41.镜中的女人

When I was 11, I found out I had a brain tumor. I had surgery to remove it, but the size and location of the tumor caused my optic nerve to atrophy. For three years afterward, I had partial sight, but my ophthalmologist told me that eventually I would go blind.

11岁那年，我被诊断患有脑瘤。手术切除了脑疱.但肿瘤 的大小和位置却导致了我的视觉神经萎缩。3年后，我还能看见 一点点东西，但眼科医生说我最终会失明。

At the end of my 14th year, doctors pronounced me legally blind and said there was nothing that could be done. I had a 5 percent chance of surviving the tumor, and I did, but somehow I could never deal with the fact that I was going blind. I tried to behave as if everything were just fine. When it happened, I was devastated.

快过完14岁时，医 生断言我已经完全失明，并且亳无办法治疗，当时，我患上脑 瘤后，存活的几率只有5%，结果我活了下来，但对于即将失 明的现实，我却无能为力。我努力表现得一切正常，但当它真正 成为现实时，我却绝望了。

My dad left us when I was 15, and I took that really hard. Because of that, and because I was blind on top of it, my greatest fear was that no one was ever going to love me, that I would never get married and have kids and a full life. I was afraid of being alone, and I guess that is what I thought blindness meant.

15岁那年，父亲离开了我们，这简直令我无法承受。正因 为如此，再加上处于失明最痛苦的时期，我最大的恐惧是没有人 再爱我，我永远都不能结婚，不能有自己的孩子和一个完整的生 话。我害怕孤独，我想，这些就是我当时对失明的理

Ten years later, on Nov. 16 of last year, I was cooking dinner and leaned over to kiss my guide dog, Ami. I lost my balance and hit my head on the corner of my coffee table and then on the floor. It wasn't unusual. When you are blind, you hit yourself all the time. I got up, finished making dinner and went to bed.

10年过去了，去年11月16曰，我正在做晚餐?弯腰亲吻 我的导肓犬阿米时，突然失去重心，一头捶在了咖啡桌的一角，然后又摔在地这没什么大不了的，要是你失明了，你也总会 撞伤自己。我爬起来，继续做完晚餐，然后上床睡觉。

When I woke up, I could see. Light was coming through my window, and the curtains were drawn. Of course, I was shocked, but not scared, not like when I lost my sight. There is a big mirror in my bedroom, but I didn't look at myself right away. I wanted to wash my hair and put on makeup first.

当我醒来时，我能看见了。阳光从拉着窗帘的窗户透进来。 当然，我大吃一惊，但并不像失明时那样恐慌。卧室里挂着一 面大镜子，我并没有立刻去照。

I do not look good in the morning, and I didn't want to be frightened. As I was showering, I caught my reflection . And just that left me speechless, really.

我想先洗头，化妆，早展的模 样并不好看，我不想让自己受到惊吓。洗澡的时候，我看见了 自己的影子。顿时说不出话来，真的。

The last time I saw myself, I had short hair, a pale complexion and features that didn't show because I had such light eyebrows and eyelashes. I looked awful, like a teenage girl, I suppose.

最后一次见到自己时，我留着短短的头发，脸色苍白，面 容黯淡。因为我的眉毛和睫毛都很淡，看起来像一个十几岁的 小女孩，糟糕极了。

Now, all of a sudden, I realized that it was true what people told me, that I was an attractive woman. When I stood in front of the mirror, I reached to touch my face.

但是，现在，我突然意识到，别人跟我说 的都是真的，我是一个漂亮的女人。我站在镜子前，触摸着自 己的脸。

That is what I had been doing for 10 years -- it was how I understood -- so it was a natural impulse. It was not until I saw myself that I realized how much my memory had faded of things I once could see.

十年来，我一直这样做一我只是这样理解的一所 以这是一种自然冲动。直到我看见自己，才意识到曾经看见的 记忆^已经在很大程度上消退了。

It was about four hours before I told anyone. I stayed with Ami. We looked at each other and played outside in the yard. I just wanted to be alone, and take it in. It was so much.

大约四个小时后，我才告诉 其他人。我和阿米在一起，我们注视着对方，在外面的院子里 的玩儿。我只想独自接受这一事实，它对我的意义太大了。

The strange thing was that I knew it was going to happen. About a week before, I was walking Ami and suddenly saw blue dots in front of my left eye, the one I would regain my sight in.

奇怪的是，我很早就知道自己会复明。大概一个星期前， 我带着阿米散步，突然看见左眼前面有蓝色的圆点。后来正是这 只眼睛复明了。

I told my mum because I found it funny; blue had been my favorite color and was the easiest color for me to see when I had partial sight. I took it as a sign.

我告诉了妈妈，因为很有趣的是，我一直最喜欢 蓝色，这也是我还有部分视力时最容易看到的颜色。我把它当成 了某种信号。

People don't treat me differently now. I was always completely independent. I lived in Auckland, New Zealand, in my own flat with my dog. I would have parties and go clubbing. I would listen to the beat of the music and go with it and hope for the best.

现在，我不再享有人们的特殊对待了，我一直独立生活， 带着小狗住在新西兰奥克兰市自己的公寓里。我以前会参加聚 会，去俱乐部玩，会听着音乐,打着节拍，祈求最佳状态。

When your friends grab you and point you in the other direction because they are actually over there, that is when you remember you're blind. I also loved movies. Going to the movies blind was like someone telling you a really good story with great sound effects, and you make up all the images in your head.

当我 和朋友们一起疯玩时，只有当他们抓住我的手，指着另一个方向，告诉我，其实他们在那边时，我才想起自己是个盲人。我也喜欢看电影，盲人看电影就好像在听别人给你讲一个 非常好的故事，伴着精彩的^^响效果，你可以在脑海中想象所有 的情形。

I haven't been back since I regained my sight. But I've been able to see my favorite soap, ''Shortland Street.'' And my friends took out magazines and pointed out Pamela Lee Anderson and Brad Pitt. The biggest surprise was Brad Pitt. I just thought, What is everyone going on about? The best was seeing my boyfriend.

自从复明后，我还没有去看过电影，却在看我最喜欢的 肥皂剧《苏特兰街》。朋友们翻弁杂志，指着帕梅拉?李?安德 森和布拉德?皮特给我看，布拉德?皮特最令我吃惊，我只是想， 他有什么值得人们反复谈论的呢？最美妙的事是见到我的男朋 友。

He rode the ferry over, and I knew him the moment I saw him. He was as sexy as I had imagined. I am not surprised that things are pretty much the same in my life. I didn't expect anything more than what I have now. I worked very hard to surround myself with genuine people and to create a normal life for myself.

他坐渡船过来，我一眼就认出了他，和我想象中的一样性感4 我并不感到惊奇，生活还和以前一样。现在拥有的一切已 经让我感到很满足，我并不期望更多。我努力工作，置身于这些 诚恳的人群中，为自己创造正常的生活。

I am still the same person. It just means that physically, perhaps, I can share more and put the two together: the feelings I had, with sight.

我还是以前的那个人， 也许复明只是意味着，’我能从身体上分享更多的东西，而且，能 把以前的感受和现在的结合起来。;

The same doctor who told me I would never see again told me I had regained 80 percent of the vision in my left eye. To be able to look him in the eye and tell him I could see again -- honestly, that felt pretty damn good.

曾经说我再也不能复明的那个医生，现在又告诉我，我左 眼的视力已经恢复了 80%。能够看着他，说我又能看见了。老实说，这感觉简直再好不过了。

He ran all the tests and made me read the eye chart, but he has no explanation. He said himself, and still says, that once the optic nerve is damaged, it cannot regenerate.

他给我做了所有的测试，让我 读视力检查表，却没有做出任何解释，他依然像以前那样，自言 自语道，视觉神经已经损坏了，不可能再生的。

I don't think the knock on the head had anything to do with it. If others want to believe that is how it happened, that is fine. But I consider this a miracle. There is no other way to describe it.

我并不认为这和我那天撞到头有什么关系，如果别人要这 样认为，那也没关系。但我认为这是一个奇迹，除此之外，再也 没有其他方式可以形容了。

Some things just cannot be explained. Of course, some people are skeptical . For me, it is precious. I try not to think about the possibility of going blind again. But my recovery would be no less a miracle even if I lost my sight tomorrow.

有些事情就是无法解释。当然，有些 人会很怀疑，但对我来说，它无比珍贵。我努力不去想可能还会 失明，就是明天再度失明，我的恢复也依然是一个奇迹。