Trevor Noah | 字幕 A 100-Year-Old Knight & A Possible Parallel Universe

All across America, millions of people

have been receiving stimulus checks from the government

to help them through this tough time.

Some people use the money for rent.

Some people use it for groceries.

Some people use it to rent groceries.

I don't know how that works, but they say it saves money.

But one woman decided to use her check

to lift other peoples' spirits.

REPORTER: And a New York woman collaborated with

the New Orleans Jazz Orchestra to put on a stimulus serenade

for frontline hospital workers and —— patients

in New Orleans.

Emily Bauman used her stimulus money

to pay for the out-of-work musicians

while offering a morale boost to health care workers.

She's hoping to inspire others to conduct similar concerts.

Amazing. She used her stimulus check

to hire out-of-work musicians

and honor New Orleans health care workers

in one fell swoop.

That is such a beautiful gesture.

Although it was a little inappropriate

when they threw beads at the nurses.

Also, I hope the surgeons couldn't hear the music outside.

'Cause I don't know if you've been to New Orleans,

but those bands are really good.

Like, you can't resist dancing.

All right, nurse, I'm gonna make the incision.

-Now, if everybody can just...

Oh!

Oh!

I actually tried this in South Africa

and it didn't really work.

Yeah, I hired a vuvuzela group

to honor the health care workers, but all that happened

was the patients left the hospital saying

they'd take their chances with corona.

And I also love that they honored

their health care workers with live jazz,

'cause what's more New Orleans than live jazz, you know?

This would be like if Philadelphians

entertained their nurses with a fistfight outside a Wawa.

It's so authentic.

Of course, that free concert is only one of many stories

we've heard about ordinary people

trying to honor health care workers.

In fact, one big story that went viral last month

was from the U.K., where a 100-year-old man

raised $40 million doing a charity walk in his garden.

And now the U.K. is saying to him,

"Good on you, chap."

REPORTER: A 100-year-old veteran in Great Britain

will receive a knighthood.

He'll be knighted for helping frontline workers

during the corona pandemic.

Captain Tom Moore raised more than $40 million

for Britain's National Health Service by just walking around,

walking laps around his garden, using a walker,

like you see right here.

And that effort captivated the nation.

Aw, this is fantastic.

This 100-year-old man is gonna become a knight.

Which is the highest British honor you can receive,

outside of Star Baker.

And I'm not surprised this man is concerned

with how the queen is gonna handle that sword.

I mean, we all saw how she

stabbed Meghan Markle in the back.

You don't know what she's cable of.

I just can't wait for him to meet all of the other knights

once this pandemic is over.

I'm Sir Tom Moore,

knighted for raising $40 million

for the NHS.

And I'm Sir Mix-a-Lot. I was knighted

for telling the truth about how much I like big butts.

But this goes to show you two things.

One, when it comes to helping, your age doesn't matter.

Anybody can help.

And, two, people in every country around the world

are really desperate for sports right now.

'Cause, clearly, people in England were like,

"Look, it's no Olympics,

"but I've heard there's an old man

"who's walking around his house every day,

which might be quite entertaining."

"Are you shittin' me? I would pay ten pounds to...

£100 to watch that. That sounds bloody exciting."

And, finally,

has this pandemic made you wish

you could be living in another universe?

Well first of all, congratulations on being basic.

And, secondly, here you go.

It may sound like an episode of The Twilight Zone,

but NASA scientists say they have detected

a parallel universe

that exists next to our own.

Using a cosmic ray detection experiment,

scientists in Antarctica say they have found evidence

of a universe born in the very same Big Bang as ours,

but with rules of physics that are completely the opposite.

In our universe, higher energy particles can only be detected

coming down from outer space,

but using a giant balloon-like object, the scientists

detected similar particles coming up out of the earth,

implying the particles are actually

traveling backward in time.

Okay, this is just insane.

Scientists say that they've detected a universe--

a parallel universe--

that, unlike ours, moves backwards in time.

And before you get all excited-- yes,

Trump is still president in this parallel universe.

The only difference is that in this universe he can read,

which makes him even more dangerous.

But wouldn't it be funny if, in the other universe,

everything is, like, a weird kind of backwards?

So Trump hates Ivanka but he wants to bang Eric.

Yeah, we haven't forgot.

Actually, the more I think about it,

imagine how great it would be to live in a parallel universe

where time is going backwards.

I mean, who wouldn't love that?

Corona goes away. Trump goes away.

President Obama comes back-- it's amazing!

Oh, shit, wait-- now slavery is back.

I didn't think this through. I didn't think this through!

and then Mother came in and tackled the shit out of him.

daydreaming about summer vacation

even though you won't be able to go anywhere?

Then try Zoomstitute,

the first ever substitute teaching service

designed exclusively for Zoom.

Zoomstitute has every type of substitute teacher

you'd find in real life,

such as the inspirational inner city substitute.

You want to know what they see?

They see a bunch of kids playing Fortnite on their Nintendos.

But you want to know what I see?

I see a bunch of future Dr. Faucis.

Uh, except for you, Kevin.

You're probably a Dr. Oz, at best.

The "running 30 minutes late" substitute.

Whew.

Hey, guys. Uh, sorry I'm late.

Okay. That's all for today.

The too-much-information substitute.

So then I said, "Marvin,

"how you gonna hook up with my sister on Easter?

"Hmm. Dressed like an Easter bunny?

"You know what, how 'bout I shove a basket up your ass.

How 'bout that for a resurrection day?"

The "stuck in the past" substitute.

State semifinals, 2005.

I was up a set, 4-0 and 40 love.

And then it happened.

I got a foot cramp.

Damn it!

I should've won!

Anyway, so that's a rhombus.

The substitute who's on his phone the whole time.

Everyone, we, today, are going to be...

going...

The homework was assigned...

Should we be doing something right now?

Yeah, you should.

And, of course,

the "acting too young for her age" substitute.

Nice one. Epic.

Definitely putting that on my TikTok.

Now, you guys aren't supposed to follow teachers,

but, uh, I won't tell if you don't.

All of our subs are available

and ready to Zoom at a moment's notice.

Zoomstitute.

'Cause you've been logged out for weeks.

Oh. Huh?