34（英）How to avoid the scars of your childhood from passing on to child

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你好。 Himalaya’s subscribers.This is Dr. Jane Nelsen sharing more positive discipline tools to help yourchildren develop self discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and problem solvingskills. And tools that will help you increase your joy in parenting. Today, Iwill discuss how to avoid the scars of your childhood from passing on to yourchildren. In the beginning of this positive discipline tool series, wediscussed how children are always making decisions about themselves, aboutothers, and about what to do to find belonging and significance or tocompensate when they don't believe that they have belonging insignificance.

I'm sure it won't surprise you to realize that you also made many decisionsabout yourself, about others and about what to do to feel that you belong andthat you are significant. Those decisions are now serving as your blueprint forliving decisions about what you need to do to find your place in the world. Asimple example that may have an effect on your parenting is the decisions youmade about how you were parented. If you felt you were treated unfairly and toofirmly, you may have decided to do the complete opposite in your parenting andmay now be too kind with your children.

We have already discussed why this is not healthy for your children. Ifthey feel loved, because of your kindness, but don't develop a sense ofresponsibility to feel significant. On the otherhand, perhaps you were spoiled by parents who treated you very kindly, but didnot add firmness to teach you the skills you need to consider other people.Several people have shared with me that they have trouble in their marriage，relationshipswith their friends and in their workplace, because other people don't want totreat them as though they are more special than anyone else.

And they don't feel a sense of belonging when others don't treat them asthough they are special. Just as the mistaken goal chart helps us understandthe mistaken beliefs of children that lead to miss behavior. With this lesson,you will learn about some mistaken beliefs of adults. Alfred call this privatelogic. Our decisions based on our private logic perceptions of how best to fitin to belong in our many social circles started with the family. Some beliefsserve us well in our lives. Others create challenges to our well-being and ourrelationships.

The private logic of children could be understood to the four mistakengoals. The private logic of adults can be expanded through what we calllifestyle priorities or top card. The term top card isused to describe the first card played in the game of poker, or the decisionswe made about what to do when feeling insecure or vulnerable.

And we mistakenly engage in only if thinking for how to belong. Just asthere are four mistaken goals when children misbehave, there are four top cardsfor adults. They are pleasing, comfort, control and superiority. Following isthe subconscious private logic or only of thinking of each top card about howwe may deal with feelings of insecurity. For superiority, the thinking is Imost want to avoid meaninglessness, I belong only if I'm doing somethingmeaningful and I feel insecure, and I react when I'm not accomplishingimportant things and when others don't agree with my opinions about what ismeaningful. For pleasing, I most want to avoid rejection.

I belong only if others like me and validate me. I feel hurt and insecure,and I react when others don't appreciate what I do for them and when they don'tmake an effort to know and to do what pleases me. For control, I most want toavoid criticism or humiliation. I belong only if I have control over myself orsituations and sometimes others and feel insecure and react when I think I havebeen criticized and when others tell me what to do and or resent and rebelagainst my efforts to do what I know needs to be done.

For comfort, I most want to avoid stress. I belong only when I stay withinlimits that are safe and familiar and don't want to do anything that isstressful. I feel insecure and react when others don't want to join me incomfort or pressure me to join their agenda. As part of this lesson, you havereceived a copy of the top card lifestyle priorities, strengths and challengeshandout. As you go over this handout, you can become more aware of both thestrength and challenges of your top card.

Pay close attention to what your challenges may invite from others, becausethis is what it might invite from your children. for example, the challenges ofsuperiority invite children to feel inadequate. The challenge is a controlinvite children to rebel. Comfort invites children to feel annoyed or bored andpleasing invites children to feel annoyed after trying so hard to please youand never can. Being aware of your top card is not meant to give you a label.

It is meant to help you be aware of some beliefs you may have formed andhow they can serve you or they can create challenges for you and your children.Awareness is the first step to change. This does not being changes easy. I'mstill catching myself doing my superiority challenges and my pleasingchallenges. I certainly don't want my children to feel inadequate. So I do mybest to be encouraging.

It helps to know when I have made a mistake and to do my best to correctit. You will probably notice that you have some of the strengths and some ofthe challenges of more than one top card. It is a matter of degree, especiallywhen you are doing only if thinking I'm okay only if I do this. You will neverbe perfect. And your children will never be perfect. But you will all be okayand can keep learning from mistakes. In the next lesson, I will be discussingwhat children should or should not know about adult matters. Until then, I lookforward to being with you again.