010 你不必强迫自己积极向上

Hello, everyone.

大家好。

Sawubona.

Sawubona.

In South Africa, where I come from, "sawubona" is the Zulu word for "hello." There's a beautiful and powerful intention behind the word because "sawubona" literally translated means, "I see you, and by seeing you, I bring you into being." So beautiful, imagine being greeted like that. But what does it take in the way we see ourselves? Our thoughts, our emotions and our stories that help us to thrive in an increasingly complex and fraught world?

在南非也就是我的家乡，“Sawubona”是祖鲁语中的“你好”。这个词背后有着很优美且有力量的含义，从字面上来翻译的话，“Sawubona”表示“我看见你了，因为我看见你，所以你存在了”多么美妙啊，想象一下有人跟你这样打招呼。那我们是以什么方式看待自己的？我们的思想，我们的情感，还有我们的故事，在帮助我们在这个日益复杂而充满危机的世界中茁壮成长？

This crucial question has been at the center of my life's work. Because how we deal with our inner world drives everything. Every aspect of how we love, how we live, how we parent and how we lead. The conventional view of emotions as good or bad, positive or negative, is rigid. And rigidity in the face of complexity is toxic. We need greater levels of emotional agility for true resilience and thriving.

这个重要的问题一直是我毕生工作所围绕的中心。因为我们如何处理我们的内在世界引领着一切，渗透了以下的方方面面：我们怎么去爱怎么生活、怎么为人父母，以及怎么领导。传统观点中把情绪分为好或坏，积极或消极，这样是很僵化的。而面对复杂时僵化是有害的。我们需要提高情绪的敏锐度，以此来真正的适应与成长。

My journey with this calling began not in the hallowed halls of a university, but in the messy, tender business of life. I grew up in the white suburbs of apartheid South Africa, a country and community committed to not seeing. To denial. It's denial that makes 50 years of racist legislation possible while people convince themselves that they are doing nothing wrong. And yet, I first learned of the destructive power of denial at a personal level, before I understood what it was doing to the country of my birth.

我的这个职业旅程并不是开始于大学的神圣殿堂，而开始于我生命中混乱而又脆弱的时期。我在南非种族隔离时期的白人郊区中长大，这个国家和社会都决定不去正视这个问题，去否认。这种否认促使了种族主义立法长达50多年的合理性存在，而在此期间，人们确信他们自己并没有做错。然而，我第一次切身地体会到这种否认所带来的破坏性力量，尚在我理解到它对我的出生国所能带来的后果之前。

My father died on a Friday. He was 42 years old and I was 15. My mother whispered to me to go and say goodbye to my father before I went to school. So I put my backpack down and walked the passage that ran through to where the heart of our home my father lay dying of cancer. His eyes were closed, but he knew I was there. In his presence, I had always felt seen. I told him I loved him, said goodbye and headed off for my day.

我父亲是在一个周五去世的，他那时42岁，而我才15岁。母亲轻声跟我说：“上学前，先去跟父亲说再见。”于是，我放下我的背包，穿过通向我们房子中心的通道，我的父亲正躺在那儿，身患癌症而濒临死亡。他的眼睛闭着，但他知道我就在那儿。在他面前，我总是能感觉到。我告诉他我爱他，跟他道了别，然后上学去了。

At school, I drifted from science to mathematics to history to biology, as my father slipped from the world. From May to July to September to November, I went about with my usual smile. I didn't drop a single grade. When asked how I was doing, I would shrug and say, "OK." I was praised for being strong. I was the master of being OK.

在学校，我上了科学课、数学课、历史课和生物课，而当时我的父亲正从这个世界消失。从五月到七月、九月，再到十一月，我都带着我一贯的微笑，我连一个名次都没掉。当有人问起我怎么样时，我会耸耸肩，说：“没事。”大家都表扬我很坚强，我是表面没事的专家。

But back home, we struggled -- my father hadn't been able to keep his small business going during his illness. And my mother, alone, was grieving the love of her life trying to raise three children, and the creditors were knocking. We felt, as a family, financially and emotionally ravaged. And I began to spiral down, isolated, fast. I started to use food to numb my pain. Binging and purging. Refusing to accept the full weight of my grief. No one knew, and in a culture that values relentless positivity, I thought that no one wanted to know.

但回到家时，我们苦苦挣扎——我父亲在生病期间，没能照顾好他的小生意。而我母亲，孤身一人，一边为失去挚爱而悲伤一边还要全力抚养三个孩子。而此时债主已经登门。我们这个家，遭受着财务和情感上的重创。很快我的体重开始急速下降，我感到很孤立。我开始用食物来麻痹我的痛苦，吃下去又吐出来。我拒绝接受我所有的悲伤情绪。没有人知道，况且，在这样一个崇尚盲目乐观的文化氛围中，我认为并没有人想要知道这些。

But one person did not buy into my story of triumph over grief. My eighth-grade English teacher fixed me with burning blue eyes as she handed out blank notebooks. She said, "Write what you're feeling. Tell the truth. Write like nobody's reading." And just like that, I was invited to show up authentically to my grief and pain. It was a simple act but nothing short of a revolution for me. It was this revolution that started in this blank notebook 30 years ago that shaped my life's work. The secret, silent correspondence with myself. Like a gymnast, I started to move beyond the rigidity of denial into what I've now come to call emotional agility.

但是，有一个人，并不相信我就这么战胜了悲痛。我八年级的英语老师用灼热的蓝色的眼睛盯着我，并递给我空白的笔记本。她说，“写下你的感觉，说出真心话，就像没有人会去看那样写。”就像她所说的，我开始展示我真实的悲伤和痛苦。这是很简单的行为，但对于我来说，是一场革命。而就是这场30年前，由这本空白笔记本开启的革命，奠基了我这一生的事业。写给自己的秘密的，无声的信。就像一个体操运动员，我开始超越否认的僵化性，进入到我现在的层面我称之为情绪敏锐度。

Life's beauty is inseparable from its fragility. We are young until we are not. We walk down the streets sexy until one day we realize that we are unseen. We nag our children and one day realize that there is silence where that child once was, now making his or her way in the world. We are healthy until a diagnosis brings us to our knees. The only certainty is uncertainty, and yet we are not navigating this frailty successfully or sustainably.

生命的美丽离不开它的脆弱。我们都是年轻的，直到我们不再年轻，我们性感地走过街道，直到有一天我们意识到没有人在看着我们，我们唠叨孩子，直到有一天意识到孩子曾经所在的地方只剩下沉默，而他/她已经在世界上渐行渐远，我们是健康的，直到某个诊断结果把我们击倒。唯一能够确定的东西是不确定。迄今为止我们无法成功地或者持续地确定这个弱点的航向。

The World Health Organization tells us that depression is now the single leading cause of disability globally -- outstripping cancer, outstripping heart disease. And at a time of greater complexity, unprecedented technological, political and economic change, we are seeing how people's tendency is more and more to lock down into rigid responses to their emotions.

世界健康组织告诉我们抑郁如今是全球中导致残疾的唯一主要原因。超过了癌症，也超过了心脏病。在这样一个更复杂，具备史无前例的技术、政治和经济变革的时代，我们看到人们倾向于越来越严格限制他们的情绪反应。

On the one hand we might obsessively brood on our feelings. Getting stuck inside our heads. Hooked on being right. Or victimized by our news feed. On the other, we might bottle our emotions, pushing them aside and permitting only those emotions deemed legitimate.

一方面我们可能对自己的感觉过度焦虑，我们在脑海里面卡住，被要表现得正确的想法钩住，或者为我们的外在表现作出牺牲。另一方面，我们可能会深藏我们的情绪，把情绪推向一边并且只允许那些看起来合理的情绪表露出来。

In a survey I recently conducted with over 70,000 people, I found that a third of us -- a third -- either judge ourselves for having so-called "bad emotions," like sadness, anger or even grief. Or actively try to push aside these feelings. We do this not only to ourselves, but also to people we love, like our children -- we may inadvertently shame them out of emotions seen as negative, jump to a solution, and fail to help them to see these emotions as inherently valuable.

最近我做了一个超过7万人参与的调查，我发现有三分之一的人——三分之一要么批判自己拥有所谓的“坏情绪”，例如悲伤，生气，甚至悲痛。要么积极地尝试把这些情绪推向一边。我们不仅对自己这么做，而且对我们爱的人也这么做，比如对我们的孩子，我们可能无意中对他们看似消极的情绪感到羞恼，所以直接跳到了解决方法这一步，而忽略了去帮助他们认识到这些情绪本身是很宝贵的。

Normal, natural emotions are now seen as good or bad. And being positive has become a new form of moral correctness. People with cancer are automatically told to just stay positive. Women, to stop being so angry. And the list goes on. It's a tyranny. It's a tyranny of positivity. And it's cruel. Unkind. And ineffective. And we do it to ourselves, and we do it to others.

自然的情绪现在通常被分为好或坏。表现积极被看作是道德正确的一种新形式。患癌的人们被理所当然地告知要表现积极向上。女人们不能生气而失了优雅。这个清单一直在扩充着。这是一种暴政。这是以积极为名的暴政。而且这是残忍的，不友好的，也是无效的。而我们还这样对待自己。还这样对待别人。

If there's one common feature of brooding, bottling or false positivity, it's this: they are all rigid responses. And if there's a single lesson we can learn from the inevitable fall of apartheid it is that rigid denial doesn't work. It's unsustainable. For individuals, for families, for societies. And as we watch the ice caps melt, it is unsustainable for our planet.

如果焦虑、深藏情绪或者虚假的积极只有一个共同特征的话，那就是他们都是僵化的反应。如果说，我们从种族隔离不可避免地减少中学到了一课，那，这唯一的一课就是：生硬的否认是没有用的。它是不可持续的。无论是对于个人、对于家庭，还是对于社会，都是如此。当我们看到冰冠融化时，它对我们这个星球来说就是不可持续的。

Research on emotional suppression shows that when emotions are pushed aside or ignored, they get stronger. Psychologists call this amplification. Like that delicious chocolate cake in the refrigerator -- the more you try to ignore it ...

有关情绪压抑的研究表明，当情绪被推向一边或被忽略时，它们会变得更强烈。心理学家称之为放大。就像冰箱里美味的巧克力蛋糕一样，你越想去忽略它……

the greater its hold on you. You might think you're in control of unwanted emotions when you ignore them, but in fact they control you. Internal pain always comes out. Always. And who pays the price? We do. Our children, our colleagues, our communities.

它就越吸引你。你也许会以为忽略了想要的情绪时，你就控制住了它们。但实际上，它们控制了你。内在的痛苦总是会出现。总是如此。那谁对这些买单？我们自己。我们的孩子。我们的同事。我们的社会。

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not anti-happiness. I like being happy. I'm a pretty happy person. But when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be. I've had hundreds of people tell me what they don't want to feel. They say things like, "I don't want to try because I don't want to feel disappointed." Or, "I just want this feeling to go away."

现在，不要误解我的意思。我不是反对快乐，我喜欢快乐的状态，我是一个非常快乐的人。但是当我们把正常的情绪放在一边，仅仅拥抱那些虚假的的积极时，我们失去了与真实的世界打交道的能力，而这不是我们希望发生的。成百上千的人告诉过我，他们不想感受。他们会这样说，“我不想尝试，因为我不想失望”或者“我只是不想要这种感觉”

"I understand," I say to them. "But you have dead people's goals."

“我理解，”我对他们说“你跟死人有一样的目标”

Only dead people never get unwanted or inconvenienced by their feelings.

只有死人才不会为他们的情绪而感到不爽或不便。

Only dead people never get stressed, never get broken hearts, never experience the disappointment that comes with failure. Tough emotions are part of our contract with life. You don't get to have a meaningful career or raise a family or leave the world a better place without stress and discomfort. Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.

只有死人永远不会有压力，不会伤心，不会体会到失败所带来的失望。艰难的情绪是我们与生活的契约的一部分。没有任何一份卓绝的事业，抚养一个家庭，或者让世界变更加美好让你不用面对压力和苦恼。不适感是你进入一个有意义的生活所要付出的代价。

So, how do we begin to dismantle rigidity and embrace emotional agility? As that young schoolgirl, when I leaned into those blank pages, I started to do away with feelings of what I should be experiencing. And instead started to open my heart to what I did feel. Pain. And grief. And loss. And regret.

那么，我们要如何瓦解这种僵化去拥抱敏锐的情绪呢？作为那个年轻的校园女生，当我倾身进入那些空白的页面时，我开始消除那些情感，那些我理论上应该体会的情感，取而代之的是我开始打开我的心去真正地感受。疼痛，痛苦，失去，后悔。

Research now shows that the radical acceptance of all of our emotions -- even the messy, difficult ones -- is the cornerstone to resilience, thriving, and true, authentic happiness. But emotional agility is more that just an acceptance of emotions. We also know that accuracy matters. In my own research, I found that words are essential. We often use quick and easy labels to describe our feelings. "I'm stressed" is the most common one I hear.

研究表明，完全地接受我们所有的情绪，甚至是混乱的，艰难的情绪，都是我们坚韧的、茁壮的、真实的快乐的基石。但是情绪敏锐化不仅仅是接纳情绪，我们都知道准确性很重要。在我自己的研究中，我发现词语是必不可少的。我们通常用快速又容易得到的标签来描述我们的感受，“我压力好大”是我最常听到的。

But there's a world of difference between stress and disappointment or stress and that knowing dread of "I'm in the wrong career." When we label our emotions accurately, we are more able to discern the precise cause of our feelings. And what scientists call the readiness potential in our brain is activated, allowing us to take concrete steps. But not just any steps -- the right steps for us. Because our emotions are data.

但压力与失望之间存在着巨大的差异。压力与“我不适合这个工作”的恐惧感之间同样差异显著。当我们能够准确标识我们的情绪时，我们才能更好地分辨出我们产生这种感受的确切原因。我们大脑里被科学家称为准备电位的东西被激活以后，我们可以开始具体的步骤。但并不是每一步都是对的，因为我们的情绪是个数据库。

Our emotions contain flashing lights to things that we care about. We tend not to feel strong emotion to stuff that doesn't mean anything in our worlds. If you feel rage when you read the news, that rage is a signpost, perhaps, that you value equity and fairness -- and an opportunity to take active steps to shape your life in that direction. When we are open to the difficult emotions, we are able to generate responses that are values-aligned.

我们的情绪就像一盏探照灯，只会照亮我们所关心的事物。而对于我们不太在意的东西，则不会产生强烈的情绪。如果你看新闻的时候感到愤怒，那这种愤怒的情绪就是一个路标，也许表明，你看重公平和公正，这也是一个机会，你可以借此采取一些积极的措施，往那个方向去塑造你的生活。当我们接纳那些艰难的情绪时，我们就能够发出与我们价值观一致的反应。

But there's an important caveat. Emotions are data, they are not directives. We can show up to and mine our emotions for their values without needing to listen to them. Just like I can show up to my son in his frustration with his baby sister -- but not endorse his idea that he gets to give her away to the first stranger he sees in a shopping mall.

但这里有个重要的提示：情绪是一个数据库，它们不是具体的指令。我们可以去展示或发掘情绪的价值，而不盲从情绪。就像我可以看到我儿子被他的小妹妹折磨得很惨，但我不赞成他要把妹妹丢给他在商场见到的第一个陌生人的想法。

We own our emotions, they don't own us. When we internalize the difference between how I feel in all my wisdom and what I do in a values-aligned action, we generate the pathway to our best selves via our emotions.

我们是情绪的主人，而不是反过来。当我们内化了我理智所想与内外协调一致的差异时，我们就能够通过情绪找到途径通向最好的自我。

So, what does this look like in practice? When you feel a strong, tough emotion, don't race for the emotional exits. Learn its contours, show up to the journal of your hearts. What is the emotion telling you? And try not to say "I am," as in, "I'm angry" or "I'm sad." When you say "I am" it makes you sound as if you are the emotion. Whereas you are you, and the emotion is a data source. Instead, try to notice the feeling for what it is: "I'm noticing that I'm feeling sad" or "I'm noticing that I'm feeling angry." These are essential skills for us, our families, our communities. They're also critical to the workplace.

那么，这在实践中看起来如何呢？当你感受到强烈又强硬的情绪时，不要急于抓住他，去了解它的轮廓，让它慢慢在你心中呈现。这种情绪在告诉你什么？尝试不要用“我是”，比如说“我是生气的”或者“我是伤心的”，当你说“我是”的时候，听起来就像你就是情绪本身。而你是你自身，情绪只是一个数据源。相反，试着去注意感受本身是什么。“我注意到我感到悲伤”或“我注意到我感到生气”。这些是必不可少的技能，对我们，我们的家庭，我们的社区来说都是。它们在工作场合也很重要。

In my research, when I looked at what helps people to bring the best of themselves to work, I found a powerful key contributor: individualized consideration. When people are allowed to feel their emotional truth, engagement, creativity and innovation flourish in the organization. Diversity isn't just people, it's also what's inside people. Including diversity of emotion.

在我的研究中，当我寻找什么能够帮助人们展现最好的自己时，我发现了一个非常有力的关键的贡献者：个性化的考虑。当人们能够感受到他们真实的情绪时，他们在组织中的参与度、创造性和创新性都能够大大提升。多元化的不仅仅是人，人的内在也是多元化的。包括情绪的多元化。

The most agile, resilient individuals, teams, organizations, families, communities are built on an openness to the normal human emotions. It's this that allows us to say, "What is my emotion telling me?" "Which action will bring me towards my values?" "Which will take me away from my values?" Emotional agility is the ability to be with your emotions with curiosity, compassion, and especially the courage to take values-connected steps.

最敏锐的、坚韧的个人、团队、组织、家庭、社区都是建立在包容正常的人类情绪的基础上的。正是如此我们才能够说，“我的情绪正在告诉我什么？”“怎样的措施可以跟我的价值观一致？”“怎么做会背离我的价值观？”情绪敏锐化就是具备一种能力，它能够让你用好奇心，同情心，特别是采取价值观相关措施的勇气去处理你的情绪。

When I was little, I would wake up at night terrified by the idea of death. My father would comfort me with soft pats and kisses. But he would never lie. "We all die, Susie," he would say. "It's normal to be scared." He didn't try to invent a buffer between me and reality. It took me a while to understand the power of how he guided me through those nights. What he showed me is that courage is not an absence of fear; courage is fear walking.

在我小时候，晚上一想到死亡这件事我就害怕得睡不着。我父亲会温柔地拍拍我亲亲我安慰我，但他从来不会说谎。“我们都会死的，苏西”，他会说，“害怕是很正常的。”他根本不会试着在我和真实世界之间放个缓冲器。我花了一段时间才能理解在那些晚上他指引给我的力量。他展示给我的是勇敢并不意味着不害怕，勇敢是你在害怕中仍然前行。

Neither of us knew that in 10 short years, he would be gone. And that time for each of us is all too precious and all too brief. But when our moment comes to face our fragility, in that ultimate time, it will ask us, "Are you agile?" "Are you agile?" Let the moment be an unreserved "yes." A "yes" born of a lifelong correspondence with your own heart. And in seeing yourself. Because in seeing yourself, you are also able to see others, too: the only sustainable way forward in a fragile, beautiful world. Sawubona.

我们谁都不知道就在短短十年内，他就会离开人世。而那段时间对于我们俩来说是多么地珍贵又多么地短暂。但当我们分别的那一刻我们面对脆弱的那一刻，在最后的时间里，它会问我们“你够敏锐吗？”“你够敏锐吗？”让那一刻变成一个毫无保留的“是”吧，这个“是”来自于你与自己的内心保持着终生的一致性，以及洞察你自己。因为洞察你自己，你才能洞察别人，这是唯一一个可持续的方法，在这个脆弱而又美丽的世界中前行。

Sawubona. And thank you.

Sawubona.谢谢。

Thank you.

谢谢。

Thank you.

谢谢。