Chapter 12

Chapter 12
While Miss Linton moped about the park and garden, always silent, and almost always in tears; and her brother shut himself up among books that he never opened--wearying, I guessed, with a continual vague expectation that Catherine, repenting her conduct, would come of her own accord to ask pardon, and seek a reconciliation--and she fasted pertinaciously, under the idea, probably, that at every meal, Edgar was ready to choke for her absence, and pride alone held him from running to cast himself at her feet: I went about my household duties, convinced that the Grange had but one sensible soul in its walls, and that lodged in my body. I wasted no condolences on Miss, nor any expostulations on my mistress; nor did I pay much attention to the sighs of my master, who yearned to hear his lady's name, since he might not hear her voice. I determined they should come about as they pleased for me; and though it was a tiresomely slow process, I began to rejoice at length in a faint dawn of its progress: as I thought at first. Mrs Linton, on the third day, unbarred her door, and having finished the water in her pitcher and decanter, desired a renewed supply, and a basin of gruel, for she believed she was dying. That I set down as a speech meant for Edgar's ears; I believed no such thing, so I kept it to myself and brought her some tea and dry toast. She ate and drank eagerly; and sank back on her pillow again clenching her hands and groaning. " Oh, I will die, " she exclaimed, " since no one cares anything about me. I wish I had not taken that." Then a good while after I heard her murmur, " No, I'll not die--he'd be glad--he does not love me at all--he would never miss me! " " Did you want anything, ma'am? " I inquired, still preserving my external composure, in spite of her ghastly countenance, and strange exaggerated manner. " What is that apathetic being doing? " she demanded, pushing her thick entangled locks from her wasted face. " Has he fallen into a lethargy, or is he dead? " " Neither, " replied I; " if you mean Mr Linton. He's tolerably well, I think, though his studies occupy him rather more than they ought: he is continually among his books, since he has no other society." I should not have spoken so, if I had known her true condition, but I could not get rid of the notion that she acted a part of her disorder. " Among his books! " she cried, confounded. " And I dying! I on the brink of the grave! My God! does he know how I'm altered? " continued she, staring at her reflection in a mirror hanging against the opposite wall. " Is that Catherine Linton! He imagines me in a pet--in play, perhaps. Cannot you inform him that it is frightful earnest? Nelly, if it be not too late, as soon as I learn how he feels, I'll choose between these two; either to starve at once--that would be no punishment unless he had a heart--or to recover, and leave the country. Are you speaking the truth about him now? Take care. Is he actually so utterly indifferent for my life? " " Why, ma'am, " I answered, " the master has no idea of your being deranged; and of course he does not fear that you will let yourself die of hunger." " You think not? Cannot you tell him I will? " she returned. " Persuade him! speak of your own mind: say you are certain I will! " " No, you forget, Mrs Linton, " I suggested, " that you have eaten some food with a relish this evening, and tomorrow you will perceive its good effects." " If I were only sure it would kill him, " she interrupted, " I'd kill myself directly! These three awful nights, I've never closed my lids--and oh, I've been tormented! I've been haunted, Nelly! But I begin to fancy you don't like me. How strange! I thought, though everybody hated and despised each other, they could not avoid loving me. And they have all turned to enemies in a few hours: they have, I'm positive; the people here. How dreary to meet death, surrounded by their cold faces! Isabella terrified and repelled, afraid to enter the room, it would be so dreadful to watch Catherine go. And Edgar standing solemnly by to see it over; then offering prayers of thanks to God for restoring peace to his house, and going back to his books! What in the name of all that feels has he to do with books, when I am dying? " She could not bear the notion which I had put into her head of Mr Linton's philosophical resignation. Tossing about, she increased her feverish bewilderment to madness, and tore the pillow with her teeth; then raising herself up all burning, desired that I would open the window. We were in the middle of winter, the wind blew strong from the north-east, and I objected. Both the expressions flitting over her face, and the changes of her moods, began to alarm me terribly; and brought to my recollection her former illness, and the doctor's injunction that she should not be crossed. A minute previously she was violent; now, supported on one arm, and not noticing my refusal to obey her, she seemed to find childish diversion in pulling the feathers from the rents she had just made, and ranging them on the sheet according to their different species: her mind had strayed to other associations. " That's a turkey's, " she murmured to herself; " and this is a wild duck's; and this is a pigeon's. Ah, they put pigeons' feathers in the pillows--no wonder I couldn't die! Let me take care to throw it on the floor when I lie down. And here is a moor-cock's; and this--I should know it among a thousand--it's a lapwing's. Bonny bird; wheeling over our heads in the middle of the moor. It wanted to get to its nest, for the clouds had touched the swells, and it felt rain coming. This feather was picked up from the heath, the bird was not shot: we saw its nest in the winter, full of little skeletons. Heathcliff set a trap over it, and the old ones dare not come. I made him promise he'd never shoot a lapwing after that, and he didn't. Yes, here are more! Did he shoot my lapwings, Nelly? Are they red, any of them! Let me look." " Give over with that baby-work! " I interrupted, dragging the pillow away, and turning the holes towards the mattress, for she was removing its contents by handfuls. " Lie down and shut your eyes: you're wandering. There's a mess! The down is flying about like snow." I went here and there collecting it. " I see in you, Nelly, " she continued dreamily, " an aged woman: you have grey hair and bent shoulders. This bed is the fairy cave under Peniston Crag, and you are gathering elf-bolts to hurt our heifers; pretending, while I am near, that they are only locks of wool. That's what you'll come to fifty years hence: I know you are not so now. I'm not wandering: you're mistaken, or else I should believe you really were that withered hag, and I should think I was under Peniston Crag; and I'm conscious it's night, and there are two candles on the table making the black press shine like jet." " The black press? where is that? " I asked. " You are talking in your sleep! " " It's against the wall, as it always is, " she replied. " It does appear odd--I see a face in it! " " There's no press in the room, and never was, " said I, resuming my seat, and looping up the curtain that I might watch her. " Don't you see that face? " she inquired, gazing earnestly at the mirror. And say what I could, I was incapable of making her comprehend it to be her own; so I rose and covered it with a shawl. " It's behind there still! " she pursued anxiously. " And it stirred. Who is it? I hope it will not come out when you are gone! Oh! Nelly, the room is haunted! I'm afraid of being alone! " I took her hand in mine, and bid her be composed: for a succession of shudders convulsed her frame, and she would keep straining her gaze towards the glass. " There's nobody here! " I insisted. " It was yourself, Mrs Linton: you knew it a while since." " Myself! " she gasped, " and the clock is striking twelve! It's true, then! that's dreadful! " Her fingers clutched the clothes, and gathered them over her eyes. I attempted to steal to the door with an intention of calling her husband; but I was summoned back by a piercing shriek--the shawl had dropped from the frame. " Why, what is the matter? " cried I. " Who is coward now? Wake up! That is the glass--the mirror, Mrs Linton; and you see yourself in it, and there am I too, by your side.Trembling and bewildered, she held me fast, but the horror gradually passed from her countenance; its paleness gave place to a glow of shame. " Oh, dear! I thought I was at home, " she sighed. " I thought I was lying in my chamber at Wuthering Heights. Because I'm weak, my brain got confused, and I screamed unconsciously. Don t say anything; but stay with me. I dread sleeping: my dreams appal me." " A sound sleep would do you good, ma'am, " I answered; " and I hope this suffering will prevent your trying starving again." " Oh, if I were but in my own bed in the old house! " she went on bitterly, wringing her hands, " And that wind sounding in the firs by the lattice. Do let me feel it--it comes straight down the moor--do let me have one breath! " To pacify her, I held the casement ajar a few seconds. A cold blast rushed through; I closed it, and returned to my post. She lay still now, her face bathed in tears. Exhaustion of body had entirely subdued her spirit: our fiery Catherine was no better than a wailing child. " How long is it since I shut myself in here? " she asked, suddenly reviving. " It was Monday evening, " I replied, " and this is Thursday night, or rather Friday morning, at present. " What! of the same week? " she exclaimed. " Only that brief time? " " Long enough to live on nothing but cold water and ill-temper, observed I. " Well, it seems a weary number of hours, " she muttered doubtfully: " it must be more. I remember being in the parlour after they had quarrelled, and Edgar being cruelly provoking, and me running into this room desperate. As soon as ever I had barred the door, utter blackness overwhelmed me, and I fell on the floor. I couldn't explain to Edgar how certain I felt of having a fit, or going raging mad, if he persisted in teasing me! I had no command of tongue, or brain, and he did not guess my agony, perhaps: it barely left me sense to try to escape from him and his voice. Before I recovered sufficiently to see and hear, it began to be dawn. And, Nelly, I'll tell you what I thought, and what has kept recurring and recurring till I feared for my reason. I thought as I lay there, with my head against that table leg, and my eyes dimly discerning the grey square of the window, that I was enclosed in the oak-panelled bed at home; and my heart ached with some great grief which, just waking, I could not recollect. I pondered, and worried myself to discover what it could be, and, most strangely, the whole last seven years of my life grew a blank! I did not recall that they had been at all. I was a child; my father was just buried, and my misery arose from the separation that Hindley had ordered between me and Heathcliff. I was laid alone, for the first time; and, rousing from a dismal doze after a night of weeping, I lifted my hand to push the panels aside: it struck the table top! I swept it along the carpet, and then memory burst in: my late anguish was swallowed in a paroxysm of despair. I cannot say why I felt so wildly wretched: it must have been temporary derangement, for there is scarcely cause. But, supposing at twelve years old I had been wrenched from the Heights, and every early association, and my all in all, as Heathcliff was at that time, and been converted at a stroke into Mrs Linton, the lady of Thrushcross Grange, and the wife of a stranger: an exile, and outcast, thenceforth, from what had been my world. You may fancy a glimpse of the abyss where I grovelled! Shake your head as you will, Nelly, you have helped to unsettle me! You should have spoken to Edgar, indeed you should, and compelled him to leave me quiet! Oh, I'm burning! I wish I were out of doors! I wish I were a girl again, half savage and hardy, and free; and laughing at injuries, not maddening under them! Why am I so changed? why does my blood rush into a hell of tumult at a few words? I'm sure I should be myself were I once among the heather on those hills. Open the window again wide: fasten it open! Quick, why don't you move? " " Because I won't give you your death of cold, " I answered. " You won't give me a chance of life, you mean, " she said sullenly. " However, I'm not helpless, yet: I'll open it myself." And sliding from the bed before I could hinder her, she crossed the room, walking very uncertainly, threw it back, and bent out, careless of the frosty air that cut about her shoulders as keen as a knife. I entreated, and finally attempted to force her to retire. But I soon found her delirious strength much surpassed mine (she was delirious, I became convinced by her subsequent actions and ravings). There was no moon, and everything beneath lay in misty darkness: not a light gleamed from any house, far or near--all had been extinguished long ago; and those at Wuthering Heights were never visible--still she asserted she caught their shining. " Look! " she cried eagerly, " that's my room with the candle in it, and the trees swaying before it: and the other candle is in Joseph's garret. Joseph sits up late, doesn't he? He's waiting till I come home that he may lock the gate. Well, he'll wait a while yet. It's a rough journey, and a sad heart to travel it; and we must pass by Gimmerton Kirk, to go that journey! We've braved its ghosts often together, and dared each other to stand among the graves and ask them to come. But, Heathcliff, if I dare you now, will you venture? If you do, I'll keep you. I'll not lie there by myself: they may bury me twelve feet deep, and throw the church down over me, but I won't rest till you are with me. I never will! " She paused, and resumed with a strange smile. " He's considering--he'd rather I'd come to him! Find a way, then! not through that kirkyard. You are slow! Be content, you always followed me! " Perceiving it vain to argue against her insanity, I was planning how I could reach something to wrap about her, without quitting my hold of herself (for I could not trust her alone by the gaping lattice), when, to my consternation, I heard the rattle of the door handle, and Mr Linton entered. He had only then come from the library; and, in passing through the lobby, had noticed our talking and been attracted by curiosity, or fear, to examine what it signified, at that late hour. " Oh, sir! " I cried, checking the exclamation risen to his lips at the sight which met him, and the bleak atmosphere of the chamber. " My poor mistress is ill, and she quite masters me: I cannot manage her at all; pray, come and persuade her to go to bed. Forget your anger, for she's hard to guide any way but her own." " Catherine ill? " he said, hastening to us. " Shut the window, Ellen! Catherine! why-- He was silent. The haggardness of Mrs Linton's appearance smote him speechless, and he could only glance from her to me in horrified astonishment. " She's been fretting here, " I continued, " and eating scarcely anything, and never complaining; she would admit none of us till this evening, and so we couldn't inform you of her state as we were not aware of it ourselves; but it is nothing." I felt I uttered my explanations awkwardly; the master frowned. " It is nothing, is it, Ellen Dean? " he said sternly. " You shall account more clearly for keeping me ignorant of this! " And he took his wife in his arms, and looked at her with anguish. At first she gave him no glance of recognition; he was invisible to her abstracted gaze. The delirium was not fixed, however; having weaned her eyes from contemplating the outer darkness, by degrees she centred her attention on him, and discovered who it was that held her. " Ah! you are come, are you, Edgar Linton? " she said, with angry animation. " You are one of those things that are ever found when least wanted, and when you are wanted, never! I suppose we shall have plenty of lamentations now--I see we shall--but they can't keep me from my narrow home out yonder: my resting-place, where I'm bound before spring is over! There it is: not among the Lintons, mind, under the chapel roof, but in the open air, with a headstone; and you may please yourself, whether you go to them or come to me! " " Catherine, what have you done? " commenced the master. " Am I nothing to you any more? Do you love that wretch Heath--" " Hush! " cried Mrs Linton. " Hush, this moment! You mention that name and I end the matter instantly, by a spring from the window! What you touch at present you may have; but my soul will be on that hill top before you lay hands on me again. I don't want you, Edgar: I'm past wanting you. Return to your books. I'm glad you possess a consolation, for all you had in me is gone." " Her mind wanders, sir, " I interposed. " She has been talking nonsense the whole evening; but let her have quiet, and proper attendance, and she'll rally. Hereafter, we must be cautious how we vex her." " I desire no further advice from you, " answered Mr Linton. " You know your mistress's nature, and you encouraged me to harass her. And not to give me one hint of how she has been these three days! It was heartless! Months of sickness could not cause such a change! " I began to defend myself, thinking it too bad to be blamed for another's wicked waywardness. " I knew Mrs Linton's nature to be headstrong and domineering, " cried I; " but I didn't know that you wished to foster her fierce temper! I didn't know that, to humour her, I should wink at Mr Heathcliff. I performed the duty of a faithful servant in telling you, and I have got a faithful servant's wages! Well, it will teach me to be careful next time. Next time you may gather intelligence for yourself! " " The next time you bring a tale to me, you shall quit my service, Ellen Dean, " he replied. " You'd rather hear nothing about it, I suppose, then, Mr Linton? " said I. " Heathcliff has your permission to come a courting to miss, and to drop in at every opportunity your absence offers, on purpose to poison the mistress against you? " Confused as Catherine was, her wits were alert at applying our conversation.Ah! Nelly has played traitor, " she exclaimed passionately. " Nelly is my hidden enemy. You witch! So you do seek elf-bolts to hurt us! Let me go, I'll make her rue! I'll make her howl a recantation! " A maniac's fury kindled under her brows; she struggled desperately to disengage herself from Linton's arms. I felt no inclination to tarry the event; and, resolving to seek medical aid on my own responsibility, I quitted the chamber. In passing the garden to reach the road, at a place where a bridle hook is driven into the wall, I saw something white moved irregularly, evidently by another agent than the wind. Notwithstanding my hurry, I stayed to examine it, lest ever after I should have the conviction impressed on my imagination that it was a creature of the other world. My surprise and perplexity were great to discover, by touch more than vision, Miss Isabella's springer, Fanny, suspended by a handkerchief, and nearly at its last gasp. I quickly released the animal, and lifted it into the garden. I had seen it follow its mistress upstairs when she went to bed; and wondered much how it could have got out there, and what mischievous person had treated it so. While untying the knot round the hook, it seemed to me that I repeatedly caught the beat of horses' feet galloping at some distance; but there were such a number of things to occupy my reflections that I hardly gave the circumstance a thought: though it was a strange sound, in that place, at two o'clock in the morning. Mr Kenneth was fortunately just issuing from his house to see a patient in the village as I came up the street; and my account of Catherine Linton's malady induced hi