040. Alcoholism in children's eyes

A loud bang from downstairs wakes me up in a panic. Oh no, someone's in the house, we are being robbed! I curl up and grab the blanket to cover my face. I'm terrified. What if they hurt me or my parents? I grab my phone to call my mom and just as I do, I hear her voice from downstairs. "Ssshhhh. Dave you're gonna wake up Ella. Do you want her to see you like this? You're a mess! You stink of alcohol and cigarettes. Get a hold on yourself. Go take a shower, sleep on the couch, and wake up before Ella comes down and sees you spent the night down here." I was eight years old that night, the first time I encountered my dad's drinking problem. I'll never forget it. And I wish I could say that was the worst episode I encountered but sadly, there were times where he almost died. 

My mom tried her best to uphold a picture-perfect family and keep me in the dark about my dad being an alcoholic but my dad made that rather difficult when he started going out drinking every week. Still, mom did her best to cover for him. "Your dad's working late again. He's having dinner with very important clients tonight." These were often the explanations for his absence from home while he was out intoxicating himself. I could tell mom was getting weaker and growing tired of living this double life where she had to pretend like everything was ok, to me, to the rest of our family and friends so I decided to tell her that I knew about dad's drinking problem. I wanted to lift some of her burden, so she wouldn't have to keep lying to me. I saw that she was sad and I thought she would feel better if she knew that I knew. But also, I was only a child, there were so many things I didn't understand that I wanted answers to. "What does alcohol taste like? Why does mum always tell dad he stinks after alcohol? Why can't dad speak properly when he's had alcohol? Why is he mean after alcohol?" Hearing her little girl ask all these questions brought a flood of tears to my mom's eyes. She told me the only person who could fix things was my dad. Great, I thought to myself. I'll just ask him to stop drinking and going out and everything will be fine. I'm going to ask him as soon as he gets home. Boy was I naive and hopeful. 

And that night, he didn't come home... And when he finally came home early next morning, he looked worse for wear. He told us he fell on the street. He looked so messy and smelt really bad. This must be what alcohol smells like, I thought to myself. He went to the hospital to get stitches, I remember him tucking me in one night and I couldn't stop looking at his face. Why would he do this to himself? I was so angry. This continued all throughout the rest of elementary school and middle school. He stopped going out every week, but when he did go out it was bad, he was out of control! One of the most terrifying nights of my life was when my mom woke me up in the middle of the night to go to the hospital. My dad got into a car accident because he was drunk driving. He was ok and luckily got away with minor scratches but that accident left major mental scars on me. I could have lost my dad. Why is he being so reckless with his life? Why does he refuse the help my mom has offered him time and time again? To me at the time, it felt like he didn't love us enough to make a change, like he chose the bottle over us and that hurt me so much. I wasn't able to sleep well after that, always worrying whether he would make it home in one piece and fearing the worst. I remember often looking out of the bedroom window in the middle of the night down to the garage to see if his car was parked, that way I'd know he made it home safe. 

Around the time of the accident my parents were arguing more frequently, not in front of me, my mom was still trying to protect me, but our house isn't very big. Through her sobs, I would hear her threatening to divorce him and he would just retaliate with nasty hurtful comments. He really wasn't a nice person at times and I felt so bad for my mom. You'd think after the last car accident my dad would learn a lesson ot two, but no, he got into another accident! He was arrested for the second time and he couldn't drive for a couple of years. Still, that didn't stop him from going out again. And every time he would say "I'm getting better!" That was the last time! I promise!" but those were all lies. I used to believe him, I really hoped each time would be the last time. That he wouldn't go out drinking anymore, that he'd get better. I hated the disappointment I felt when it happened all over again. His words and empty promises became meaningless. While all this was happening, I still had to go to school and act like nothing happened. I had to act like my family was perfect and that I was happy. 

My dad got fired from his job, which added even more stress on my mom since my dad wasn't exactly putting away much savings and spending it all on drinking. But everything happens for a reason and ever since my dad got fired, he doesn't go out anymore. He started going to therapy and getting better. He went to a group similar to alcohol anonymous, he told me that the people he saw, the other alcoholics and drug users weren't who you'd think they are. They looked like average people and successful business people, not some dirty person with missing teeth or something. That made me realise that people from all walks of life can suffer from an addiction. Things are better now, but not the best. My dad has yet to find a job and my mom is in over her head. But for now, I am so so thankful that things are much calmer than they were. I love my dad, I know he suffered a lot with his addiction and I am working hard to bring myself to fully forgive him for what he put our family through. But sadly, some things I just can't erase from my memory as much as I wish I could. I may not fully understand what it's like to have a substance addiction or what he went through, I can only tell you things from my perspective, a child and daughter of an alcoholic. And one thing I'm quite sure of is that addicts rarely suffer alone, loved ones who surround them are also affected. We get scared, hurt, and live with the pain also. If you're an addict and watching this video, I hope my story speaks to you and I hope even more that it gives you courage to battle your addiction and come out on top for your sake and your loved ones.