,that feeling of remorse that immediately happens to them when they're notimmediately going to a defense mode, but rather than that natural instinct ofokay, shoot, how do I fix this? So what my children will do is quickly eithersay that they're sorry, or they're gonna race right past me to go get an icepack, or I've heard him offer a hug and an apology. And this is only whathappens when I don't get involved, because they are learning because they'renot learning and experiencing the victim or bully mentality.

So we have to remember that as human beings, It's very natural that when wefeel attacked, we need to defend. So how we do that is by attacking back. It'svery primal. So when we get involved and start taking sides or implementingpunishment with our children we’re teaching our children to be defensive insteadof taking accountability for their part and how to fix it. In our house，the F word isfault when something happens. Or anyone of us might tend to look for blame bysaying, whose fault is it instead?

I say and teach them to say, it doesn't matter whose fault it is. The question is, how do we fix it? This immediately takes away any defensive reaction, and instead turns it into a positive and teachable moment where they are saying,how do we fix it? We've got natural problem solvers were focusing on solutions. Fixing it is either coming up with a plan for how to avoid it next time, saying they are sorry, saying how it makes them feel，asking for what they need all opportunities to practice that language.

The next B is bear it. This is a really difficult one. And as a parent, what you would do is you would stay in the room as your kids fight and bear it by doing nothing at all. This is impossible for me. There's a primal reaction in me and probably most parents that when I see my kids fight or my my bear cubs fight, I want to immediately run in and protect them. I don't wanna see one getting hurt. And then that's when that victim training starts happening. And he began and again, again, because I almost can't stand it not to intervene, I will forever beat it.

I want to mention that if the situation between kids gets out of control, see if he can redirect them into another activity, such as contests or relays, or where there's cooperation and less competition. My mom has mentioned that even with her five boys, there was never bloodshed or broken bones. And this has also been my experience too, with my three boys. So what I have found is that when one of my children gets hurt, they instantly go into recovery mode or repair mode and make amends. So, but when I'm in the room, my youngest will cry louder and be more dramatic, which immediately makes the older one feel more resentful. Irritable then will fall into that defensive and bully role.

So this is why it is so important to practice those PD skills. And to just stay out of it. Let your children problem solve and learn from the consequences of their actions. The last B is to boot them out and to treat them the same and adding the words of kids I have faith in you to work this out, or kids you need to go outside or to separate rooms until you guys can calm down, and then find a solution and focus on a solution.

This gives your kids the opportunity to access their rational brain while they're calming down. And remember, we talk about connection before correction. They cannot focus on a solution until they're calm and when they are upset or angry there in that primitive part of their brain, which is the fight flight freeze response. So once they are calm, they can problem solve and make amends. And I'm gonna talk more about conflict resolution and problem solving in just a few more moments, it's important to talk about parenting extremes. Okay? I didn't know if I should talk about the parenting extremes. You might have to edit it. This is getting really long, but I'm gonna add it, and then I only have one more section. So you decide, I wanna talk about the important parenting streams and the family ambiance.

Parenting approaches range from being either very aggressive and overly harsh and punitive, or too permissive and overly relaxed. And children raised in families that are either end of this continuum tend to fight more. When parents are very strict and rigid, and use overly harsh discipline or corporal punishment, the children tend to fight more with their siblings and when they can get away with it, because their aggression has also been modeled for them.Children raised in homes where parents are very permissive or neglectful. They don't feel that they get enough attention and don't have rules to guide their behavior. So they tend to also fight more.

So in the middle of these two extremes is the positive discipline family when parents can practice kind and firm parenting, and as a PD parent, you have the opportunity to be respectful to the child's individual needs. Treat children as unique and special people，foster cooperation rather than competition, and encourage a positive and loving connection within the entire family. And but one of the best ways to practice this is with family meetings. One of the first steps is giving and receiving compliments. And this really helps create the connection between your children and will also take them to the next step of problem solving and focusing on solutions.

And we are always talking about that. And so practicing in weekly family meetings is a great way and a faster way for your children to become fluent. And so as a reminder, we’re never focusing on blame. Instead, we're always focusing on solutions. The positive discipline approach to parenting helps to promote your children, to have more confidence, accountability, responsibility, and overall high self esteem. All of these qualities, in turn will have an impact on your children relationships with one another, and there will be less need to compete or for there to for them to fight for love or your attention and your respect, or to prove their worth by degenerating their brother or sister.

So I mentioned that we need to discuss problem exploration in conflict resolution. How do we teach our children to problem solve? This is another invaluable tool that you can teach your children. That is going to help them with conflict resolution and problem solving. At first, when they're young, you will have to help walk them through the whole process after each conflict and in time, they will be able to resolve their own conflicts with their siblings and others on their own. I'm going to redo that in time. They will be able to resolve their conflicts with their siblings and others on their own.

This process involves both children being calm, usually after some cool off time. I'm a start over to start this process.It involves both of your children being calm. This is going to happen after a cool off time. Then each child expressing his point of view, and then listening to the other child's point of view, focusing on brainstorming and a number of possible solutions that would work for them. And then by choosing one of the solutions and trying it, it's important to maybe introduce a talking stick or come up with agreements ahead of time to each child feels heard and has the opportunity to share without interruption.

When you practice a skill that's gonna help your children learn to navigate through those relationships with their peers. And it's also gonna be helpful throughout their entire life. They learn how to express themselves and ask for what they need. And then it makes them feel more competent and capable as they see that they can come up with solutions to problem solve without criticism, blaming or fighting and having to go to an adult. So please remember that in order to engage in a problem solving process, the children must be calm enough to have access to the rational brain to have that rational discussion.

And so positive time out for everyone may be necessary until your child is calm, or tell your children are calm until you are calm in order to have this conversation. And it's helpful for them that if they are still upset and have a tone that they can recognize that and take more time if it's needed. Remember, we are talking about connection before correction and we cannot correct until we connect. So I remember recently with my son, I had taken five minutes and I came back, I thought I was calm. But he noticed that I still had a tone.

And the way that he approached me was very respectful. But he said, mom, you might wanna talk or think about taking five more minutes. You still sound very upset. And rather than being upset with him, I was able to recognize that is helpful. Even though in the moment I was still upset, it was harder for me to recognize that. But long term, I'm also teaching him that he can be approachable, that if I can take it calmly and actually follow through and take five more minutes, it's going to help him in the future. When I asked him Grace, and would it help you to take five more minutes?

You still sound very upset. So again, another opportunity to model. But Grace and I've had these conversations during a calm time that I absolutely support him being able to recognize when I'm not calm and giving me a loving reminder. So you can model for your children when it comes to handling conflict. Use I messages and see how you feel and then ask for source date what you need use， use cool off times or calm down first, then reenter the situation, give second chances and opportunities to make amends.

Learn from your mistakes and let children know it's okay when they make them. I want to say,  But it's important to remember that we should expect many episodes of sibling rivalry. It's normal and for families to have problems and issues and complex that's all normal. That remember it's opportunity. So instead of blaming yourself or blaming your children and having these unrealistic goals or expectations, remember that we get to celebrate these conflicts and teach our children.

And some of the things that we're teaching them is that they're unique individuals. And we're gonna remind them of this through special time. And we're gonna remember that each person's needs, feelings, and perspectives are all important and often times different. As a parent, we're not gonna show favoritism. We don't compare children to one another favorably or unfavorably. We are also going to stay calm as parents and objective. So stay out of those arguments. They are harmless becoming and even the fighting there most likely won't be bloodshed.

So model seeing calm by deep breathing and walking away as parents don't look for someone else to blame or punish, your children will learn more by working it out and problem solving with each other. Please don't referee or fight with your children. Remember, you don't have to worry about who started it. You simply say it doesn't matter whose fault it is. How do we fix it? Encourage communication and understanding of feelings, help your children to the events, that sense of empathy and respect for their siblings. And they can do this when they are helping them repair or make amends and to help them feel better.

As a parent. It's important not to force your children to be friends. I know that this is, again, one of my fears is that I just want them to be friends as adults. And I know too, that it's going to come in time, especially when I'm not creating victims and bullies in their mentality or their role. And when they're ready and when it's in, it's good for them. And they've gone through a lot of the learning curve. They're going to create that connection. you can encourage them to treat each other respectfully.

And sometimes you might even give an example of what a respectful tone would look or sound like. So lots of correcting lots of modeling, but without any shame or blame. So I'm sure it's very clear to all of you who have listened how passionate I am about this topic. I hope you find it helpful and encouraging to know that you are not alone and that the challenges we face as parents are real. And that's why I'm so excited to share the positive discipline, tools and principles that I know will invite more cooperation from your children, all while learning the valuable skills long term.

And the other bonus is that you get to enjoy parenting rather than feeling challenged in defeated all the time.Remember, please, there's no such thing as a perfect parent, believe me. And especially for me, when it comes to this topic, thankfully, I have all of my positive discipline tools to practice and to remember that fighting is normal and these are opportunities to teach. So thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to learn how to be better parents. In our next lesson, I will discuss disobedience. You say one sentence to your child, and then your child has ten more sentences to oppose you.

Why doesn't your child obey? That's we will discuss next time until then, enjoy the rest of your day. It's always my pleasure to share my personal experiences in these positive sibling tools with each and every one of you. Bye bye.
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