野生问题第3章 黑暗中（钥匙不在锁头上、不要在路灯下找钥匙）

3 In the Dark
野生问题第3章 黑暗中（答案不在锁头上；路灯下找钥匙；你尚未了解的方面）
当达尔文试图决定是否结婚时，他真正想要的信息是，如果他决定结婚，他的生活会变成什么样，而不是单身时会变成什么样。 When Darwin was trying to decide whether to marry, the information he really wanted was how his life would turn out if he decided to marry versus how it would turn out as a single man.

在面对不同的宇宙时，列出利弊清单是一种尝试想象每种选择下会是什么样子的方法。 Making a list of pluses and minuses when facing alternative universes is a way of trying to imagine what it will be like under each choice.

这似乎是理性的，也是经济学家所谓的预期效用最大化的一种形式——你对未来的预期幸福。 This seems rational and is a version of trying to maximize what economists call expected utility—your expected well-being in the future.

让我们整理一下达尔文的列表，这样比较容易看。 Let’s organize Darwin’s list so it’s a little bit easier to see.

达尔文的清单在“结婚”一栏中混合了正负，在“不结婚”一栏中混合了正负。 Darwin’s list mixes pluses and minuses in the “Marry” column and pluses and minuses in the “Not Marry” column.

如果把这个决定重新整理为选择婚姻的利弊，可能更容易评估这个决定的影响:婚姻的好处陪伴玩耍的对象，狗的进步音乐的魅力女性闲聊的孩子年老时照顾你 It might be easier to assess the effects of the decision if it were reorganized as the pluses and minuses of choosing marriage: Pluses of Marriage Companionship Object to be played with, a step up from a dog Charms of music Female chit-chat Children to take care of you in old age

也许更健康， Maybe better health,

如果妻子不让你太沉迷于工作、有人照顾房子、婚姻的坏处是可能不得不离开伦敦、失去自主权、在俱乐部里不和男人进行聪明的交谈、浪费时间招待妻子的亲戚、浪费时间拜访妻子的亲戚、花费、孩子的花费、孩子的焦虑、来自家庭责任的焦虑、晚上不读书、可能不得不找一份真正的工作来养家、重新整理达尔文的清单让我们更容易看到达尔文 if wife keeps you from working too obsessively Someone to take care of the house Minuses of Marriage Might have to leave London Loss of autonomy No clever conversation with men in clubs Wasting time entertaining wife’s relatives Wasting time visiting wife’s relatives Expense of children Anxiety from children General anxiety from family responsibility No reading in the evening Might have to get a real job to support family Reorganizing Darwin’s list makes it easier to see that Darwin

如果他结婚了，他的缺点比优点多得多，而且很多缺点都是关于失去的时间。 has managed to come up with a lot more minuses than pluses if he marries and that a lot of the minuses are about lost time.

虽然达尔文没有明确地写下来，但他认为最大的缺点是什么，这是很清楚的。 Though Darwin doesn’t write it down explicitly, it’s pretty clear what he considers the biggest minus.

达尔文的内心就像弗朗西斯·培根一样，他担心如果他结婚了，他用于科学研究的时间就会减少。 Channeling his inner Francis Bacon, Darwin is worried that if he gets married, he’s going to have less time for his scientific research.

他将成为命运的人质。 He’s going to be a hostage to fortune.

他的工作效率会降低。 He’s going to be less productive.

他可能不会成为伟大的科学家。 He might not become a great scientist.

怎么办呢? What to do?

我想象着达尔文邀请我去他在大马尔伯勒街的家喝一杯，聊聊天。 I imagine Darwin inviting me to his house on Great Marlborough Street for a drink and a conversation.
过奖了。 I’m flattered.
我几乎不认识他。 I hardly know him.
我只在我们的俱乐部里见过他。 I’ve only seen him across the room in the club we both belong to.
他为什么邀请我去他家? Why has he asked me to his home?
我们坐在他的壁炉前闲聊，试图消除尴尬。 We sit at his fireplace making male chit-chat, trying to dispel the awkwardness.
他问我这周过得怎么样。 He asks me how my week has been.
好吧，我回答。 Fine, I answer.
他想知道我在研究什么。 He wants to know what I’m working on.
我告诉他我在写一本关于决策的书。 I tell him I’m writing a book on decision-making.
多么幸运啊，他回答说——他从我们俱乐部的朋友那里也听说了这么多。 How providential, he responds—he’d heard as much from friends at our club.
他承认他一直在纠结于一个决定。 He confesses that he’s been struggling with a decision.
我笑了笑，现在我明白了他为什么邀请我过来，心里很放松。 I smile, relaxing now that I understand why he has invited me over.
我喝了一口拉弗格酒，他放在高背扶手椅旁边的小桌子上，拥抱着我。 I take a sip from the glass of Laphroaig he’s set at the small table next to the high-backed armchair embracing me.
我保持沉默。 I stay silent.
我想给他一个敞开心扉的机会。 I want to give him a chance to open up.
他有些不安地递给我一张纸。 With some unease, he passes me a piece of paper. 在顶部我看到标题“这是一个问题”。 At the top I see the heading “This is the Question.”
我不慌不忙，与达尔文糟糕的笔迹作斗争，抑制着想说点什么的冲动。 I take my time, struggling with Darwin’s bad handwriting and fighting the urge to say something.
我盯着炉火，试图决定如何回应。 I stare into the fire, trying to decide how to respond.

我应该在他给普里斯特利的信中告诉他富兰克林的《道德代数》吗? Should I tell him about Franklin’s Moral Algebra in his letter to Priestley?
富兰克林与达尔文的祖父伊拉斯谟是好朋友。 Franklin was good friends with Darwin’s grandfather Erasmus.
达尔文的父亲去巴黎拜访了富兰克林。 Darwin’s father visited Franklin in Paris.
也许富兰克林的方法和家族历史会吸引他。 Maybe Franklin’s approach and the family history will appeal to him.
但我担心富兰克林会把达尔文引入歧途。 But I worry that Franklin will lead Darwin astray.
所以我决定不提这件事。 So I decide not to mention it.
最后，达尔文打破了沉默。 Finally, it’s Darwin who breaks the silence.
他想知道我的想法。 He wants to know what I think.
我从火中抬起头来。 I look up from the fire.
我感觉到他的不安。 I sense his discomfort.
作为一个经济学家，在科学巨人面前，我犹豫了。 And being a mere economist in the presence of a scientific giant, I hesitate.
这个人在贝格尔号上的航行中写了770页日记，做了1750页笔记，记录了5436件皮肤、骨头和尸体。 This is the man who on his voyage on HMS Beagle filled 770 pages in his diary, took 1,750 pages of notes, and cataloged 5,436 skins, bones, and carcasses.
他研究藤壶八年了。 Who studied barnacles for eight years.
他在蚯蚓上做了29年的实验，为他的最后一个科学项目，通过蚯蚓的活动形成蔬菜霉菌，并观察它们的习性。 Who did a twenty-nine-year experiment on earthworms for his last scientific project, The Formation of Vegetable Mould through the Action of Worms, with Observations on Their Habits.
虽然可能不是一本引人入胜的书，但我怀疑这是对蠕虫及其行为的一项相当彻底的实证研究。 While perhaps not a page-turner, I suspect it was a pretty thorough empirical study of worms and their behavior.
我怎么告诉查尔斯·达尔文，他还没有收集到足够的数据? How do I tell Charles Darwin that he hasn’t gathered enough data?
和我们所有人一样，达尔文对未来一无所知。 Like all of us, Darwin was in the dark about the future.
更糟糕的是，就像我们所有人都面临着一个棘手的问题一样，达尔文也不知道他周围有多少黑暗。 And worse, like all of us facing a wild problem, Darwin was also in the dark about how much darkness surrounded him.
在她的书《变革的经历》中，l·a·保罗用成为吸血鬼的选择来比喻这本书的重点。 In her book Transformative Experience, L. A. Paul uses the choice to become a vampire as a metaphor for the big decisions that are the focus of this book. 在你成为吸血鬼之前，你无法想象它会是什么样子。 Before you become a vampire, you can’t really imagine what it will be like.
你目前的经历不包括在阳光明媚的时候靠血维持生命和睡在棺材里的感觉。 Your current experience doesn’t include what it’s like to subsist on blood and sleep in a coffin when the sun is shining.
沉闷的声音吗? Sound dreary?
但大多数，也许是所有你遇到的吸血鬼都对这次经历评价很高。 But most, maybe all, of the vampires you meet speak quite highly of the experience.
对吸血鬼的调查显示他们非常幸福。 Surveys of vampires reveal a high degree of happiness.
但这对你有好处吗?你是真实的你，而不是别人的普通体验，一个有血有肉的人，会实时体验这种体验吗? But will it be good for you—the actual you and not some average experienced by others—a flesh-and-blood human being who will live the experience in real time?
啊，不同的问题。 Ah, different question.
你没有这方面的数据。 You have no data on that one.
而获得这些数据的唯一方法就是带着信仰(或者在这种情况下，可能是反信仰)进入《吸血鬼世界》。 And the only way to get that data is to take the leap of faith (or in this case, anti-faith, maybe) into Vampire World.
一旦你做出了飞跃，发现你不喜欢全流质、高血红蛋白的饮食，你就不能再回头了。 Once you’ve made the leap and find you don’t care for an all-liquid, heavy-on-the-hemoglobin diet, you can’t go back.
保罗指出，这个决定最奇怪的地方之一是，一旦你变成吸血鬼，你喜欢和不喜欢的东西就会改变。 One of the weirdest parts of the decision, as Paul points out, is that once you become a vampire, what you like and what you dislike change.
作为人类，你可能会觉得自恋令人厌恶。 As a human, you might find narcissism repugnant.
但吸血鬼觉得自恋很有新鲜感，当他们回顾自己不是吸血鬼时，会对自己的谦逊感到不屑。 But vampires find narcissism refreshing and look back on their humbler non-vampire selves with disdain for their humility.
在决定什么对你最好的时候，你应该考虑哪个“你”? Which “you” should you consider when deciding what’s best for you?
现在的你还是将来的你? The current you or the you you will become?
这听起来很愚蠢，但它与我们面临的许多疯狂问题并没有什么不同——无论是结婚、生子、加入一种宗教，还是离开你从小长大的宗教。 It sounds silly, but it’s not that different from a lot of wild problems we face—whether to get married or have children or join a religion or leave the religion you grew up with.
许多决定都涉及破釜沉舟，进入一个新的体验，它将以你无法想象的方式改变你，包括你所关心的事情，以及什么给你带来快乐或悲伤，甜蜜或悲伤，阳光或阴影。 Many decisions involve burning bridges, crossing into a new experience that will change you in ways you can’t imagine, including what you care about and what brings you joy or sorrow, sweetness or sadness, sunshine or shade.
摄影师杰西卡·托德·哈珀(Jessica Todd Harper)在她的《家庭舞台》(The Home Stage)一书中精彩的家庭摄影集中描述了为人父母的过程:“我进入了一个另类而陌生的世界:一个由我们的孩子预测的世界。 The photographer Jessica Todd Harper describes becoming a parent in her luminous collection of family photographs in her book The Home Stage: “I had entered into an alternate and strange world: a world predicated by our children.
我想知道，在我拥有它们之前，我到底如此在乎什么。” I wondered what exactly I had cared about so much before I had them.”
达尔文的清单告诉我们的更多的是关于达尔文而不是关于婚姻。 Darwin’s list tells us more about Darwin than it does about marriage.
他列出的优点和缺点——尤其是优点——是那些从未结过婚、无法接触已婚男人内心生活的人所列出的清单。 His list of pluses and minuses—especially the pluses—is the list that someone would make who has never been married and has no access to the upside of the inner life of a married man.
达尔文的无知是他否定婚姻的部分原因(放逐! Darwin’s ignorance is part of the reason his negatives about marriage (banishment! 退化! degradation! 懒惰的傻瓜!)是如此强调，他的积极是如此温和(女性闲聊)。 idle fool!) are so emphatic and his positives are so mild (female chit-chat).

注意，达尔文的清单中几乎没有任何东西表明他会和另一个人分享他的生活除了他可能需要的时间和他可能要住的地方。 And notice there is almost nothing in Darwin’s list that suggests he’ll be sharing his life with another person other than the possible demands on his time and where he might have to live.
所有的优点和缺点都与他自己的感受和他期望经历的事情有关。 All the pluses and minuses are related to his own feelings and what he expects to experience.
你可能会认为这是合理的——当然，发生在他身上的事才是最重要的。 You might think that’s reasonable—of course what happens to him is what matters.
但达尔文的清单中没有任何关于对另一个人的忠诚，或爱，或与另一个人在一起的快乐和痛苦，理想情况下，终生不渝，直到死亡将你们分开，这是19世纪的规范。 But there’s nothing in Darwin’s list about devotion to another human being, or love, or the pleasures and pains of cleaving to another person, ideally, for life, till death do you part, as was the norm in the nineteenth century.
没有让别人快乐的乐趣，也没有抚慰配偶悲伤的机会。 Nothing about the pleasure of making someone else happy, nothing about the opportunity to soothe his spouse’s sorrows.
也不知道她的出现和忠诚会对他产生什么影响，除了闲聊。 Or how her presence and devotion might affect him, other than the chit-chat.
与你关心的人分享生活的唯一暗示是这句话“被爱和玩耍的对象——无论如何比狗要好。” The only hint of a shared life with someone you care about and who cares about you is the line “Object to be beloved and played with—better than a dog anyhow.”
一切都是为了他，这也说得通——他从来没有过搭档。 It’s all about him, which makes sense—he’s never had a partner.
他怎么会知道共享生活的力量? How would he know about the power of a shared life?
除了尊重她对住在哪里和和亲戚在一起的愿望之外，这种承担责任的做法没有任何不利之处。 And nothing of the downside of that embrace of responsibility except respecting her desires about where to live and spending time with her relatives.
一段糟糕的婚姻会带来无形的代价，因为失去自主权而陷入困境。 Nothing about the intangible costs that a bad marriage can bring, of being trapped by the loss of autonomy.
陷入糟糕婚姻的人失去的不仅仅是随时想工作就工作的能力。 People who feel trapped in a bad marriage lose more than the ability to work whenever they want.
这不仅仅是因为你想看电影，而你的配偶不喜欢，或者在决定度假时更喜欢山而不是海滩。 It’s not just that you want to watch movies that your spouse doesn’t like or prefer the mountains to the beach when deciding on a vacation.
如果你有一段糟糕的婚姻，后悔的感觉会压倒你所做的和经历的一切。 A feeling of regret can overwhelm all that you do and experience if you have a bad marriage.
达尔文的清单借鉴了婚姻的外在生活。 Darwin’s list draws on the outer life of marriage.
就像一个人在街灯的灯光下寻找丢失的钥匙一样，达尔文的清单借鉴了他年轻时在相对正式的场合不可避免地与已婚夫妇短暂接触时可能观察到的情况。 Like the person looking for lost keys under the glow of a streetlight, Darwin’s list draws on what he might have observed as a young man in what were inevitably brief encounters with married couples in relatively formal settings.
这样的遭遇并非无关紧要。 Such encounters aren’t irrelevant.
但是，对于局外人来说，婚姻中可见的部分只是婚姻经历的一小部分。 But the part of a marriage that is visible to an outsider is such a small part of the experience.
大多数已婚夫妇在其他人在场的情况下，不太可能争吵或暴露他们关系中的缺陷。 Most married couples in the presence of others are much less likely to bicker or expose the flaws in their relationship.
更大的谜团不是当夫妻可以自由地做自己时关起门来都发生了什么，而是当已婚男女闭上眼睛反思婚姻如何改变他们的自我意识，以及这种自我意识如何在他们的生活经历中产生涟漪时，到底发生了什么。 The bigger mystery isn’t what goes on behind closed doors when couples are free to be themselves, but rather what happens behind closed eyes when married men or women reflect on how marriage alters their sense of self and how that sense of self ripples through the rest of their experience of life.
和一对已婚夫妇共进一顿愉快的晚餐可以告诉你这对夫妇是如何相处的，他们是否幸福。 Joining a married couple for a pleasant dinner may tell you something of how the couple gets along and whether they are happy.
但你几乎无法接触到他们的内心世界。 But you have little access to their inner life.
这个隐藏的内心世界创造了一种不对称，当我们试图想象我们将生活的世界时，如果我们要在黑暗中跳跃，面对一个棘手的问题。 This hidden inner world creates an asymmetry as we try to imagine the world we’ll be living in if we are to make the leap in the dark when facing a wild problem.
就像我的朋友和他的妻子试图决定是否要孩子一样，未来是不透明的，而且未来的很大一部分是不可想象的。 Like my friend and his wife trying to decide whether to have children, the future is opaque and a good chunk of that future is simply unimaginable.
当你单身时，结婚和为人父母似乎有很多限制，而回报却很少。 When you are single, marriage and becoming a parent look like a lot of restrictions with little to be gained in return.

【5天冥想课程】
大约五年前，我决定参加一个几乎完全在沉默中度过的为期五天的冥想静修。 About five years ago, I decided to attend a five-day meditation retreat that was spent almost entirely in silence. 我担心自己是否有能力连续五天保持沉默。 I worried about my ability to stay silent for all five days. 我担心沉默会给我的心灵带来压力。 I worried about the stress of silence on my psyche. 我能五天不查邮件吗? Would I be able to go without checking email for five days? 我以前从未冥想过。 And I had never meditated before. 我能坐在地板上或椅子上，几乎不动，一次四十五分钟，一天多次，沉默吗? Would I be able to sit on the floor or on a chair, nearly motionless for forty-five minutes at a time, multiple times a day, in silence? 随着静修日期的临近，我怀疑自己是否有能力坚持整整五天。 As the date for the retreat approached, I wondered about my ability to stick with the program for the full five days. 当我们到达时，我们被要求在冥想期间不要以任何方式与其他参与者接触。 When we arrived, we were asked not to engage with the other participants in any way during the meditation sessions. 如果有人哭了——有些人，包括我自己，有时也会哭——我们被告知不要安慰他们，也不要问他们是否还好。 If someone was crying—and people, including myself, cried during those sessions at times—we were told not to comfort them or ask them if they were all right. 吃饭时，我们静静地坐着。 At meals, we sat in silence. 如果你 If you

如果你想要盐、胡椒或水，你不可以做手势让人递过去; wanted the salt or pepper or water, you were not allowed to gesture to have them passed; 你站起来，得到了你想要的。 you got up and got what you wanted. 如果你在大厅里从某人身边走过，你不能有眼神交流或向他们致意。 If you walked by someone in the hall, you were not to make eye contact or acknowledge them. 听起来有趣吗? Sound like fun? 它不是。 It wasn’t. 但这却是我一生中最非凡的经历之一。 But it turned out to be one of the most extraordinary experiences of my life. 从那以后，我做过两次同样的静修。 I’ve done the same retreat twice since then. 我发现它在情感上压倒一切。 I found it emotionally overwhelming. 它改变了我对很多事情的看法，尤其是对自己的看法。 It changed the way I think about many things but especially myself. 它软化了我，这种方式在静修结束后很长一段时间里一直陪伴着我。 It softened me in ways that have stayed with me long after the retreat ended. 当我告诉别人我的经历时，一个常见的反应是“我做不到。” When I tell people about the experience, a frequent reaction is “I couldn’t do it. 五天之内不许说话。 No talking for five days. 我会疯掉的。” I’d go crazy.” 我告诉他们，“不说话”是最简单的部分。 I tell them that the “not talking” was the easiest part. 事实上，这是一种难以置信的自由。 It was in fact incredibly liberating. 随着日子一天天过去，在沉默中度过的时光变得越来越强烈，越来越有力量。 As the days passed, the time spent in silence became more intense, more powerful. 那五天我清醒的生活有一种难以用言语形容的质感和滋味。 My waking life in those five days had a texture and savor to it that is hard to put into words. 但有时也令人兴奋，完全不像我以前经历过的任何事情。 But at times it was exhilarating and nothing like anything I’d experienced before. 你可能想知道，在决定去之前，我也是蒙在鼓里的，我是如何毅然决然地去参加的。 You may be wondering how I made the leap to attend given that before deciding to go, I, too, was in the dark. 我女儿也参加过类似的活动，她认为我可能会喜欢并从中受益。 My daughter, having attended similar events, thought I might enjoy it and benefit from it. 在去之前，我和其他参加过类似活动的人交谈，问他们是否欣赏这种活动的长期影响，他们告诉我是的。 Before going, I spoke to others who had attended a similar event and asked if there were any long-term effects they appreciated, and they told me yes. 因此，一方面是为了通过体验女儿所经历的事情来接近她，另一方面是为了我希望对我有好处，我决定去。 So partly to get closer to my daughter by experiencing something she had experienced, and partly for what I hoped would be good for me, I decided to go. 但我事先交谈过的人都无法为我描绘出这五天的真实情况。 But none of the people I spoke to in advance could capture for me what those five days would really be like. 我写这篇文章并不是要告诉你应该去静心静修。 I write this not to tell you that you should go on a silent meditation retreat. 我告诉你这个，因为你可能会认为禅修很像一个小时不说话，而是更长时间。 I tell you this because you might think a meditation retreat is a lot like not talking for an hour, but longer. 比如说，因为你在听讲座的时候沉默了一个小时，你就假定你有能力想象安静静修五天是什么样子。 And because you’ve been silent for an hour while attending a lecture, say, you presume you have the ability to imagine what it’s like to go on a silent retreat for five days. 但事实证明，沉默有一种非线性效应——你无法想象长期沉默所积累的力量，除非你亲身经历过。 But it turns out there’s a nonlinear effect of being silent—you cannot imagine the accumulated power of prolonged silence until you’ve experienced it. 你也无法想象，在五天的沉默之后，这种经历会给你带来怎样的改变。 You also can’t imagine how going through that experience might change you beyond the five days of silence. 现在，你会发现忍受5天(或10天或30天)的沉默显然是不理智的。 Right now, you find the thought of enduring five (or ten or thirty) days of silence as obviously irrational.

但如果你不知道你所面临的选择之一是什么感觉，理性是很难定义的。 But rationality is hard to define if you don’t know what it’s like to experience one of the choices you’re facing. 婚姻，尤其是有孩子的婚姻，不能用“不得不与偶尔会要求花时间与你在一起的人分享你的生活空间”这句话来充分描述。 Marriage, especially marriage with children, is not adequately captured by the phrase “having to share your living space with other people who will occasionally demand to spend time with you.” 婚姻不仅仅是经常和另一个人在一起。 Marriage is a lot more than just having to be around another person a lot. 那是有室友，而不是妻子或丈夫。 That’s having a roommate, not a wife or a husband. 如果你和你的室友睡在一起，这仍然没有捕捉到和一个人长期结婚的感觉。 And if you’re sleeping with your roommate, that still doesn’t capture what it’s like to be married to someone for a long time. 对达尔文来说，从外部看，婚姻绝对是关于他要放弃什么。 To Darwin, looking in from the outside, marriage is overwhelmingly about what he’s going to give up. 婚姻确实涉及限制。 And marriage does involve restrictions. 结婚并不意味着你不一定能住在你想住的地方——你可能不得不离开伦敦。 Being married does mean you can’t necessarily live where you want—you may have to leave London. 你不能随心所欲地支配你的时间——因此，结婚可能意味着你不能再像以往那样在秋冬季节的周日看9个小时的足球比赛了。 You can’t do what you want with your time—so marriage may mean you can no longer watch the nine hours of football you’ve become accustomed to on Sundays in the fall and winter. 你的性自由几乎肯定会受到限制。 Your sexual freedom is almost certainly curtailed. 都是关于“不能”。 It’s all about “can’t.” 同样，有孩子意味着什么? Similarly, what does it mean to have children? 更多的“不能”。 A lot more “can’t.” 为人父母意味着你不能再去真正的度假了。 Parenthood is when you can’t go on real vacations anymore. 你不能买你想要的新车，因为它没有后座。 You can’t buy that new car you want because it doesn’t have a back seat. 此外，你还得攒钱上大学，付保姆的工资，买尿布——反正你也买不起你想要的那辆车。 Plus, you have to save for college, pay the babysitter, buy the diapers—you can’t afford that car you would have wanted anyway. 为人父母意味着孩子从派对开车回家后，你才能上床睡觉。 Parenthood means you can’t go to bed until your teenager is safely home after driving back from a party.

【以上是婚姻之于男性；以下是之于女性】
这只是对一个男人来说。 And that’s just for a man. 对于女性来说，这个清单要长得多:怀孕期间不能吃或喝的东西，怀孕引起的健康并发症，分娩时的死亡风险，以及在我们当前的文化中，工作和家庭之间的权衡比男性和你成为母亲之前面临的要艰难得多。 For a woman, the list is a lot longer: things you can’t eat or drink while pregnant, health complications from pregnancy, risk of death in childbirth, and in our current culture, a much tougher set of trade-offs between work and home than a man