《三十而已》：该怎么和“陈屿们”相处？

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【节目的中英文全文可以关注微信公众号Zoey八点英语 回复 三十而已 获取】

最近《三十而已》不知道你们追了没有。陈屿这个角色或许让很多男生有共鸣，也听到很多女生吐槽说自己的另一半就是这样的性格。

陈屿明明是个很温暖的人，他会偷偷帮晓芹装婴儿车，生日会大费周折订网红餐厅，没了孩子偷偷掉眼泪等等，却总是很少表述出来以获取别人的理解。所以就像他的名字一样，活得像座孤岛。

【英文参考】

He has an unhealthy attachment style due to his past trauma in childhood.

He was neglected by his parents as his mother only focused on Chen Yu’s younger brother.

Psychologist Dr. Lisa Firestone says, children who always failed to meet their needs will form an avoidant attachment style. They develop a sense of shame, thinking, “I am not worth paying attention to.” Then they disconnect from their needs in an effort to avoid feeling this shame.

在陈屿小的时候，妈妈似乎只关注他的弟弟，连鸡蛋被弟弟砸了，自己委屈被骂，也只能默默承受。心理学家博主Dr. Lisa Firestone说，当人在童年的时候经常感觉自己的需求没有被关注和满足，就可能形成逃避型的依恋模式。

They may learn that the best way to deal with their frustration at not having their needs met is to act like they don’t have any.

为了回避感觉到这种被拒的“Shame”羞耻、尴尬，他们可能会装作自己没有任何需求，这样就不会体会到任何的失落感。

They want to be in a relationship, but they resist experiencing or showing any need for emotional closeness. They may have a tendency to seek out isolation, emotionally distancing themselves from their partner. They can appear to be more focused on themselves and to value their priorities above their partner’s. They can seem cool, often showing annoyance when their partner is expressing feelings or needs, believing their partner is being “childish” or “dramatic.”

他们想在一段关系里，却不想展示出自己的亲密性的真实需求。经常会想要独处、关注自己的需求要高于另一半的需求、当伴侣表达出了他们的感受和需求，因为共情能力低，他们可能觉得对方太幼稚、太”作”。

就像晓芹怀孕撒娇说想喝酸梅汤，陈屿就只说了句”别闹了。”

But actually they’re just scared of being hurt and feeling shameful. This way, they never let anybody hurt them — even though they end up alone anyway.

其实他们仅仅是害怕受伤、尴尬。这种逃避型的防御机制可能不会让任何人伤害自己，却也很难让别人真正地走进自己。

So, how to overcome an insecure avoidant attachment style?

Berit Brogaard says on Psychology Today that first of all, you need to find out who you can trust and who you cannot trust.

怎么样才能克服这种逃避型依恋模式呢？Dr. Berit Brogaard在Psychology Today的博文里写道，首先要找出那些你可以信任的人。

Maybe you can make a list of your deepest secrets, listing the most unimportant secrets first, which are those people don’t know about but would not destroy your reputation. Start by sharing these unimportant or less important secrets with people you think you can potentially trust. That way, you can find out whether you can actually trust them.

比如说可以列一堆自己的秘密，从无关紧要的秘密开始写起。就是那些不影响你个人声誉的、不那么重要的秘密。然后有机会的时候和你觉得可以信任的人分享。这个步骤就已经很需要勇气了，但可以让别人了解自己更多、让彼此靠近。

And secondly, confront people by speaking up immediately (not 10 days later). Don’t ever change yourself for the sake of pleasing another person. Tell people what you like and don’t like. It’s OK to feel the shame.

第二点，直面问题和人，在当下做沟通，而不是等个十来二十天或者别人不提起的话永远不说。

就像《How to Stop Feeling Like Shit》《如何停止不开心》中作者Andrea Owen就分享过“逃避“这一个坏习惯是如何让你不开心的。

She says that you may have compiled your list: meditation, yoga, follow this person on Instagram, and read all the books. But here’s what I know to be true: that checklist won’t make you happy and joyful. The "answer" — the key to your happiness — lies in connecting the dots from your past to your current behavior and shining the light on things that hurt. It’s about facing the obstacles, working through and processing them, and loving yourself along the way.

你可能会跟着心灵鸡汤博主看一堆书、做瑜伽、冥想等等等等，可做完了发现还是不开心。因为如果你没有直面让你受伤的问题，只是选择逃避，它永远不会被解决。

像陈屿，其实他就算在挽留晓芹的阶段，也只是自己暴吃零食放松，都没有直面问题去做沟通，反倒是他弟弟找晓芹出来聊天帮他哥解释清楚了，不然估计也没有后续了。

当然了，另一方面晓芹也有她的问题，她之前始终没有耐心听陈屿解释，像衣服为什么要分开洗那么小的疑问也都憋着很久不过问，最后只剩下劈头盖脸的发泄。

So if you’re having an avoidant partner, try to practice patience when he or she pushes you away. Communicate with words, not tantrums. Ask for what you want rather than complaining about what you don’t want.

If you chase people who need space, they will likely run even faster or turn and fight. When people with avoidant personality withdraw, let them.

所以如果你遇到了有逃避型依恋模式的人，在ta推开你的时候多给ta一些耐心。用语言而不是情绪做沟通。当对方需要空间，就给ta空间，不要逼对方立马做出回应，否则对方只会可能跑得更快。

Once they realize that they are safe and intimacy will not cause them the same pain they experienced as a child, a healthier relationship may be reaffirmed through time.

当ta感觉到安全，并且知道这份亲密不会像比如童年时期的经历那样带给ta痛苦，一段更健康的关系或许就能慢慢地形成了。

看陈屿和晓芹最后复合了，一方面为他们开心，另一方面也希望深爱着彼此的他们能找到适合他们的沟通模式。

你有没有类似的经历和感触呢？留言和我们分享吧。

【节目的中英文全文可以关注微信公众号Zoey八点英语 回复 三十而已 获取】