[Talk show]The Key to Marriage

【仅供学习】

Thank you, thank you very much.
I feel like, we are all connected, so there's a possibility that you are also related to my profoundly stupid cousin Brian.
I'll tell you what my cousin. My cousin he likes to call himself an inventor, which would be really cool except he is not. He just likes to come up with ideas for stuff that would be really cool and has no idea how to make it. Like that's just an asshole.
You know I mean, but he insists on using the word invention. Like he'll be like: 
"Have I told you about my new invention?" 
"No, what is it?" 
"It's a cell phone that drives your car." 
"Whoa how does that work?" 
"You just press a button on the phone." 
"Yeah, dick. But how do you get the phone to do that?" 
"Well, you just programmed the phone." 
"With what? with fairy dust? 
And then he gets mad at me, he'll be like "F**k you, you don't like my invention." 
"No, I love your invention. I also love sliding down a rainbow into a pot of gold. It's not possible, men."
So I told him I have an invention. It's a toilet that sends emails and makes turkey sandwiches. And his answer, I swear to God when I told him that was that's a fucking awesome invention. No, it's not, it's not real, men.
Do you understand how f**king stupid are you wrapping your head around this, right? 
He actually seriously thinks that he could go to a software engineer, and be like: "how about a phone that drives the car for you, and that they would be like~" 
"What the hole, that you just invented that, man. That's crazy. Do you have any more easily?"
"Yeah I got a whole bunch of them. You want to hear any other one?"
"Yeah, what about a shoe that's a fucking plane...."
"Get's the f**k out of here."
"Write them down, write them down. I got a lot of them." 
"I'm a genius, I know."
He's also one of these assholes. Like if we go out to eat, and I order first, I go like yeah, let me get the teriyaki chicken.
He'll be like, "Ah man, that's what I was gonna get. You still can, because we're at a restaurant. I didn't order the last one. Yeah, but then we'll both be eating the same thing. You know what I mean."
"No, I don't know what you mean."
"That mean, I'm eating it and then you're eating it. It's weird."
"No, you're f**king weird." 
"I'm eating it and then you're eating it."
"It's not weird, it's weird, if I go, I'm gonna propose to Kristi, and then you go 'I'm gonna propose to Kristi too', that's fuckin weird." 
Then, we have to have a conversation, like what are we gonna eat at the wedding.
Here's how I can tell that I'm getting older. I'm confusing words that I never confused before. Like it'd be one thing, if you're like oh I've always had trouble these words these are words I've never had trouble with, and now I do. And the two, that I'm confusing the most are conscious and conscience. And I'll even pause now, before I say them and then I'll f**k it up. Like I'll be like I don't want to do that. I'm kind of self....   self Congress about that.
But luckily I have a wife, and she will correct me but in a code. Like you wouldn't know that she's correcting me, but if I misspeak like that. My wife will turn to me and she'll go "are you f**king retarded", and I'll be like oh yeah, "thank you". We're a team.
People ask me all the time, "Tom what is the key to your marriage?" 
"Simple," I say, "intimidation and fear." 
My wife is , and I am the people of North Korea. Every day, there are a series of interrogations, leading to a looming execution. A very question oriented household, like my house is based. She's like, "hey what you doing" "why are you doing that" "why'd you come over here" 【一连串审问，表现M对C的刻板印象】
Thank you guys, you're a lot of fun. Enjoy the rest of your night.