你讨好别人的样子真的很丑[福说英语][19-10-31]

编辑&播音&后期：啊咪

！！Stop being a people-pleaser

Hello everyone，Welcome to English panorama, here is Vivian, nice to see you again.  

Today I want to ask you a question，a serious question. Are you this kind of people：the one who always put others’ feelings in the first place in your life. What people will think of you and how people feel about you are always the predominant issues you care about when the day started. You always easily accept some inappropriate requests from your friends even your own stuffs have already occupied your time for the reason that you hate to hurt other’s feelings. But when you’re in huge trouble, you’re too awkward to even just say a word, “Could you do me a favor?” Because of the fear of interrupting people and making them annoyed. Let me put it simply, this kind of people’s ultimate goal is to let everybody like them even the people who born to hate them and whom they don‘t like.

   不知道你是否是这样一类人？把他人的感受放在你生活中的第一位，每日醒来三省吾身：我最近有没有得罪了什么人？昨天朋友讯息没回我，他是不是讨厌我？昨日发的那条朋友圈没人点赞，我是不是说错了什么？尽管已经被自己的事情搞得团团转，却还是很爽快得接受别人不合时宜的请求，但当自己遇到了麻烦，却纠结到连一句“你能帮我个忙吗“都说不出口，生怕自己不值一提的问题降低了朋友对自己的好感度。简单点来说，这类人的终极目标就是为了让所有人喜欢自己，甚至是那些已经摆明讨厌自己的人。

And what’s the outcome? How do you get along with all the people you once try so hard to please? I bet, the result might disappoint you. The people who like you at first still keep a good relationship with you, but the people who dislike you? I’m sorry. There is little odd that they will change their minds.

If you are the kind of person I was talking about above, then congratulations, you have  got the personality of people-pleasing. 你，很可能具备了讨好型人格的某些特征。This kind of person centers more on “others” than “yourself”.

People-pleasing, 讨好型人格，这个词汇是在最近被“清华才女”蒋方舟带红的，她在《奇葩大会》上讲述了自己在“讨好型人格”支配下的令她心力交瘁的生活，并引起了广大网友的共鸣。So what cause you get caught of people-pleasing trap or how do you become a people-pleaser and what’s the remedy ? Answer will be found in what we are gonna discuss about today. 所以今天我们就来探讨一下我们是如何在取悦别人的路上越走越远的？以及我们还有救吗？

To all the people-pleasers, the first question is, why do you try so hard to please others?

你为什么总是费力气去讨好别人？

My answer is, maybe you care too much about other’s judgements on you. 可能你太过在意别人对你的评价了。

Only though endless praises and agreements by other people, can you feel relaxed，gaining confidence and what’s more, find your own value. Embracing this thought, the happiness is just temporary. And then just one negative feedback from someone will easily knock you down. All the confidence you just built up will fall apart again. And again, you are reduced to the state of doubting yourself.

你只有通过别人源源不断的赞扬，认可支持，你才会长舒一口气好像终于找到了自己的价值似地露出满意的微笑。怀揣着这种想法，所有的满足感都是暂时的，因为只要有哪怕是一条负面的反馈都会像那一百个床垫底下的豌豆使你的心一直咯噔着没法释怀，你先前好不容易建立起的自信心又开始分崩离析，紧接着你又陷入了自我怀疑的境地。I just can’t understand that aren’t you the one who is most familiar with yourself? Can’t you figure out what you really are? If so, then why do you relate your own value with other people‘s opinions  on you? 难道你不才是那个最了解自己的人吗？难道连你不知道自己是个什么样的人吗？如果你知道，那为何你还要纠结别人是怎么想你的呢？

（此图来自网易云用户：Instagram美图社）

Then I would say, it’s is the lack of self-esteem in you that make you so. Yep, self-esteem, do you know what it means?你知道它的真实含义是什么呢？自尊？自大？还是自傲？中文的翻译好像都对这个词不太友好，都有着“over evaluate yourself“的意味，即高估自己的意思。然而牛津词典对它的翻译是：a feeling of being happy with your own character and ability。一种因对自己的人格和能力感到认同的幸福感，简单来说就是一种因为你已经完成对自身人格和能力自我认证，无需他人帮你二次认证的底气和满足。因此，我更愿意把这个词译为自我价值认同感。千万不要低估这个词的力量。缺乏自我价值认同感意味着你自己的形象轮廓和水平能力在你的认知里是十分模糊的，你没有办法确定你自己的价值，所以你才一直忙于在一片巨大的评价画板中勾勒自己的模样，并在别人摇摆不定的评价里焦虑不已。

The second question is, do other people pay attention to you all the time?别人真的那么关注你吗？

Let’s picture a scene, one day when you’re walking in the street with the t-shirt which got a dark stain on it, all the thoughts in yo ur mind is, oh my gosh! Everyone must be looking at this horrible t-shirt. I really hope there is hole that I can crawl into. Then all the way you feel down wearing the embarrassing look on your face.

The point is, are the passers-by really interested in observing your dirty stain？ Maybe they don’t even notice you. I mean, there are a bunch of people in the street, why should you be the one they especially put their focus on?

想象一下这个场景，今天你碰巧穿了一件不小心沾上污渍的T恤衫走在路上，你满脑子都在想，他在看我，他在看我，他也在看我！于是你带着羞愧难当的表情闷闷不乐地走了一路。问题在于，别人为什么要看你？别人真的对你衣服上的污渍那么感兴趣吗？也许，他们压根就没有注意到你。路上人这么多，凭什么你就是他们重点观察的对象呢？

     Maybe you wanna deny, but the truth is, it’s not them but you who put yourself in the center. This is what we call spotlight effect in the psychology.你也许不想承认，但事实就是，关注你的人是你自己。这就是我们心理学上所称的“焦点效应”，spotlight[n.聚光灯，探照灯] effect，that is, overrating other people’s focus on your look and behavior也就是高度以自我为中心，并把这种对自己高度的关注投射到了别人身上，高估了别人对自己的外表和行为的关注。你总以为人家在茫茫人海中肯定一眼就看中了你，实际是人家根本看不到你，因为你太矮了。

Remember that everyone has their own life. They don’t have so much time to degrade your look and behavior.

为什么今天会提及这样一个略带消极的词，因为我觉得我好像就是这样一类人，我的讨好型因子好像自打我出生起就一直潜在我的人格里，并随着我对社会生活的深入以及人际关系的日渐复杂慢慢以一种强势的姿态显露，开始明目张胆得影响着我的情绪我的思考甚至我的生活。我观察了一下我自己，我是一个表达欲望十分强烈的人，每天当中我有无数的时刻想要分享自己当时的心情，但是编辑框里的内容写了又删删了又写，迟迟不敢摁下发送键，盯着屏幕半天最终还是默默关掉了界面。原因很简单，我怕打扰到我的朋友们，我怕他们看烦了我的讯息，我怕他们在心里默默咒骂我：这位太太很闲吗，这点小事也要发朋友圈？

类似的情况多到我记不清，但当我意识到时，我才发现我这一路上都在背负着别人的“眼光”,我的世界里充斥了别人的看法。好在我发现，我并不是一个人。但这并没有让我感到安慰，这说明偌大的社会交际圈正在悄然挑起我们对社交的焦虑和恐惧，从而使我们渐渐丧失自信，迷失自我。We are losing ourselves!!!

（此图来自网易云用户：Instagram美图社）

But，don’t be too upset. Getting used to please others doesn’t mean we are sick. On the opposite, it’s this kind of personality that explains our parents give us excellent genes of caring about others with warm hearts, that is, we are born to love people. Trust me, it’s really a good character sometimes. However, too much water drowned the miller. We can’t let the things become extreme.

不过你也不需要太过难受，习惯性的讨好别人并不等于是一种病，相反这种人格特质正说明了我们的父母给予了我们体谅他人关爱他人的优秀基因，这有时候是一种很棒的性格。但凡事都存在物极必反，我们不能让这种性格走向极端。

Then how can we stop pleasing others? I bet you have already known the answer.

Here are two simple tips.

Firstly, build up your own self-esteem. Then you can be faced with all the uncertain judgements on you with strong inner.

首先建立起属于你自己的自我价值认同感，这样你才可以以强大的内心面对所有对你摇摆不定的评价。

Secondly, stop centering yourself.

其次呢，永远记住每个人都有自己的生活，没有那么多的闲情雅致给你的穿着、行为、打扮打分。

Bear these tips in your mind. Think over them once you are going to flatter[v.迎合，奉承] people. 

今天在喂你们喝“毒鸡汤”的同时，也希望你们能记下三个和今天的主题相关的单词以及两条俗语。也就是我们刚提到的people-pleaser，self-esteem, spotlight

○people-pleasing

○self-esteem

○spotlight

◎I really hope there is hole that I can crawl into. 我恨不得钻进地缝里。

crawl n.缓慢移动，爬行

◎too much water drowned the miller物极必反

miller n.(尤指面粉厂的)厂主，磨坊主

At the end of the programme, I just wanna say, before trying hard to make yourself be loved by others, please love yourself first. That is what’s the most important. So，save your effort, stop pleasing others, be a tough man!

OK，that‘s all I’m gonna share with you today. This is Vivian, have a good day, Bye~~