第23章03. A voice fro

　　Gradually our life at Moor House lost its holiday feeling，and as we took up our usual habits and regular studies again，St John sat with us more often．Sometimes I had the impression he was observing us．One day，when Diana and Mary were out and I was learning German，he suddenly said to me，'I want you to learn Hindustani instead of German．I'll need it for my missionary work in India，and you could help me to learn it by studying with me．I've chosen you because I've noticed you have better powers of concentration than either of my sisters．'It seemed so important to him that I could not refuse，and when his sisters returned，they were surprised to find me learning Hindustani with St John．
　　From now on we spent a lot of time together，studying．I had to work very hard to satisfy him．Under his influence，however，I felt I was losing my freedom to be myself．I could no longer talk or laugh freely，as I knew he only approved of serious moods and studies．I fell under his freezing spell，obeying all his commands without thinking．
　　One evening，at bedtime，as he kissed his sisters good night，and was holding out his hand to shake mine，as usual，Diana said，laughing，'St John！You aren't treating Jane like one of the family！You should kiss her too．'I was rather embarrassed，but St John calmly kissed me，and did so every evening after that．

在摩尔屋的生活渐渐褪去了节日的气氛，我们又开始按老习惯生活，进行正常的学习，圣约翰和我们在一起的时间多起来。有时候我感到他在观察我们。一天，戴安娜和玛丽出门了，我正在学习德语，他突然对我说：“我想让你学印度斯坦语，而不是德语。我在印度做传教士的工作需要它，你和我一起学可以帮助我。我之所以选择你，是因为我觉得你比我的两个妹妹更能集中精力。”这对他似乎至关重要，使我难以拒绝。两姐妹回来时，看到我正和圣约翰学习印度斯坦语，感到非常惊讶。
　　从此我们常在一起学习，我必须非常刻苦才能使他满意。但是，在他的影响下我感到我正在失去保持自我的自由。因为我知道他只赞赏严肃认真的态度和学习，我不能再自由地说笑。我好像被他施了定身术，不假思索地服从着他所有的命令。
　　一天晚上，就寝的时间到了，他吻了两个妹妹，并道晚安，又像往常那样伸出手来握我的手。戴安娜笑着说：“圣约翰，你没把简当做一家人来对待！你也应该吻她。”我很尴尬，但圣约翰平静地吻了我。此后每天晚上都这样。