【过年特辑】和亲戚“三观不合”怎么办？

TAGLE: OK, John, question No.3, the last one. Here we go.

Dear LIFE KIT, a familymember has been making hurtful comments during family gatherings the last fewyears. They make comments about someone's outfit or activities they don't wantto do. Once, it escalated when they loudly expressed annoyance at anotherfamily member's disability. I'm not sure how to handle it. Firing back withmatching snark seems like it would only escalate things, but ignoring ordeflecting these comments leaves me feeling like I'm being bullied. What shouldI do? Signed, Had Enough.

So it's one thing if thecomments are being made about you or to you specifically, but in this case, itsounds like this person is just generally being a jerk. So what's theobligation for our letter writer to speak up here?

KIM: I think if the snarkycomments are about other people, I would stay out of it because the environment- the other people also affected by it will - it'll play itself out, right? SoI would not participate in that. I think you're just adding gasoline to thefire. If those snarky comments are pointed at you, that's different. I thinkyou do have a right to protect yourself, you know? And I wouldn't hit back withanother snarky comment because then you're just meeting them where they are,right? And, of course, that can be reactive and explosive.

I would be more curious, andI would say, what do you mean by that? Or if you know this person really well,hey, that kind of hurt my feelings. Like, I'm curious, why did you say that,you know? And this is what most people don't do. Instead of going under, theyfight back and they say, you know, oh, you called me this so let me tell youwhat you are. And nothing gets resolved and feelings are hurt and people justleave swinging, verbally, you know?

TAGLE: At what point isenough enough? You know, when do we draw a line? When do we uninvite? If, youknow, let's say it's our dinner that we're hosting. When do you uninvite thefamily member, or when do you say I'm just not going to show up anymore?

KIM: That's a really greatquestion. I think if the space gets toxic - right? - if it gets - and itdoesn't have to get to the level of people throwing chairs. But if, like, inthis case - if it's mean-spirited - right? - so you have to decide, what kindof space do I want for myself for the holidays? And if it's not your place,then you should excuse yourself, right? If it is your place, there should berules and you should let people know, hey, there isn't going to be characterassassination. There isn't going to be things that hurt people's feelings.We're going to have a good time. You should kind of set the tone in the rules'cause it's your house.

TAGLE: Yeah. I'm hearingthrough all of this, through all of these questions, that you are the keeper ofyour own peace. You have to protect your own peace. You decide - you know,like, you have to set the lines for yourself about what is OK and what's notOK. You don't have to go along with things just because you've been doing themthat way or because your parents say that they want you to. You're an adult,and you can make the rules for yourself. Does that all sound about right?

KIM: Yes, that - I think youhit the nail on the head. And if you find yourself in these situations everyholiday, instead of blaming the family or the people or the whatever, takeownership, you know? What are you doing to contribute to this happening everyholiday season? What do you need to change? What boundaries do you need todraw? How can you redesign this so, you know, you - 'cause you do have thepower.

TAGLE: I like that a lot.

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