第23章04. A voice fro

　　I had not forgotten Mr Rochester in all these changes of home and fortune．His name was written on my heart，and would stay there as long as I lived．Not only had I written to ask Mr Briggs more about him，I had also written twice to Mrs Fairfax．But after I had waited in vain for six months，I lost hope，and felt low indeed．Diana said I looked ill，and needed a holiday at the seaside，but St John thought I ought to concentrate on more serious work，and gave me even more Hindustani exercises to do．
　　One day，while he and I were walking on the moors，he announced，'Jane，I'll be leaving in six weeks．'
　　'You're doing God's work．He'll protect you，'I replied．
　　'Yes，it seems strange to me that all my friends don't want to join me．God offers a place in heaven to all who serve Him．What does your heart say to that，Jane？'
　　'My heart is silent—my heart is silent，'I murmured．
　　'Then I must speak for it，'said the deep，stern voice．'Jane，come with me to India as a missionary！'
　　Was it a call from God？I felt as if I was under a terrible spell，and I trembled，afraid that I might not be able to escape．
　　'Oh St John，don't choose me！'I begged．But it was useless appealing to a man who always did what he believed to be his duty，however unpleasant it was．
　　'God intended you to be a missionary's wife，'he continued．'Trust in Him，Jane．Marry me，for the service of God．'
　　'I can't do it，St John，I'm not strong enough！'I cried．The iron bars of a cage seemed to be closing in around me．
　　'I've seen how hard you can work，Jane．You will be a great help to me with Indian women，and in Indian schools．'
　　I thought，' Yes，I could do that．But I know that he doesn't love me， and despite that， he asks me to marry him！'So I said，
　　'I'm ready to go with you to India，but as a sister， not as a wife．'
　　He shook his head．'You must see that's impossible． No， a sister could marry at any time， and leave me．I need a wife，who will obey me in life， and who will stay with me until death．'

在所有这些关于家庭与财富的变迁发生的过程中，我始终不能忘记罗切斯特先生。他的名字已写在我心上，只要我活着，就永远不会消失。我不仅越来越多地给布莱格斯先生写信，打听他的消息，还给费尔法斯太太去过两封信。但是空等了半年，我不抱希望了，感到无比沮丧。戴安娜说我看上去不舒服，需要到海边去疗养，然而圣约翰却说我应该集中精力多做些正经的事，还给我更多的印度斯坦语练习来做。
　　一天，当他和我在沼泽地上散步时，他宣布：“简，我六星期后离开。”
　　“你在为上帝工作。他会保护你。”我说。
　　“是的，奇怪的是我的朋友没有一个愿与我同行。上帝给所有为他服务的人在天堂都准备好了地方。简，你的心对此有什么回答？”
　　“我的心是沉默的——我的心是沉默的。”我喃喃道。
　　“那么我就必须替它说话了。”他用严肃低沉的声音说。“简，跟我一起去印度做传教士吧！”
　　这是上帝的召唤吗？我感到自己被附上了可怕的咒语，我颤抖着，害怕自己无法逃脱出来。
　　“噢，圣约翰，别选择我。”我乞求着。然而他一向认为自己在履行责任，无论那是多么不愉快；向这样的人乞求是徒劳的。
　　“上帝要让你成为一个传教士的妻子。”他接着说。“简，相信我。嫁给我，为上帝服务。”
　　“圣约翰，我不能，我不够坚强。”我大声说。牢笼的铁条似乎正从四面向我逼近。
　　“简，我看到了你工作起来有多么刻苦。你可以在印度妇女中、在印度学校里给我很大帮助。”
　　我心想：“是的，我能够做到，但我知道他不爱我。尽管这样，他还让我嫁给他！”于是我说：
　　“我准备跟你去印度，但是做为妹妹，而不是妻子。”
　　他摇摇头。“你要知道那是不可能的。不行，妹妹随时可以嫁人，离我而去。我需要一个妻子，在生活中听命于我，并伴我至死。”