一个跨种族被收养者的爱与失去的故事——Sara Jones

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萨拉·琼斯(Sara Jones)小时候被白人父母收养，她前臂上有一个神秘的韩国血统纹身。寻找亲生家庭的经历让她明白，跨种族领养的故事往往把国外的新生活描绘成需要无尽感激的幸运之举，掩盖了一个复杂得多的现实。通过失去和发现的经历，琼斯为养父母如何保护孩子独特的文化和个人叙述提供了指导。

When I was three years old, I was transracially adopted from South Korea by a white family in Salt Lake City, Utah. I arrived in America with a mysterious tattoo on my left forearm. The tattoo was so large and noticeable that my adoptive parents had it surgically removed right away. They were worried that other kids would make fun of it. Today, there's only a light scar where the tattoo once was, so I've redrawn it in permanent marker so you can see what it looked like.
三岁时，我被犹他州盐湖城的一个白人家庭从韩国收养。我到达美国时，左前臂上有一个神秘的纹身。纹身很大很明显，我的养父母马上就把它切除了。他们担心其他孩子会取笑它。今天，纹身的地方只留下了一个轻微的疤痕，所以我用永久性记号笔重新画了一遍，这样你就可以看到它的样子了。
00:35
00:35分
Korean adoption records in 1976 were notoriously incomplete. I didn't have any information about my background or my birth family. I didn't even know if my name or birth date were real or if they were assigned. And no one knew what my tattoo meant. Transracial adoption is where a child from one race or ethnicity is adopted by parents from a different race or ethnicity. In my generation, children who were adopted from Korea were assimilated into the culture of their adoptive parents. So I was raised as if I were white. Growing up, occasionally my family would eat at a Korean restaurant, or we'd go to the Asian festival. But I did not identify with being Asian.
众所周知，1976年韩国的收养记录并不完整。我没有任何关于我的背景和出生家庭的信息。我甚至不知道我的名字和出生日期是真的还是他们被指定的。没人知道我的纹身是什么意思。跨种族收养是指一个种族或种族的孩子被另一个种族或种族的父母收养。在我们这一代人中，从韩国领养的孩子们被他们养父母的文化所同化。所以我从小就好像我是白人一样。在成长过程中，我的家人偶尔会在韩国餐馆吃饭，或者我们会去参加亚洲节。但我并不认同自己是亚洲人。
01:24
01:24分
Looking back now, having my tattoo removed is symbolic of losing a connection with my Korean ethnicity and culture. And I am not alone. Since the 1950s, almost 200,000 Korean children have been adopted all over the world. A growing body of research shows that children experience trauma when they're separated from their families of origin.
现在回想起来，去掉我的纹身象征着与我的韩国民族和文化失去联系。我并不孤单。自20世纪50年代以来，全世界收养了近20万名韩国儿童。越来越多的研究表明，当孩子们与原籍家庭分离时，他们会受到创伤。
01:50
01:50分
My story includes such childhood trauma. I recently found out that my birth mother left my family shortly after I was born. When I was two years old, my birth father became injured and could not provide for my brothers and me. And so my two older brothers and I were sent to children welfare services. And there, someone decided, because I was younger, that I was more adoptable. And so, I was sent to a separate orphanage, separated from my brothers who cared for me. My adoption records say that I wouldn't play with any of the other children at the orphanage, and now I know why. My adoption photos show the picture of a frightened, malnourished little girl.
我的故事包括这样的童年创伤。我最近发现我的生母在我出生后不久就离开了我的家庭。我两岁的时候，我的生父受伤了，不能养活我和我的兄弟。所以我和两个哥哥被送到儿童福利机构。在那里，有人决定，因为我年轻，我更容易被收养。所以，我被送到一个单独的孤儿院，与照顾我的兄弟们分开。我的收养记录说我不会和孤儿院的其他孩子玩，现在我知道为什么了。我的领养照片显示了一个受惊吓、营养不良的小女孩的照片。
02:42
02时42分
Just imagine my culture shock a short and lonely nine months later, as I arrived in America, where everything was different: the people, the buildings, the food and the clothing. As a three-year-old child, I quickly figured out that no one spoke the Korean language that I spoke, and so I stopped speaking altogether for six months. And when I started speaking again, it was in full English. One of the first phrases I said as my parents showed me my orphanage photos was, "Sara sad."
想象一下，9个月后，当我来到美国时，我的文化受到了冲击，那里的人、建筑、食物和衣服都不一样。作为一个三岁的孩子，我很快发现没有人会说我说的韩语，于是我整整六个月不说话了。当我又开始说的时候，是全英文的。当我父母给我看孤儿院的照片时，我说的第一句话是：“萨拉悲伤。”
03:22
03:22分
Children who are adopted often put up emotional walls to protect themselves from being hurt again. I certainly did this, and like many transracially adopted children, there were many moments growing up where I wished that I was white like the other kids around me. Other kids made fun of my eyes and nose. Now, the '80s styles were particularly brutal to me, with glasses that didn't fit well, hairstyles --
被领养的孩子们经常竖起情感墙来保护自己不受伤害。我当然是这么做的，就像许多被收养的跨种族儿童一样，在成长的过程中，有很多时候我希望自己像周围的其他孩子一样是白人。其他孩子取笑我的眼睛和鼻子。现在，80年代的发型对我来说特别残酷，戴着不太合身的眼镜，发型--
03:48
03:48分
(Laughter)
（笑声）
03:49
03:49分
that looked ridiculous on me.
这在我身上看起来很可笑。
03:52
03:52分
(Laughter)
（笑声）
03:54
03时54分
This narrative of adoption might be uncomfortable for you to hear. The narrative that we usually hear is that of a new parent, who is eagerly awaiting a child that they've been wanting for so long. The parents' story is told with love, joy and excitement, and as they bring a newly adopted child into their home, family and friends celebrate and congratulate the parents on their wonderful decision to adopt. My parents' adoption story was like a beautiful blanket that kept me warm. But after a while, it felt like the focus was more on the blanket, covering me and my point of view entirely. I couldn't emotionally breathe.
这种关于收养的叙述可能会让你不舒服。我们经常听到的是一位新父母的故事，他们急切地等待着他们渴望已久的孩子。父母的故事充满了爱、喜悦和兴奋，当他们把一个新领养的孩子带回家时，家人和朋友都会庆祝和祝贺父母做出了令人惊奇的收养决定。我父母收养孩子的故事就像一条美丽的毯子，让我感到温暖。但过了一段时间，感觉焦点更多地放在毯子上，完全覆盖了我和我的观点。我无法在情绪上呼吸。
04:39
04:39分
My parents would say things to me like, "I fell in love with you the first time I saw your photo. My heart broke." They love me, I know that, and I was wanted. But I wish that the only birth story I had wasn't so sad, so humanitarian. I would often confuse love with gratitude, especially when other people would say things to me like, "You're so lucky to be adopted to America," or, "Your parents are such angels to adopt you." To a child, it felt like these comments were constant reminders to be grateful to my parents' charity. I resented that I couldn't tell these adults, "I don't like being reminded all the time that I'm adopted. I just want to be a normal kid, and maybe even be ungrateful once in a while."
我父母会对我说：“我第一次看到你的照片就爱上你了。我的心都碎了，“他们爱我，我知道，我是被人要的。但我希望我唯一的出生故事不是那么悲伤，那么人道。我常常把爱和感激混淆起来，尤其是当别人对我说“你真幸运被领养到美国”或“你的父母是如此的天使，收养了你。”对一个孩子来说，这些评论总是在提醒我要感激父母的慈善。我很气愤我不能告诉这些成年人，“我不喜欢被人一直提醒我是被领养的。我只想做一个普通的孩子，也许偶尔会忘恩负义。”
05:35
05:35分
(Laughter)
（笑声）
05:37
05时37分
But I learned to smile without really smiling, and as I grew older, I wanted to be able to say, "Sara is still sad." But I buried my feelings, and it wasn't until later in life that I realized I'd never really grieved my own adoption.
但我学会了微笑而不是真正的微笑，随着年龄的增长，我想能够说，“萨拉仍然很伤心。”但我掩藏了我的感情，直到晚年我才意识到我从未真正为自己的收养感到悲伤。
05:55
05:55
05:55分
While many of us understand that adopting a child from a different race, culture or country is never simple, we rarely acknowledge the complex emotions that children who are adopted can experience. Some children experience feelings of loss, feelings of rejection, grief, shame, guilt, challenges with identity, difficulty with intimacy and control issues. Just ask my kids.
虽然我们很多人都明白，收养来自不同种族、文化或国家的孩子绝非易事，但我们很少承认被领养的孩子所经历的复杂情感。有些孩子会感到失落、被拒绝、悲伤、羞耻、内疚、认同感挑战、亲密感困难和控制问题。问问我的孩子。
06:24
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(Laughter)
（笑声）
06:25
06:25分
Children who are adopted can still love their adoptive parents at the same time as experiencing these complex emotions. And many of us wonder: If we had had safe emotional spaces to own our own stories when we were younger, would we still be struggling to come to terms with adoption as adults? Where do we find the emotional oxygen to own our own stories?
被领养的孩子在经历这些复杂情绪的同时，仍然可以爱他们的养父母。我们中的许多人都在想：如果我们年轻时有安全的情感空间来拥有自己的故事，我们成年后还会挣扎着接受收养吗？我们从哪里找到情感的氧气来拥有自己的故事？
06:55
06:55分
Since the late 1990s and early 2000s, researchers like Dr. Richard Lee have focused on different parenting techniques for transracial adoption. The hope is to help children and their adoptive parents better adapt to their unique racial and ethnic circumstances. There's more enculturation encouraged, that exposes children to the people, places, languages and culture of their birth families. Some parents focus on racial inculcation to specifically work with their children on the racism and discrimination that they will experience outside of the home. And some parents allow children to choose as they get older the level of exposure to the culture of their birth families. Now, we might look at these signs of progress and think we've got it all figured out when it comes to transracial adoption.
从上世纪90年代末到21世纪初，像李泽楷博士这样的研究人员一直致力于研究不同的跨种族收养方法。希望能帮助孩子和他们的养父母更好地适应他们独特的种族和民族环境。鼓励更多的文化融合，让孩子接触到他们出生家庭的人、地方、语言和文化。有些父母注重种族主义的灌输，特别是与他们的孩子合作，让他们了解他们将在家外经历的种族主义和歧视。一些父母允许孩子随着年龄的增长，选择与出生家庭文化接触的程度。现在，我们可能会看到这些进步的迹象，并认为在跨种族收养问题上，我们已经把一切都搞清楚了。
07:45
07:45分
The Korean adoptees were the first massive wave of international adoptions, almost 30 years earlier than most other countries, and so there are entire generations of Korean adoptees -- from children all the way to adults in their 70s -- dealing with the impact of their assimilation, and there have only been a handful of studies that follow transracial adoptees over a lifetime.
韩国被收养者是第一次大规模的国际收养浪潮，比大多数其他国家早了近30年，因此，整整一代的韩国被收养者——从儿童一直到70多岁的成年人——都在处理被同化的影响，而且只有少数几个研究是关于跨种族领养者一生的。
08:13
08时13分
I know that people around me could not understand my adoption grief. Rachel Rostad, another Korean adoptee, expressed what I was feeling when she said, "Loss is especially confusing to measure when it appears as if I haven't lost anything at all. It's not missing like an organ. It's missing like wherever dreams go when you blink awake into the morning light." Every year, hundreds of South Korean adoptees search for their birth families. Korean agencies report that less than 15 percent are successful.
我知道我周围的人无法理解我收养孩子的悲伤。另一位韩国领养人瑞秋·罗斯塔德（Rachel Rostad）表达了我的感受，她说：“当我看起来好像什么都没有失去的时候，衡量损失尤其令人困惑。它不会像器官一样丢失。当你在晨曦中一闪而醒时，它就像梦境中的任何地方一样消失了。“每年，成百上千的韩国领养者在寻找他们的亲生家庭。韩国机构报告说，成功率不到15%。
08:51
08:51
Last year, I found my Korean birth family in just three months. I posted a photo of my redrawn tattoo on social media, which Korean groups generously shared. And a friend of my brother saw the photo, and he knew instantly what the tattoo meant. When my father decided to send us to children welfare services, he was worried that we would be separated and even adopted into foreign countries. And so he took the unusual step to place a large tattoo on each of our arms and on his own, so that we could find each other someday. And he tried searching for me. And he was right: the tattoo did eventually lead me to find the family that I had lost. Unfortunately, he passed away nine years before he could see his children reunited.
去年，我在短短三个月内就找到了我在韩国出生的家庭。我在社交媒体上贴了一张我重新画的纹身照片，韩国团体慷慨地分享了这张照片。我哥哥的一个朋友看到了这张照片，他立刻明白了纹身的含义。当我父亲决定把我们送到儿童福利机构时，他担心我们会被分开，甚至被领养到国外。所以他采取了不寻常的一步，在我们的每一只手臂上和他自己身上都纹了一个大大的纹身，这样我们就能在某一天找到对方。他想找我。他是对的：纹身最终让我找到了我失去的家人。不幸的是，9年前他就去世了，那时他还没看到孩子们团聚。
09:51
09:51
But last year, I traveled to Korea to meet my two older brothers, my aunt and uncle, and I learned a lot of new things about myself, including my real birth date, which actually makes me seven months older.
但是去年，我去韩国见了我的两个哥哥，我的姑姑和叔叔，我了解了很多关于我自己的新东西，包括我真实的出生日期，这实际上让我大了7个月。
10:07
This middle-aged woman did not love hearing that she is older.
这个中年妇女不喜欢听到她年纪大了。
10:12
And that explains all those gifted and talented classes I had in school.
这也解释了我在学校里的那些天才班。
10： 21
But the most important thing that I learned was that I had a loving family in Korea who remembered me as a little baby and had never forgotten me. I wasn't abandoned, like my adoption records said. I was wanted.
但我学到的最重要的一点是，我在韩国有一个充满爱心的家庭，他们记得我还是个小婴儿，从来没有忘记过我。我没有被遗弃，就像我的领养记录所说的那样。我被通缉了。
10:43
It's time to reframe our views on adoption. A healthy adoption ecosystem is one in which children, adoptive families and birth families each own their unique stories. When these narratives are placed side by side, it creates better empathy and policies for the lives that adoption impacts. Here are two things that adults can do to better protect adopted children's stories.
是时候重新审视我们对收养的看法了。健康的收养生态系统是指儿童、领养家庭和出生家庭各自拥有自己独特的故事。当这些叙述被并排放置时，它为收养所影响的生活创造了更好的同理心和政策。为了更好地保护被收养儿童的故事，成年人可以做两件事。
11:12
First, give children safe emotional spaces to express their emotions, both positive and negative. Phrases such as "tell me more," "what do you wish for" and "those feelings are normal" are ways that parents can grant emotional oxygen to their children.
首先，给孩子们安全的情感空间来表达他们的积极和消极情绪。诸如“告诉我更多”、“你希望什么”和“那些感觉是正常的”这样的短语是父母给孩子们提供情感氧气的方式。
11:34
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Second, validate a child's adoption story. Children may express emotions that may feel hurtful or worry an adoptive parent. As a parent, work to hold and manage your fears separately from your child. Always acknowledge your child's story as valid and important.
第二，验证一个孩子的收养故事。孩子们可能会表达出伤害或担心养父母的情绪。作为一个家长，要把你的恐惧和你的孩子分开。一定要承认你孩子的故事是有效和重要的。

11:57
Now, it's natural to want to protect children from experiencing pain. But my tattoo is a poignant reminder that every adoption starts with loss, and every child is affected differently. Children who are adopted can live full, rich lives, as we accept and build upon this unique set of cards that we were dealt. And as you listen to our narratives with empathy, you will hear other things as well: childlike curiosity, grace, resilience, courage, love and yes, even gratitude.
现在，想要保护孩子免受痛苦是很自然的。但我的纹身是一个令人心酸的提醒，每次收养都是从失去开始的，每个孩子受到的影响都不一样。被领养的孩子们可以过上充实而丰富的生活，因为我们接受并建立在我们得到的这套独特的卡片上。当你带着同理心聆听我们的叙述时，你也会听到其他的东西：孩子般的好奇心、优雅、韧性、勇气、爱，当然，甚至还有感激之情。
12:41
12： 41
Thank you.
谢谢您。