幸运女郎 英文中篇名著｜第3章

The elevator door opened toward the end of the hallway, and Snuggy stepped out. His eyes locked onto Diesel and me sitting on the floor and widened. “You!” Snuggy said.

Diesel got to his feet. “Surprise.”

Snuggy turned and punched the DOWN button and clawed at the closed elevator doors.

“Cripes, that’s so pathetic,” Diesel said. “Stop clawing at the elevator and come over here.”

“Faith and begorrah, I can’t. My sainted mother is dying. I need to go to her bedside.”

Diesel cut his eyes to me. “Add fake Irish accent and pathological liar to the list.”

“That cuts to the quick,” Snuggy said.

“I have a file on you,” Diesel said. “Your birth name is Zigmond Kulakowski, you were born in Staten Island, and your mother died ten years ago.”

“I feel Irish,” Snuggy said. “I’m pretty sure I’m a leprechaun.”

Diesel was hands on hips, looking like he’d heard this before. “It doesn’t say leprechaun in your file. And here’s some bad news—a closet full of green pants doesn’t make you a leprechaun.”

“I’m Unmentionably lucky.”

“Yeah, and I’m Unmentionably randy, but that doesn’t make me a goat.”

I stood and moved next to Diesel. “I want to know about the money my grandmother found. The money that belonged to Lou Delvina.”

Snuggy slumped a little. “I needed cash, and I heard Delvina had a safe filled with numbers money. I mean, if you have to steal something, steal something that’s already dirty, right? I know Delvina works his operation out of a car wash on Hamilton and Beacon Street, so I went to the car wash just as it was getting ready to open for business. And here’s the lucky part. Everyone, including Delvina, was around back, looking at a broken water valve. The door to the office was wide open. I went in, saw the duffel bag sitting all by itself on the front desk, looked inside, saw the money, and walked out with it. I set the bag on the car roof while I looked for my keys, and then I forgot about it and drove away. I guess the bag slid off when I turned the corner. I came back and saw the old lady dragging it down the street. I tell you, some people have no scruples. I was perfectly nice, explaining to her how I lost the bag, and she told me to kiss off. And then she called me some rude names!”

“She said you couldn’t identify the amount of money in the bag.”

“I hadn’t counted it. I didn’t know how much there was. I’d only just stole it. Faith and begorrah.”

“You say ‘faith and begorrah’ again, and I’m going to hit you,” Diesel said.

“You can’t hit me,” Snuggy said. “I’m old, and I’m half your size.”

“Yeah, it’d be embarrassing,” Diesel said, “but I think I could force myself to do it.”

Snuggy shuffled foot to foot. “Well, anyway, the money’s mine. And I want it back.”

“I think it might be finders keepers, losers weepers,” I told Snuggy. “And besides, Grandma’s spent a lot of it.”

Snuggy went bug-eyed and a red scald started to creep from his neck to the top of his head. “What? No way! I need that money. It’s a matter of life or death. They’ll kill Doug!”

Oh boy. “Who’s Doug?”

“He’s a horse. Douglas Iron Man III. We’ve known each other for years. He was a four-year-old when I retired. He was really something back then. He won the Preakness. Anyway, times have been hard for him lately. I ran into him last week when I went to visit a friend in Rumson. They had Doug in a stall, waiting to get put down. He had a sore on his leg, and they’d decided it’d be too costly to treat.”

“That’s so sad.”

“It’s more than sad. It’s criminal. Poor Doug. He was really depressed. He could hardly pick his head up. He looked at me with those big brown eyes, and I knew I had to do something. So I returned that night, and I sneaked him out and drove him to Trenton. My cousin has a house on Mulberry Street, and he let me put Doug in his garage until I could make arrangements for his leg operation. There’s a real good equine veterinary hospital in Pennsylvania. Problem was, I had to get the money to pay for Doug’s care. When I heard about Delvina, I thought it was perfect. It’s not like he earned the money and deserved it. I figured it was better spent on Doug.”

I nodded. “Makes perfect sense.”

“It didn’t make perfect sense to the guy who owned the horse,” Diesel said. “He woke up missing a horse. And he wasn’t happy.”

“I left a note,” Snuggy said. “I even offered to buy Doug.”

“We have people working to smooth things over,” Diesel said. “Until that happens, you and Doug need to keep a low profile. Doug can’t stay in a garage in Trenton.”

“It’s worse than you think,” Snuggy said. “Delvina followed me to the garage last night and took Doug. Now he’s holding him for ransom. Delvina wants his money. All of it. Or else he’ll do something terrible to Doug.”

“Great,” Diesel said. “It wasn’t bad enough that I had to find a guy who thinks he’s a leprechaun, now I have to rescue a horse.”

“He’s not just any old horse,” Snuggy said. “He’s very intelligent. And he’s sensitive. It hurt his feelings when he found out they weren’t going to fix his leg. He worked hard all those years to stay in shape so he could win races. And then he was put out to stud, and he worked night and day impregnating mares. And it’s not like they were all love matches. Doug said sometimes they were downright cranky.”

“Maybe Doug should have paid closer attention,” I said. “No is no.”

“It was his job,” Snuggy said. “He was caught between a rock and a hard place.”

Diesel gave a snort of laughter.

“You’re supposed to help me,” Snuggy said to Diesel.

“No,” Diesel said. “I’m supposed to remove you from action so you don’t do something stupid and end up on Letterman telling everyone you talk to animals.”

“Jeez,” I said. “I feel really bad about this. I can’t just walk away and let Delvina kill Doug.”

Diesel looked like he had another cramp in his ass. “You’re not going all girly and gushy on me over this horse, are you?”

“I am absolutely not relegating some poor horse to the glue factory just because he has a sore on his leg. It’s a horse! Horses are amazing.”

“Have you ever seen one up close?” Diesel asked.

“Not lately. But they look wonderful on television. And I read all the Walter Farley books about the Black Stallion.”

Diesel choked back a smile. He thought I was amusing. “Do you know where Delvina is keeping Doug?” he asked Snuggy.

“No.”

“How do you get in touch with Delvina?”

“He calls me. He gave me until three o’clock tomorrow to return the money. He said if he didn’t get it by three, he’d shoot Doug.”

“That’s plenty of time,” I said. “We just get the money from Grandma and give it to Delvina. Probably he won’t notice if there’s a little missing. These things happen, right?”

I called Lula. “Don’t spend any more of that money,” I told her. “We need it.”

“Too late,” she said. “It’s all gone. And I’m wearing everything I bought. I’m dressed in my supermodel clothes. And I was real lucky on account of I found that photographer at the craps table and he took pictures of me so I’d have a portfolio tomorrow morning.”

“Uh-oh.”

“What uh-oh? There’s no uh-oh. It’s all good. He spent a hour taking pictures, and he said they were the most fabulous he’s ever done.”

“Did you pay him to take the pictures?”

“Yeah. It was expensive, but it was worth the money. I tell you, he knows what he’s doing.”

“Where is he now?”

“I don’t know. I just come back to the casino, and he didn’t come with me. We took the pictures outside. It was cold, but he said the light was real good. Where are you?”

“I’m on the fourteenth floor. I’m waiting for Grandma to wake up. She wanted to take a nap.”

“I’ll come up there.”

I disconnected and called Connie.

“Are you still at the blackjack table?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t suppose you have any money left?”

“Nope. Lost every last cent.”

“Maybe you’d better come up to the fourteenth floor. We have a situation.”

Grandma’s door opened, and Grandma stuck her head out. “What’s going on?” She spotted Snuggy and sucked in some air. “It’s the robber! I’d know him anywhere.” She ducked into her room and, an instant later, was in the hall with a gun in her hand. She squeezed off a shot and took out a wall sconce before Diesel could disarm her.

“She’s insane!” Snuggy said. “She’s a crazy woman. Someone do something.”

“Must be something wrong with that gun,” Grandma said. “I don’t usually miss by that much.”

“He’s lucky,” I told Grandma.

“I’m pretty sure I’m a leprechaun,” Snuggy said.

Grandma eyeballed him. “I guess that could explain it.”

Diesel emptied the gun, pocketed the shells, and gave the gun back to Grandma. “Do you have any idea how much money you’ve spent?”

“No. I wasn’t paying attention. Randy was keeping track of that.” She looked around. “Where is he?”

“He went to the men’s room.”

“Maybe the leprechaun made him disappear,” Grandma said. “Everybody knows you can’t trust a leprechaun.”

I told Grandma about Doug and Lou Delvina.

“Sounds like a lot of baloney,” Grandma said.

“I’ve got pictures,” Snuggy said, taking his phone out of his pocket. “I took pictures so I could send them to the vet in Pennsylvania.”

We all looked over Snuggy’s shoulder at the pictures of Doug.

“He looks real, all right,” Grandma said. “And he’s a beauty. He’s got pretty eyes.”

Lula stepped out of the elevator and made her way over to us. “What are we looking at?”

I filled her in on Doug and Delvina, and I checked out her new clothes. Spike-heeled gold Louboutins, metallic gold miniskirt, and a long black satin tuxedo jacket. She took the jacket off and she was wearing a gold bustier that wasn’t nearly big enough to contain the girls.

Snuggy was eyeball-to-headlight with Lula, and he looked like he’d swallowed his tongue when she turned to face him. Diesel was rocked back on his heels, smiling. I’m solidly heterosexual, but I have to admit, I was mesmerized by the sight of all that boob spilling out over the gold top.

“Boy, you got some hooters in that getup,” Grandma said to Lula. “I wouldn’t mind having an outfit like that.”

“I was worried it might not fit just right,” Lula said.

“It looks good from down here,” Snuggy said.

“I’m not complaining,” Diesel told her.

The elevator binged and Connie stepped out. “What’s going on?”

I repeated the Doug and Delvina story, and Connie got a look at the photo.

“We gotta rescue this horse,” Lula said. “I can’t take a chance on crappin’ up my karma now that I’m gonna be a supermodel.”

“What’s with all this feng shui and karma stuff?” Connie asked Lula.

“I got my horoscope done, and it said I needed to be more spiritual. I looked into being a Catholic and it sounded like a real pain in the ass, so I’m going with Asian shit.”

“I guess I wouldn’t mind giving my money over to save Doug,” Grandma said. “And I still got my RV, so I’m pretty lucky when you think about it.”

We all trooped into Grandma’s room and waited while Diesel counted the money.

“We have six hundred and forty thousand,” Diesel said to Snuggy. “How much did Delvina say you stole?”

“Eight hundred and ninety thousand.”

Diesel dumped the money back into the bag and zipped it closed. “We’re short a quarter of a million.”

“I went through ten,” Connie said.

“I went through another ten,” Lula said.

“I got a good price on the RV,” Grandma said. “It was only thirty thousand. And I paid some to Randy for guarding the money and driving the RV.”

Diesel was smiling at Grandma. “You blew through almost two hundred thousand and you were playing dollar slots? That’s impressive.”

“Especially since some of that time I was winning,” Grandma said.

“Twelve dollars?”

“Yep. I was on a roll.”

“Delvina isn’t going to be happy,” Snuggy said. “He wanted all his money back.”

“Delvina shouldn’t get any of that money back,” Diesel said. “Delvina’s lucky he’s still alive and walking upright.”

“Yeah, but we gotta think about the horse,” Lula said. “We gotta focus on the horse. How’re we gonna get the horse safe and sound?”

“Why don’t you do something lucky?” Grandma said to Snuggy. “You’re the leprechaun. You’re supposed to go around finding pots of gold.”

“I could, except you need a rainbow to follow, and it was cloudy today. And I can’t do it at night. And anyway, I’m a Polish/Irish leprechaun, so the pot of gold business might not work for me. Mostly, I find it’s easier to steal the gold.”

“I got a idea,” Lula said. “Suppose we take the money we have left, and we let it ride on the craps table. Okay, so we got a half-assed leprechaun, but this is still lucky money, right? I got lucky with it. And Grandma got lucky with it.”

I looked over at Diesel. I knew who had the ability to win at craps. I suspected Diesel could make the spots change on the dice if he put his mind to it.

“No,” Diesel said.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t have to. I know what you were thinking.”

“Now you’re reading minds?”

“Cutie Pie, that thought flashed in neon across your forehead.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to gamble with all the money,” Snuggy said. “Maybe we should each take a small amount and see how it goes.”

“It’s your money and your horse,” Diesel said. “How much do you want to hand out?”

“A thousand apiece,” Snuggy said.

Diesel gave Lula, Connie, Grandma, and Snuggy a thousand and didn’t take any for himself.

“Where’s Randy?” Grandma asked. “I need him to guard my money while I get lucky.”

I called Briggs on my cell phone.

“Yeah,” Briggs said.

“Where are you?”

“I’m with a girl. She’s twice my size and half my age and I’m busy. What do you want?”

“Grandma’s awake and wants to go back to the casino.”

“Jeez, give her a pill or something. I think I’m in love here.”

“How long do you think this love will last?”

“Ten minutes. Twenty, tops.”

I disconnected Briggs.

“Briggs is temporarily indisposed,” I told Grandma. “I’ll hold the bag for you.”

“Okay, let’s do it,” Grandma said. “Let’s kick some behind in this casino.”

“What about you?” I asked Diesel.

“I’m babysitting the leprechaun.”

“Was that sarcasm?” Snuggy asked.

Diesel held the door for him. “You have a problem with sarcasm?”