我留下來他會感覺更糟

I wanted to be mad
but I was too scared and broken.

I wanted to be strong
but all I could react
was to cry like a weak little daddy’s girl.

I almost didn’t go to Tahoe
but I knew he would’ve felt worse if I had stayed.

I trusted my brother to be there for the post-op
and even convinced myself the surgeon got it all out.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
The day after I returned,
the result of the lobectomy came back:
advanced lungcancer - it had spread.

I got the text while at a work lunch near San Diego.

I managed to keep it together,
smiled for photos,
and ugly cried the entire drive back.

I couldn’t control bursting into tears
at the slightest triggering thought for a week.

I was a wreck.