第25章01. Finding Mr

25 Finding Mr Rochester again
　　Ferndean Manor was a large old house in the middle of a wood． It looked dark and lonely， surrounded by trees．As I approached，the narrow front door opened，and out came a figure I could not fail to recognize， Edward Rochester． I held my breath as I watched，feeling a mixture of happiness and sadness． He looked as strong as before and his hair was still black， but in his face I saw a bitter， desperate look，that I had never seen there before．He walked slowly and hesitatingly along the path．Although he kept looking up eagerly at the sky，it was obvious that he could see nothing．After a while he stopped， and stood quietly there， the rain falling fast on his bent， uncovered head．Finally he found his way painfully back to the house， and closed the door．
　　When I knocked at the door， Mr Rochester's old servant，John，opened it and recognized me． He and his wife Mary were the only servants their master had wanted to keep when he moved from Thornfield． Although they were surprised to see me，I had no difficulty in arranging to stay at Ferndean that night．
　　'But he may not want to see you，'warned Mary， as we sat together in the kitchen．'He refuses to see anybody except us．'She was lighting some candles．'He always wants candles in the sitting－room when it's dark， even though he's blind．'
　　'Give them to me，Mary，'I said．'I'll take them to him．'
　　The blind man was sitting near the neglected fire in the dark room．'Put down the candles， Mary，'he sighed．
　　'Here they are， sir，'I said．
　　'That is Mary， isn't it？'he asked， listening carefully．
　　'Mary's in the kitchen，'I answered．
　　'What sweet madness has seized me？'he cried suddenly．
　　'Where is the speaker？I can't see， but I must feel，or my heart will stop， and my brain will burst！Let me touch you，or I can't live！I held his wandering band with both of mine．'Is it Jane？This is her shape…' He released his hand and seized my arm，shoulder，neck， waist and held me close to him．
　　'She is here，'I said，'and her heart too．I am Jane Eyre．I've found you and come back to you．'
　　'My living darling！So you aren't lying dead in a ditch somewhere！Is it a dream？I've dreamed so often of you，only to wake in the morning， abandoned， my life dark，my soul thirsty．'
　　'I'm alive， and I'm not a dream，In fact，I'm an independent woman now I've inherited five thousand pounds from my uncle．'
　　'Ah， that sounds real！I couldn't dream that．But perhaps you have friends now， and don't want to spend much time in a lonely house with a blind man like me．'
　　'I can do what I like，and I intend to stay with you，unless you object．I'll be your neighbour， your nurse， your housekeeper， your companion． You will never be sad or lonely as long as I live．'
　　He did not reply immediately， and I was a little embarrassed by his silence．I had assumed he would still want me to be his wife， and wondered why he did not ask me．
　　'Jane， he said sadly，'you cannot always be my nurse．It's kind and generous of you， but you're young， and one day you will want to marry．If I could only see，I'd try to make you love me again， but…'And he sighed deeply．
　　I was very relieved to discover that was all he was worrying about，because I knew that his blindness made no difference at all to my love for him． However， I thought too much excitement was not good for him， so I talked of other things，and made him laugh a little．As we separated at bedtime，he asked me，'Just one thing， Jane． Were there only ladies in the house where you've been？'I laughed， and escaped upstairs，still laughing．'A good idea！'I thought．'A little jealousy will stop him feeling so sorry for himself！'

　25 重新找到罗切斯特先生
　　枫丹庄园是一幢建在树林中间的高大的旧房子，看上去灰暗、孤单，周围绿树环绕。当我走近时，狭窄的前门打开了，里面走出的正是我永远都能认出的爱德华•罗切斯特。我屏住呼吸注视着，心中悲喜交加。他看上去还和过去一样强壮，头发依然乌黑，但在他的脸上，我看到的是从未见过的痛苦、绝望的表情。他慢慢地、踌躇地在路上走着。尽管他抬起头来热切地望着天空，但显然他什么也看不见。过了一会儿，他停住脚步，静静地站着，雨水打在他低着的、光光的头上。最后他艰难地找到了回家的路，关上了门。
　　当我敲门时，罗切斯特先生的老仆人约翰打开门，并认出了我。主人从特恩费得搬来时，他和妻子玛丽是主人唯一想留下的仆人。尽管他们见到我很吃惊，我还是没费什么事就做好了当晚住在枫丹的安排。
　　我们一起坐在厨房里，玛丽警告说：“他也许不愿见到你。除了我们以外，他拒绝见任何人。”她点上几根蜡烛。“尽管他瞎了，却总希望天黑时在客厅里点上蜡烛。”
　　“把蜡烛给我，玛丽。”我说。“我给他拿去。”
　　这个双目失明的人坐在黑屋子里无人照管的炉火边。“把蜡烛放下，玛丽。”他叹了口气。
　　“先生，它们在这里。”我说。
　　“你是玛丽，对吗？”他说，并仔细听着。
　　“玛丽在厨房里。”我答道。
　　“是什么甜蜜的疯狂攫住了我？”他突然喊道。“说话的人在哪儿？我看不到，但我必须感觉到，否则我的心就会停止跳动，我的脑子就会迸裂！让我摸摸你，否则我会活不下去！”我双手握住他摸索着的手。“是简吗？这是她的样子……”他腾出手来，抓住我的胳膊、肩膀、脖子、腰肢，把我紧紧抱住。
　　“她在这里。”我说。“她的心也在这里，我是简•爱。我找到你了，回到你身边来了。”
　　“我的宝贝还活着！那么你没有死在某处的阴沟里！这是不是梦？我常常梦见你，早上醒来却已被抛弃，只剩下黑暗的生活和饥渴的灵魂。”
　　“我活着，我不是梦。实际上我现在是个独立的女人了，我从舅舅那儿继承了5 000英镑。”
　　“啊，这听起来倒是真的！我不会梦到这个。但是也许你现在有了朋友，不再想到这幢孤零零的房子里，花许多时间陪伴一个像我这样的瞎子了。”
　　“我想做什么，就能做什么。我想和你一起住，除非你反对。我要成为你的邻居，你的护士，你的管家，你的伴侣。只要我活着，你就永远不会悲伤或孤独。”
　　他没有立刻回答，他的沉默使我感到有些尴尬。我本以为他仍然希望我成为他的妻子，却纳闷他为什么不向我提出来。
　　“简，”他悲哀地说。“你不能永远做我的护士。你很慷慨善良，但你还年轻，总有一天你会想结婚。如果我能够看得见，我会努力让你再爱上我，但是……”他深深地叹了口气。
　　原来他担心的就是这些，我感到轻松了许多，因为他失明丝毫没有影响到我对他的爱。但是，我觉得过于激动对他没好处，于是就开始扯些别的话题，逗他笑一点儿。我们分手去就寝时，他问我：“简，就一件事。你住的家里只有女士吗？”我笑了，逃上楼去，仍止不住笑。“好主意。”我想。“小小的嫉妒会让他减少对自己的伤心。”