鸡毛秀主持人吉米·坎摩尔开场各种调侃，看看啥是神吐槽

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congratulations everyone who's nominated

tonight thank you for letting me be a

part of this I'm excited

I've never been to the Oscars before

this is my first time here and the way

you people go through the host is

probably my last time here so I'm gonna

enjoy this wall out here this broadcast

is being watched live by millions of

Americans and around the world in more

than 225 countries that now hate us and

I think that is an amazing thing

no I don't have to tell anybody this

country is divided right now I've been

getting a lot of advice people have been

telling me it's time to bring everyone

together you need to say something to

unite us and let's just get something

straight off the top I'm not I can't do

that that's not there's only one

Braveheart in this room and he's not

going to unite us either

well you look great I think the

Scientology is working I really do I'm

not the man to unite this country but it

can be done we you know if every person

watching this show I don't want to get

to stores but there are millions and

millions of people watching right now

and if every one of you took a minute to

reach out to one person you disagree

with someone you like and have a

positive considerate conversation as

liberals or conservatives as American

spirit of healing and bringing people

together

I would like to bury the hatchet with

someone I've had issues with

Matt Damon Oh Matt I know Matt for a

long time now you know what I know Matt

so long when I first met Matt I was the

fat one

[Music]

true and we've had problems he's a

selfish person those who you've worked

with him know this but Matt did

something very unselfish and I want to

commend him for it I for real Matt as

you probably know could have started

Manchester by the sea he was the

producer it's nominated for six Oscars

including lead actor and he cleared up

taking that lead actor part for himself

but he didn't he gave that role to Casey

Affleck his childhood friend he handed

would turned out to be an Oscar caliber

roll over to his friend and made a

Chinese ponytail movie instead

and that movie the Great Wall went on to

lose eighty million dollars

smooth move dumbass see it's so easy to

reach out and heal we and I want to say

maybe this is not a popular thing to say

but I want to say thank you to President

Trump I mean remember last year when it

seemed like the Oscars were racist

one day no it has been an amazing year

for movies black people save NASA and

white people save jazz music named

la-la-land ties the all-time Oscar

record record it was directed by Damien

Chazelle 14 nominations 14 nominations

one for every year Damien has been alive

tonight is very important for Damien if

he wins we'll be able to go to any

college he wants so we wish you the best

the movie business is changing the first

time ever Amazon is represented at the

Academy Awards Amazon is the first

streaming service nominated for Best

Picture Jeff Bezos

is the founder and CEO and honestly

congratulations to Jeff you know I also

want you know Jeffy if you win tonight

you could expect your Oscar to arrive in

two to five business days possibly

stolen by a GrubHub delivery man Amazon

produced Manchester by the sea that was

a fun movie wasn't it you know if you

search for Amazon chester by the sea on

amazon it says customers who bought this

item also purchased zoloft I don't know

what's going on but there are a lot of

sad movies this year all the nominees

the only happy ending of all and omni's

was the one in the middle of moonlight

you didn't watch it did you love it so

much the incredible Denzel Washington is

nominated for fancies a story but a pala

came together apparently Denzel had

always wanted to work with Denzel and

just so happened that their schedules

worked out and the rest is Oscar history

congratulations to you my friend we have

friends and colleagues visiting from all

around the world tonight the great

actors from France Isabel who pair is

here with us performance in the movie l

and on behalf of everyone here I would

like to say we didn't see L but we

absolutely loved it

amazing in that film and I'm glad

Homeland Security let you in tonight I

really uh we are very welcoming to

outsiders fear in Hollywood we don't

discriminate against people because

based on what countries they they come

from we we discriminate against them

based on their age and weight Andrew

Garfield lost 40 pounds where's Andrew

and you can barely even see him he got

so thin very good he lost 40 pounds for

his role in the movie silence it was an

astonishing physical transformation that

hasn't been attempted since every

actress in every role ever Viggo

Mortensen who's terrific is nominated

for Best Actor for his performance in

the movie captain fantastic and it is so

well deserved

too often the Academy only recognizes

movies that people have seen and I just

think it's wonderful we are here tonight

to honor great actors but we're also

here to honor the actors who seem great

but actually really aren't and of all

the great actors here in Hollywood one

in particular has stood the test of time

for her many uninspiring and overrated

performances

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

and then i say from from her mediocre

early work in The Deer Hunter and Out of

Africa to her underwhelming performances

and Kramer vs Kramer and Sophie's Choice

Meryl Streep has phoned it in for more

than 50 people over the course of her

lacklustre career

this is Merrill's 20th Oscar nomination

considering the fact that she wasn't

even in a movie this year we just wrote

her name down out of habit

now stand up if you would everybody

please join me in giving Meryl Streep a

totally undeserved round of applause

I hope we're gonna have fun tonight nice

dress by the way is that an Ivanka this

is exciting I think it's important that

we all know we've all seen it all but

it's important that we take a second to

appreciate what is happening here we're

at the Oscars the Academy Awards you're

nominated you got to come your families

are nominated you're fed some of you

will get to come up here on this stage

tonight and give a speech that the

President of the United States will

tweet about in in all caps during his 5

a.m. bowel movement tomorrow and I think

that's pretty darn excellent if you ask

me so let's get going it's time for our

first category of the night supporting

actors it's what most actors parents are

still doing supporting actors

five men are nominated tonight but only

one will have the opportunity to be

included in a spectacular clip montage

like this season's yet