老外说——亲人离世，如何从悲痛中走出来？

【老外说】是一档以“采访”老外为主的节目，帮助大家更好的了解中西文化差异，一窥英国人、美国人日常生活。每周一更新。本栏目适合精听/泛听。可做听写练习。

虽然懂得“生老病死，时至则行”的道理，但在亲人离世之时，我们还是会被伤心的情绪淹没，今天采访到的这位老外，经历了丈夫、父亲、好友的离世，让我们一起来听听她是如何面对这些的。

Gwen

How did her father die, if you don't mind?

No, I don't mind at all. He died of a sudden adult death syndrome. So I never really asked many questions. But I did make a mistake when he died. I went to see him in the morgue, in the mortuary （停尸房、太平间）. And for a very long time, that was the only picture in my head, that I had all this time, I wouldn't do that again, put it that way. I wouldn't go to see somebody in the chapel of rest (停尸间), and I wouldn't go to the morgue, because it took me quite a long time to get over that, because it was just really sudden, just no warning. He wasn't ill. I just got up one morning and he passed away.

Gwen

So what kind of illness was that？

I'm not really sure. At that time, because it was so traumatic, I didn't really ask too many questions and still now, I haven't really looked into to what causes a healthy person just to drop down dead. But it's called sudden adult death syndrome (成人猝死综合征), it's not very common.

Gwen

Has to do with brain or heart?

Heart. I'm assuming it’s his heart. But again, like I say that's really an assumption. I expect when my daughter gets a little bit older, she will want to know a few more facts. So that's probably when we might look into it together, I expect. But it was a very traumatic time for us.

Gwen

Was he under a lot of overwhelming pressure at the time?

No, the only pressure that we had, and it wasn't really pressure, is that we had a young child. He was at work and I was at home looking after Imogen. So there was nothing going on that was any more stressful than anybody else. When it comes to people, some people have a heart attack because they are under a lot of pressure and things like that, but it wasn't that.

He did work quite a lot. He was at work quite a lot. So because I was at home with a baby, I was always sort of moaning on (抱怨) him really, that he was working too much. But apart from that, there was no added pressure.

Gwen

It must be very tough to be a single mom after the father died.

It was very, very difficult. I'm very lucky because I have a very supportive family. I've got a younger brother who's 5 years younger than me. My mom is very supportive. And her parents, her voice was very supportive as well, and they have always had Imogen’s best interests at heart, and they're very nice people.

Because I'm on my own now in the house, I’ve had a lot of time to think about things and reflect. I do think it's a subject I’ve probably not dealt with. I think it's probably just been pushed down and pushed down. So now, for example, when last year, my friend Frankie died, she died because she was using drugs. But I’ve known her for many years. So last year she passed away. When there's any death at all around me, it affects me really quite profoundly. And I think that's probably all linked with my own traumatic experiences. My dad died as well. When I was about 21, I watch my dad died of kidney failure. That was really tough because I was close to my dad.

Gwen

You have experienced a lot of death, your beloved one, your friend, your parent. How do you keep psychological health? Because it's, like you said, traumatic, wrenching.

I think that probably to start with, I made sure that I was around people who were going to help me in that situation, but people that were also going through the situation with me. I've always had very good friendships with people. I try and stay away from anything that is negative. I just think that over the years, at the time don't get me wrong, I was grieving. We all were. I started drinking quite a lot. That didn't help at all, because that's not the answer. I don't drink at all now. I don't drink a drop, but I used to. I’ve always tried to be around people and have positive energy around me. I've also had a little bit of counseling, which I’ve been quite lucky to have because that's quite difficult to get.

So I had a little bit of counseling. And probably a lot of self-help. I've pushed myself. There's been times in my life where I’ve felt like that I can't do it, I can't move forward, I’m stuck. But I've always thought, okay, you might feel stuck, but what you feel and what is actually happening are two different things. So you just put one foot in front of the other every day and things will be all right.

I used to attach to everything. I was usually quite fearful. I was quite depressed at times. But I've just managed to deal with that with an attitude of “OK, what you think and what's actually real and happening now are usually two different things” when I'm fearful.So I just try not to listen to what's going on in my head and just do the next thing that's in front of me, and that's how I’ve moved forward.

Gwen

That's good life philosophy.

Yeah, like I say I’ve got lots of self-help books, but it's about positive thinking positives mental attitude. I've had to dig deep inside myself a lot because it's really what's going on inside that does matter. It does matter, but it needs to be dealt with in a healthy environment and in a healthy way with healthy people. So I just try and stay away from unhealthy people. And also another thing that I’ve learned to do is have those difficult conversations with people when problems arise, I try and get any conflict that might be going on dealt with the minute that it starts. So it does stop growing into something nasty and mean and horrible. That's something I’ve learned along the way.

你是否也有过这样的经历？是怎样走出悲伤的？

大家还想听“老外”说些什么？欢迎留言哦

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