chpt 7 Putting It Into Practice 3-1

PART THREE
COMMON QUESTIONS
WHAT SHOULD WE DO WHEN BEHAVIORS CHANGE? (HITTING/THROWING/BITING/PUSHING)
Some babies show strong preferences from birth. Others seem to be pretty relaxed, aside from telling us when they need to eat or sleep—then, at around 9 to 12 months, we start to see them show preferences. They may hit us, throw things, bite, or even push us or another child. They may seem to become strong-willed, not changing their mind regardless of what we say or do.


With their limited communication skills, our baby is telling us something important. Instead of thinking of them as “naughty,” we can ask ourselves, “Why would my baby be doing this?”


• If they hit us, are they telling us they don’t like what is happening? That we took something away? How we are holding them?


• If they throw something, is the toy too hard or too easy for them? Are they experimenting with how things fall down? Learning about cause and effect? Are there ways for them to try this in a way that is not dangerous or disruptive?


• If they bite us, are they hungry? Has something upset them? Are they teething?


• If they push us or another child, can we translate for them? Can we say, “Are you trying to get past here?” or “Were you wanting to play with that toy right now?”


So we first seek to understand.


Then we translate or make a guess: “Are you telling me … ?”


Then we kindly and clearly let them know that we won’t let them hurt us/themselves/someone else/the environment. We may be able to find another way for them to meet their need, e.g., to hit a cushion. And, if necessary, we will remove them from the room or the situation and sit with them until they are calm.


Once they are calm, we can connect with them and model how to make amends if needed, for example, apologizing to a friend, offering a tissue or wet cloth if a child is hurt, or putting back things that have been thrown. As they become toddlers, they will learn to help us to repair any hurt feelings or mistakes.


Early tantrums
If our baby is crying uncontrollably, they won’t be able to hear many of our words. We can offer a cuddle and our love. And stay nearby if they don’t want to be touched. We first want to help them release whatever emotions need to come out, then help them calm down.


Once they are calm, we can give a short, age-appropriate explanation and tidy up with them and model apologizing if needed.


This also lays the foundation as our baby becomes a young toddler and they begin to exert their independence.


Tantrums and having a strong will are important phases of development, and we can be a supportive guide to help them through these—first giving them space to let out the feelings, then helping them calm down, and finally, helping them make amends if needed.


Observation
If this behavior continues, we can practice objective observation to see if there are any triggers causing the behavior. We can then use this information to limit these triggers. For example, we can note if the behavior happens before meals, in particular environments, around particular children, or if the space is very stimulating (which could be a trigger for sensitive children).


When there is difficult behavior, we can observe:


• Time. What time does the behavior happen? Is our baby hungry or tired?


• Changes. Are they teething? Are there any changes at home, such as a new house?


• Activity. What are they doing or playing with at the time of being triggered?


• Other children. How many children are around? Are the children the same age, younger, or older?


• Emotion being expressed. Just before it happens, how do they look? Playful? Frustrated? Confused?


• Environment. Look at the environment where the tantrums happen. Is it busy? Is it very colorful or otherwise too stimulating? Is there a lot of clutter? Is there a lot of children’s artwork around the room, which is possibly too much sensory input? Or is it peaceful and serene?


• Adults. How do we, as adults, respond? Do we bring additional anxiety to the situation?


Preventing the Behavior
By observing, we may see patterns to their behavior and identify ways we can support our child. Here are some examples:


• Just before mealtime. Give them something hard like an apple they can bite into to snack on before they get too hungry (good for relaxing their nervous system).


• Teething. Offer a variety of (cold) teething toys.


• Exploration. Allow them to explore toys with their mouth.


• Environment. Reduce the amount of stimulation to make the surroundings calmer.


• Noise. Remove the baby when we start to notice that things are becoming too loud for them.


• Sensitive to their personal space. Help them avoid situations where they are cornered or do not have enough personal space.


• Playful. Some babies may bite to be playful or show love, perhaps misunderstanding games such as blowing raspberries on their tummies. Show them other ways to be affectionate, such as cuddles or mutual rough play.


• Learning social interactions. If they push another child, they may be wanting to say, “Can we play?” Model words that they will learn over time.


• Check their hearing and eyesight. A problem with either can feel disorienting for a baby, and they may react by being aggressive.


• Transitions. Is the structure of the day predictable enough? Are transitions difficult for them? Allow enough time for them to finish what they are doing. Make sure they get enough free, unstructured playtime.


• Releasing their nervous system. Refer to page 195 for ideas on relaxing their nervous system, such as deep massage or big bear hugs.