为什么你总是答应别人做自己不想做的事？

你是否经常被迫做自己不想做的事情，一边痛苦，一边又责怪自己当初为什么没能坚定地拒绝？我们为什么常常意识不到自己并没有必要做这些事情呢？来看看你有没有以下两种经历——

When other people tell you to do something

当别人告诉你去做某件事

When other people tell us to do something, we don't always register that, in many situations, we don't actually have to do it. 

当别人告诉我们去做一件事的时候，我们常常意识不到，其实大多数情况下并不是非得去做的。

比如医生让你做一些与你没什么关系的检查，又或者某家公司试图向你推销你不想要的服务等等。

Notice that, in many cases, when you are told you have to do something, it's often presented as "standard" or "routine". Often, you will just be directed to do something without any obvious option to not do it. In this scenario, people often imagine there will be negative consequences of declining when there aren't. 

注意，当别人告诉你必须去做某事的时候，这件事常被认为是“标准的”或者“常规的”。很多时候，人们只是告诉你去做某事，且不会给出明显的可以拒绝的选择。如此一来，你会认为拒绝执行可能带来消极的后果，但实际上并不会这样。

When you tell yourself you have to do something

当你告诉自己必须做某件事时

我们有时会对别人的要求感到不满，但实际上，迫于周围的环境，我们有时也会给自己施压，告诉自己：“你必须这么做！” 

例如，在工作场合，你是否也时常感觉自己被“卷”到呢？

In career contexts, we often buy into social norms. For example, some people have the assumption that overworking is necessary for success. Even if you don't personally buy into that assumption, it can be hard to resist thinking you need to copy their behavior. 

在职场中，我们常常受制于社交规范。例如，其他人认为过度工作是成功的必要条件。即使你个人并不认同这种假设，你也很难不去模仿他们的行为。

那么，我们究竟怎样才能避免做这些自己根本没有必要做的事情呢？以下是一些小建议，速来查收！

Practice declining

练习拒绝

The more commonly you decline things, the more natural it will feel. The more you decline things, the more you'll see opportunities to decline things. If you're scared, you can start with declining things that don't matter much. The more you practice declining, the more skilled you'll become at noticing beneficial opportunities to do so and at handling people's reactions and objections.

你拒绝的事情越多，你对“拒绝”这件事就感到越自然，也越能看到拒绝的机会。如果你对此感到不安，你可以从拒绝那些不太重要的事情开始。你越练习拒绝，你就越能发现这样做的有利机会，也能越自如地处理人们的反应以及反对意见。

Study people with "disagreeable" personalities

研究性格“不讨人喜欢”的人

许多当代人格心理学家认为性格有五个基本维度，它们被称为“五大维度”（Big 5）。在这五个维度中，有一项即是“是否讨人喜欢”（agreeableness）。

For those with disagreeable personalities, being told to do things automatically gets their back up. Therefore, they’re relatively good at noticing when someone is trying to convince them something is mandatory when it isn't. Find some role models who are good at disagreeing and declining.

对于那些性格不太讨人喜欢的人来说，他们不喜欢别人告诉他们应该做什么。因此，当有人试图说服他们去做一件本不是强制必须完成的事情时，他们相对来说比较容易注意到。（所以）找一些善于反对和拒绝的人（来学习他们的处事方式）。

Understand the ways people will try to manipulate you

了解别人操纵你的方式

When you start declining things, you will notice that you sometimes need to do this several times before your "no" will be accepted. You will also notice that the ways people react typically fall into only a few categories. For example, people either just repeat their ask, or they try to invoke fear within you, or they might bring someone else in to repeat the ask.

当你开始拒绝一些事情时，你会发现有时候你需要重复拒绝好多次才会有效果。人们对待拒绝的方式通常只有几类：他们要么会再次重复他们的要求，要么试图引起你的恐惧，或者他们可能换个人来提要求。

Link this behavior with one of your other values

把“拒绝”同你的其他价值观联系起来

If you're more agreeable by nature, you may need to see how declining things relates to your other values. For example, you might strongly value freedom, transparency, equity, justice, inclusion, etc.

如果你天性随和（不善于拒绝别人），你可能需要找到“拒绝做某事”同你其他价值观之间的联系（来帮助你更自然地拒绝）。例如，你可能非常重视自由、透明、公平、正义、包容等等品质。

Try a different default assumption

给自己一个不同的默认假设

Instead of assuming you have to do what others or your own mind tell you, try starting from the assumption that, in most cases, you don't.

不要预设你必须完成别人告诉你的或是自己强加给自己的事情。试着将这一默认假设变为“大多数情况下，我其实不必须做这些事情”。

Part of psychological health is feeling empowered and being able to act in your own best interests even when you feel intimidated.  

心理健康的一部分即是感觉自己充满力量，即使在自己感到害怕的时候也能基于自己的最佳利益行事。

所以，下次再遇到自己不想要做的事情时，请亮明态度，大胆拒绝吧！