33（英）How to avoid loving one child more than another

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你好。Himalaya’s subscribers.This is Dr.Jane Nelsen, founder of positive discipline and co-author ofpositive discipline pairing tools with my daughter Mary Nelson. It is such anhonor for us to be sharing these tools with you. Today, I will be answering thequestion of how to avoid loving one child more than another if you have two ormore children. As the mother of seven children, I can tell you that love canjust keep expanding. As one mother said, I thought I couldn't love anotherchild as much as I love my first child, but I think my heart just got bigger.  

However, even though you can definitely love all of your children withgreat intensity, they will have different personalities, and your relationshipwill be different. Let's face it. Some children are just easier. This does notmake them better, just easier. By nature, they are more compliant. They mayseem to be more obedient. On the other hand, some children are more active andseemed to fight you every step of the way. In either case, positive disciplinetools will help you have a better relationship with your children.

Keep an mind that easier child is obedient to you. They may also follow anddo whatever their friends want. You can help your easier child learn to be moreappropriately assertive. So others don't take advantage of them. And you canhelp your more difficult child learn to be more cooperative with others. Theycan both learn self regulation by creating them using their ownpositive time out places. And they can both learn to focus on solutionsthat are respectful to everyone through family meetings. We have talked aboutthe positive discipline tools of positive time out and family meetings.

And hopefully you will see how essentially both of these tools are tohelping your child feel loved by you and to be more loving to the whole family.The positive discipline tools we mentioned the most is connection beforecorrection. Reminding everyone to take positive time out can be one of the bestways to calm down so that connections can be made. Positive time out is alsoimportant before challenges can be discussed respectfully during a familymeeting.

When we had regular family meetings in my home, we all felt more belongingand significance, because we all had a chance to give and receive compliments.And we all had a chance to brainstorm for solutions to challenges. Even thoughyou absolutely can love all of your children, they may not believe this. Welove to use the candle story to show how love works. There was a four-year-oldlittle girl who was so happy when mommy brought a new baby home from thehospital. But it wasn't long before she started to think mommy love the babymore than her. Mommy spent so much time holdingthe baby. And everyone who came to visit just wanted to see the baby. Mommycould tell that her little girl was feeling jealous. So one day she sat down atthe table with her little girl. She had four candles and told her little girlto watch closely. Because she was going to teach her about love. She picked upthe first candle, and while lighting it with the fire lighter, she said, thisis the mommy candle. This one is for me, and the flame represents my love.

Mommy picked up the second candle and use the first candle to light it, andsaid, when I married your daddy, I gave him all my love. And I still have allmy love left. Then mommy picked up the smaller candle and light it with themommy candle while saying, this is the candle for you. And when you were born,I gave you all my love. Now daddy has all my love and you have all my love. AndI still have all my love left. Then mommy picked up the smallest candle andused her candle to light it while saying, this is the candle for the baby. Whenhe was born, I gave him all my love and you still have all my love. And daddystill has all my love. And I still have all my love left. This is the way loveworks.

The little girl got tears in her eyes and gave her mommy a big hug. This issuch a lovely story to help children know they are all loved. If you have morechildren, you just need more candles. The positive discipline tool of spendingspecial time with each child is essential to help them feel loved and for youto nurture your love for each child.

Remember that special time means you have set aside a specific time of theday to focus with one child doing something you can do for fun. Then when youare busy, you can say, I'm busy right now, but I'm looking forward to ourspecial time. As they get older, it might be a special time once a week. Onefather of six children told me the following story. We had only one bathroom inour house and with six children in such a small home. It was the only roomwhere you could lock the door and have some privacy.

So I put some board games in one of the cupboards and one night a week, Iwould spend twenty minutes with each child. During this time, we would play aboard game. While play, I would ask some curiosity questions depending on theirage, such as how are things going in your life? Is there anything you wouldlike to share with me? What is your biggest goal in life right now? Do you needhelp with anything? Is there anything you want to put on the family meetingagenda so the whole family can help you find solutions.

When the twenty minutes was up, the child who was next in line would beknocking on the door. This father dedicated two hours a week for special timewith his children. Of course, they spent plenty of regular time together everyday, but each child knew he or she would have twenty minutes a special timewith his or her father. As we have said over and over, positive disciplinetools will help you increase your joy in parenting, and it will also help youand your child experience more love. In the next lesson, I will discuss how toavoid the scars of your childhood home from passing on to your children.